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What are your and your partner's most incompatible traits?

(58 Posts)
Rockettrain Thu 11-Feb-21 16:56:37

Inspired by a 'heated discussion' that I had with DH this morning.

I am a very detail-oriented person and like people to be precise and specific. DH is more laissez-faire and doesn't seem to pay attention to ANY small details. He doesn't read recipes properly. Doesn't read anything properly, really, unless it's for work (apparently). And just generally doesn't put any value on small details being accurate or important. I find the way he communicates very frustrating too, if I say something like 'what time will you be home tonight' he will often respond with something like 'oh I probably won't be back for dinner'. THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED! I asked for a time. You are just assuming that I'm enquiring about dinner, which I might be, but it's still not a time. "Not back for dinner" could be 8pm or 11pm.

It drives me up the wall. Yes, I'm probably too highly strung about it and it's probably annoying for him to have me always asking him to pay attention to things that he doesn't see as important (and they aren't, generally, although he does have form for cocking up with semi-important things like house insurance because he hasn't read the details properly). We are just very different in this respect - it has been like this forever and I imagine it always will be.

Does anyone else frequently feel like filing for divorce have one particular different trait to their partner? And do you feel like it's a problem or do you think that overall it makes you a better team?

OP’s posts: |
bestbitsbetter Thu 11-Feb-21 17:40:46

He's a night owl. I'm now an early bird. When we first met, over 15 years ago, I was 22 and liked staying up late and sleeping in when I could, so it wasn't a big deal.

Over time, I have become used to early starts for work, and now naturally wake before 7am. He, on the other hand, has become almost totally nocturnal, going to bed at around the same time I get up, then sleeping until 6 or 7pm.

To be honest, it's ruined our relationship and I don't know how much longer I can cope with it. Lockdown has just made it more obvious as I'm working from home and have to shield.

BlueTimes Thu 11-Feb-21 17:42:11

I like to allow plenty of time to get somewhere whereas DH thinking arriving with any excess seconds to spare is wasting time.

dreamerdreamer Thu 11-Feb-21 17:45:19

I like to be listened to and have my feelings understood, whereas DH likes to interrupt enthusiastically and talk over me.

OchreBlue Thu 11-Feb-21 17:51:46

Sounds really frustrating OP, you must be left waiting a lot of the time, or sorting out things that have gone wrong due to details being missed. I have to admit I'm more of a big picture thinker and tend to miss details (like when is the last bus home after planning a trip out). Thankfully one of DH good points is he can think on his feet so always gets us out of situations like that.

@bestbitsbetter exactly the same problem, I'm the early bird too. It wasn't a big deal for us before we have kids but now I do every single morning with the kids, he's never made them breakfast, sorted out a wet bed, etc while he just sleeps, in the evenings I still have to do every bedtime too because that's when he has his energy to go out for hobbies or work on projects at home. He wakes up in a terrible mood too, but is lovely by the evening when I'm the grumpy one because I just want to sleep. My dream weekend involves breakfast listening to the dawn chorus a long hike, bath, and dinner in front of a film and early bed, his is sleeping in till noon then out partying all night. It's a real source of resentment, both of us feels the other restricts our freedoms.

bestbitsbetter Thu 11-Feb-21 17:54:38

@OchreBlue, completely feel your pain. I can't have kids, so at least I don't have that added complication!

Do you think you'll continue to compromise?

LittleOverwhelmed Thu 11-Feb-21 18:10:28

Absolutely everything really:
- I am a neat freak and a declutterer, he is a hoarder.
- I like lots of daylight, he would honestly keep the curtains closed all day.
- I like beautiful things, he is purely practical (doesn’t care what anything looks like).
- he spends AGES in the bathroom, I don’t.
- I like nice smelling things (perfume, diffusers), he thinks I am mad.
- I am sociable and love talking, he would rather stay home and lay a video game, by himself.
- I love the home and making it nice. He could live in a bedsit.
- He loves gadgets, I am not bothered as long as what I have actually works.
- I like nice restaurants, he would be be happy with a McDonalds.

Laiste Thu 11-Feb-21 18:15:12

Yeah i too like/need a lot more detail in my life than DH.

Also he is a messy bugger and i'm a bit of a tidy freak.

Love him to bits though.

OchreBlue Thu 11-Feb-21 18:16:37

@bestbitsbetter Probably, some days I think no I've had enough then others it seems to balance out. My older daughter does seem to be turning into a night owl too and he's got the energy to play board games with her or do her homework late in the evening, when I'm too tired to think, so I'm hoping at least the childcare work balances out as they get older. Not sure the day trips vs nights out will ever be resolved, perhaps we'll start taking separate holidays. Do you think you'll carry on much longer together after lockdown? If I ever had another relationship then I think another early bird would be my main criteria.

Afromeg Thu 11-Feb-21 18:17:09

Haha interesting. DH and I are similar to you both (except for the communication bit) but it's more of a compatible difference for us really and one of the many reasons we got together and work well as a team.

He leaves all the organizational/planning/detail-oriented tasks to me, big or small because I love doing them and I leave the more spontaneous bullshit activities to him. He's good at those things and I actually like that I don't have to come up with anything on the spot.

