Unsupportive and patronising partner.

[gingermammy13]

Hi,
Have been with my partner for 10 years and we have 3 kids together (all under 3 - oldest daughter is 2 and twin girls are 1)

Pregnancies were never planned, they just happened, and didn't plan on having any so soon after the first but it just happened. (He wasn't trapped or tricked, he always said he wanted kids and I was just as surprised as he was both times I found out I was pregnant) He was very hands on with first baby but not the twins. I do every feed, bath, play time, everything with them.

I'm out of work to stay at home with the girls because financially doesn't make sense to send them to childcare and we don't have relatives that can look after them. I have savings so I pay half of all the bills in the house but he still seems to think that because he physically goes to work that he's somehow entitled to do nothing at home.

If I have a hard day, he tells me that it's my fault for getting pregnant and if I can't deal with them then I shouldn't have gotten pregnant. All pregnancies were not planned and in arguments he often tells me that he didn't ask for any of the kids anyway. He just expects that because I'm at home with the kids that my job is to cook, clean, and look after them. I never get a break, even 5 minutes to myself, because I don't go out to work and I'm the one who got pregnant so why am I complaining. It annoys me more that he pretends to outsiders that he's such a great dad and so supportive but behind closed doors he's anything but.

I'm just getting so frustrated and I'm honestly questioning whether I want to be with him anymore or if I even like him anymore.

Honestly could do with some advice please x

[OhNoIHaveToExercise]

You didn’t get pregnant by yourself OP, he is horrible to keep saying these things to you.
Does he have any redeeming features? He sounds pretty awful, I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to like him either.

Would he go to couples counselling? It’s the only thing I can think to suggest other than LTB.

[gingermammy13]

He can have days where everything is fine but one thing sets him off and an argument like this happens. Even on a good day I'm always thinking is that how he really feels?

Not a chance of going to counselling because he'll never admit that he's wrong.

[OhioOhioOhio]

My xh was like this. Get out before he's spent all of your savings. He's knowingly treating you like shit.

[Theunamedcat]

Tell him your out of savings and going back to work

[wellthatsunusual]

He sounds awful. Every time that he tells you that you got yourself pregnant, point out that he got you pregnant. Condoms are widely available and there was nothing to stop him from using them.

And stop paying for the household expenses out of your savings too. He has produced three children and he needs to financially support them, or support you going out to work to financially support them. And anyway you'll need those savings if you decide to leave him.

[wellthatsunusual]

My ex BIL was like this and after he tired of blaming my sister for something miraculously getting herself pregnant, he started to say that the kids weren't his, they must be someone else's. Arsehole.

[gingermammy13]

I've told him about going back to work and the responsibility lies with me to pay for and find childcare because I want to go back to work. The only reason I chose to stay at home was because of the cost of childcare, my entire wage would be spent on someone minding three kids. I'd hate to think what would happen if I was out of savings.

[gingermammy13]

He was always the one saying he wanted kids. I was very young when we started dating and if I didn't want kids down the line then it was a deal breaker. Now he has them and he's not happy.

[ChocolateSantaisthebestkind]

He's a twat. However, you are both idiots to 'say pregnancies' just happened -- whoopsy! If you were having sex and neither of you took precautions against becoming pregnant then the possibility was always there and you both accepted that possibility. Sorry to be grumpy OP, but I only managed to have my DC after IVF and I get really cross about people who are lucky enough to fall pregnant relatively easily being blase about it.

[gingermammy13]

I apologise for sounding blase about it and I didn't mean to cause any offense with my words. I understand how incredibly lucky we were to get pregnant and I know how many people would give up anything to have what we have and be able to get pregnant so easily. I didn't mean to imply that we were being irresponsible, we had decided a couple years previously that I would come off contraception and see what happened. By the time I had become pregnant with first baby, we weren't expecting it because it hadn't happened in so long so that's what I mean by "just happened" as in we weren't expecting it. I'm sorry for any offense caused.