It's the same in other areas and we had a lot of meetings conversations about these things before we got married.

"Each one, stick to what you know and can do" was the unofficial topic of discussion.😃

If I was still married to ExH, I would have had 'better' constantly-on-the-verge-of-divorce stories for you, sorry.grin

UglyHoose Thu 11-Feb-21 18:18:54

I am fairly quiet and he is very chatty.

My timekeeping is terrible whereas he is always very early and starts pacing the floor waiting for me.

I am over emotional, over analyse everything, whereas he is quite cool and detached.

I am really disorganised, don't plan properly, always run out of stuff, he has masses of 'spare' everything.

howthefuck Thu 11-Feb-21 18:23:34

I think people should be invited or make plans to come to our house
He thinks it's nice for people to show up unannounced at any time of day or night

Kim82 Thu 11-Feb-21 18:24:56

He talks all the time. I talk very little. I’ll admit that sometimes I tune him out as I can’t listen to him any more and my ears feel like they are about to explode!

pensivepigeon Thu 11-Feb-21 18:25:07

Same as you op but I think it's what makes us compatible!grin

I am too much of a perfectionist and get analysis paralysis, he will get a job done if needs be albeit imperfectly. I can spot the downfall in some of his more outrageous plans, he gives me the confidence to actually dare to dream!smile

NeverWillIEver Thu 11-Feb-21 18:28:28

He is far more spontaneous than I am and is like a little tigger who never sits still.

I'm a lazy stay at home fucker.

MaMisled Thu 11-Feb-21 18:28:48

DH is infinitely patient and tolerant. I struggle to not swear at people who annoy me and literally cannot wait in a supermarket checkout queue.

Lulu1919 Thu 11-Feb-21 18:29:21

He's a night owl ..I'm not ( 10 pm is late night for me )
I like a drink ..he's T Total
I love sunny beach/ pool holidays ....he doesn't ( we have had a couple bless him )
I love reading .....he never reads anything
But we've been married over 30 years so....😂

MotherOfCrocodiles Thu 11-Feb-21 18:38:25

Different attitude to risk. I love off piste skiing, he gets nervous on the ski lift.

Different attitude to novelty. He tends to choose the plainest thing on the menu whilst I would always choose the most unusual.

It didn't matter so much before dc as we did our own thing a lot more. Now I feel a bit trapped by it.

On the other hand we have broadly similar attitude to family, work, equality, money etc which is more important.

Mydogisagentleman Thu 11-Feb-21 18:45:09

We are extremely different .
I smoke he doesn’t
I like a drink, he doesn’t
He’s a god botherer , I am atheist
He’s a hoarder, I am a Chuck it away away person
He sorts out the money I spend it
Obviously works for us, 30 odd years married

Pippapotomus Thu 11-Feb-21 18:56:24

Our punctuality and ability to arrive anywhere on time.

DH and all of his family are terminally late wherever they go. They miss flights, loose tables at restaurants and were almost late to our wedding. Despite knowing a time to be somewhere months in advance, they'll fanny about then act surprised when they realise they should have left 10 minutes ago. DH has been at the same dental practise since he was a child, and so has the ancient receptionist who mans the front desk. She automatically informs him and his parents of a time 20 minutes prior to their actual appointment times. DH once missed DSs hospital appointment, we were sat in the car waiting to go for 10 minutes, I went in to hurry him along and he was in the shower. I went without him.

I plan any outing obsessively. I check how busy car parks usually are, look for back up parking, check for road works and plan for traffic jam time. If I have an important appointment I'll arrive 20minutes early and find a coffee to wait with nearby.

lifestooshort123 Thu 11-Feb-21 19:17:25

He smokes, I don't.
He's a night owl, I'm a lark.
I'm uber organised with money, he has holes in his pockets.
He's an extrovert and loves chatting, I'm an introvert and hate having strangers in my home.
We've been together over 20yrs - compromise is the key.

Rockettrain Thu 11-Feb-21 19:20:00

@howthefuck I’m like you. The thought of people randomly turning up at my house makes me shudder grin

OP’s posts: |
Bettina500 Thu 11-Feb-21 19:29:11

I'm a night owl, he's a morning person.
I like books and art. He likes neither.
I like to sing and dance (badly) He wouldn't be seen dead singing or dancing.
I'm usually cold, he's usually hot.
He likes being out, I like being at home.
He's confident professionally but shy socially. I'm the other way round.
I'm patient, he's fiery.
I have a silly sense of humour, he's quite serious.

Surprisingly we balance out and actually get on well.

JemimaRacktool Thu 11-Feb-21 19:33:19

Faffing. Faff faff and inter faff faffing. Drives me nuts.

FredaFlintstone Thu 11-Feb-21 19:36:46

* He enjoys a drink, I'm near tee-total.
* He likes sitting in a pub, I like clubs, cocktail bars and dancing.
* He hates reading, I love it.
* He is an absolute foodie - a fantastic cook with a love of posh, expensive restaurants and top notch cuisine. I will happily eat plain pasta and baked beans for dinner and gasp if my steak costs more than twenty quid 😂

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