[ChocolateSantaisthebestkind]

Don't worry about it Ginger

[Gilead]

I was in a similar situation to you. 18 months between singleton and twins. He was relatively hands on for first but dipped out with twins. I had to do everything. I put up with it for over twenty years. Please don’t waste your life here, it’s so much better the other side, you’re living with a death eater.

[user1174147897]

Don't stay with him long enough for your savings to run out. Get away now.

Women's Aid. Citizens Advice. Your council. Entitledto.com

Otherwise you might well be trapped with this controlling man.

This is not normal.

[gingermammy13]

Gilead, thanks for sharing your experience. I guess my problem is actually making that decision to go. We were together for so long before having kids that sometimes I wish we could be even a fraction of what we were like before but it just seems that since the kids came along, he's changed for the worst.

[OhioOhioOhio]

I has the same op. Despite what people say some 'men' only show their true colours when they have to truly think of others. My xh got slowly selfish and quickly ferocious. Quietly get ready to get rid of him. Don't spend more of your savings. He's horrible allowing you to do that.

[Gilead]

He is missing the attention.

[OhioOhioOhio]

Yeah. But he's not missing anything making sure that financially he's not stepping up.

[gingermammy13]

We've even had discussions about long term if I wasn't to to back to work because the cost of childcare would mean that I'd literally be working to pay someone to mind the kids. It doesn't make sense when I can stay home to look after them. Either way, me going back to work or staying home would mean financially he would have to step up and support us. But there's never any mention of "my wages are enough to support everyone" I mean it's even been suggested that I get a night job so that I'm still here all day to look after the kids.

[wellthatsunusual]

What would he say if you say 'these children are your responsibility as much as mine'. Have you ever said it to him in those words? Not that it should need pointing out obviously. I'd just be interested to know what his answer is, particularly with regards to him having said that it would be a deal-breaker if you didn't agree to have children. I'm sorry to say that it sounds very bad from here, very controlling.

[gingermammy13]

I've said that to him numerous times in those exact words and his response is usually something along the lines of it was up to me to take the pill. Even though we had both agreed previously to come off and see if it happened. Its almost like he was happy with the first baby but when the twins came along it threw a spanner in the works.

[CandyLeBonBon]

Also, childcare costs are shared costs - not just your responsibility- you both earn, and all costs should be shared proportionately according to income. Childcare costs shouldn't just come out if your pay.

[Theunamedcat]

@gingermammy13

We've even had discussions about long term if I wasn't to to back to work because the cost of childcare would mean that I'd literally be working to pay someone to mind the kids. It doesn't make sense when I can stay home to look after them. Either way, me going back to work or staying home would mean financially he would have to step up and support us. But there's never any mention of "my wages are enough to support everyone" I mean it's even been suggested that I get a night job so that I'm still here all day to look after the kids.

Umm no you can't get a night job and look after the kids during the day when will you sleep?

[WhateverJudy]

He’s awful. I can’t add much to what others have said-it’s so messed up that you’re using your savings and all of your time to solely support your kids while he does nothing to support his family, only himself. However, I’m confused you say the kids were unplanned but also that you agreed to come off the pill and see what happens? Doesn’t sound like they were that unplanned? Anyway that’s irrelevant. You are a single parent in all but name so you need to crack on and plan your future on that basis without this utter waste of space in your life.

[gingermammy13]

Absolutely my point. Doesn't seem that's crossed his mind just that there's someone to watch the kids during the day and a wage coming in my end but not affecting his life in any way.

[gingermammy13]

I'm sorry, its confusing the way I've worded it. I didn't mean they were unplanned, I meant unexpected. I had come off the pill a couple of years previously and nothing had happened so it was unexpected when we found out that I was pregnant. We were kind of expecting that it wasn't going to happen.

I just don't know what the next step is - I don't drive and we live where his family is from. The mortgage is in both of our names and with lockdown restrictions, I can't even find anywhere close by for us to move to. Sometimes I think is it better to just keep quiet and deal with it to avoid the complete mess of breaking away from it.