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Adoption process references exs concerns

(13 Posts)
Kittycat72 Tue 19-Jan-21 09:15:49

Hi all. I really hope you can advise and help me. We have been looking into adoption for a while now, we dont have any children, together or from previous relationships. We have looked into the adoption process last year, spoken to a few adoption agencies. But we have had to put the process on hold as I had major surgery. So, I was watching Trying (series) and one episode entailed that they had to track down their ex partners (if they had a relationship over 12 mths and longer), to get a reference from them. Now, I'm 44 and my partner is 46, we have been together 7 years and we both have a past. But neither of us have ANY contact with any of our exs and I personally definitely dont want my ex being part of my future. We have both experienced some form of abuse and bad experiences with past relationships. One of mine ended when I was 23 and the other when I was early 30s. I understand that adoption agencies need a picture of who you are. But is part of the process actually involving contacting exs? Is this the same for fostering ? We are so desperate to give a child or children stability, it saddens and makes me feel very upset that exs are going to be involved in that decision and to be honest I dont want them to know anything about me and my life. Please can you let me know if this is true. Thank you for listening.

OP’s posts: |
Didkdt Tue 19-Jan-21 09:16:57

There’s an adoption section on the boards under becoming a parent you may get more help there

Kittycat72 Tue 19-Jan-21 09:20:11

Thank you smile

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TeenPlusTwenties Tue 19-Jan-21 10:05:30

Agree you need to go onto the Adoption board.

SS are well used to embittered exes.

However they need to contact them in case of issues with how step children were treated or whatever in the past. There was a case once where an ex wasn't contacted but had very important info...

Kittycat72 Tue 19-Jan-21 10:15:55

Thank you . What if we have never had children with anyone? Do they still need to be contacted?

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TeenPlusTwenties Tue 19-Jan-21 10:17:37

We did this 15 years ago, but then the rule was anyone you had lived with had to be contacted iirc.
People on the Adoption board will be able to give you more up to date info and reassurance. You aren't the only adopter out there with exes who you don't want contact with.

HellonHeels Tue 19-Jan-21 10:20:06

What happens if you have no idea where they are?

Or if they refuse to respond?

piapiapiano Tue 19-Jan-21 11:25:29

I was worried about this going through the fostering process as my ex husband was and is very bitter. I knew he would paint me in the worst possible light. But it had to be done, and we passed panel. As someone else said Ss are used to bitter ex partners. And it is good for them to see how you coped with and continue to deal with difficulties in the past and present. Just be honest and upfront, if there are safe guarding concerns advise them of this. Good luck, I hope it goes well for you.

TeenPlusTwenties Tue 19-Jan-21 11:29:38


What happens if you have no idea where they are?

Or if they refuse to respond?

It can massively hold things up.

maxelly Tue 19-Jan-21 11:35:27

Agree to get MN to move this to adoption. But in general SS are used to vindictive exs and will take anything they say with a pinch of salt. They should be reasonable regarding exs from years ago where you've lost contact, obviously they don't want people being able to bury dodgy pasts behind 'oh I don't have his/her number anymore' but if they aren't detectives, if the person can't be contacted via email/social media or doesn't respond then they don't go all CSI on it.

And for those wondering why this is, there was a horrendous case a few years back where an abusive man was allowed to adopt. No-one had bothered to ask his ex-girlfriend who could have told SS that he had a terrible violent temper. He ended up abusing the DC he adopted with very sad consequences. You have to remember that the adoption system is primarily about finding safe homes for children that need them, not children for people that want them, so if on the odd occasion someone who would have actually been safe to adopt gets rejected on the basis of a mistaken or malicious 'reference', that is very sad indeed, but better that than that a DC gets placed in an unsafe home, so they are rightly very cautious... so yes I would expect them to go into your full relationship history, practice varies slightly on who they expect to contact, I think usually it's significant partners only (ie not teenage boyfriends or casual hook up or whatever), but usually they do contact exs when where no children involved as it's about any history of violence/abuse etc in general...

Kittycat72 Tue 19-Jan-21 11:48:11

Thank you all for your responses and kind words. I totally understand about safeguarding children- I've seen it before in my profession, so I really appreciate and understand how relevant it is to find out everything. I guess for me its definitely to do with the bitterness from ex partners and the fact they can impact on your future happiness. But as you've all said , Ss will understand this and are looking more towards characteristics within relationships. Thank you all x

OP’s posts: |
Didkdt Tue 19-Jan-21 12:11:13

I think Maxelly has summed it up really well, what I’d add is that they would also want to resolve any issues around the abuse and bad experiences that you’ve each had in a relationship before placing a child with you, how you’ve handled it and your resilience levels to cope with a child who has been abused.

Kittycat72 Tue 19-Jan-21 14:35:52

Thank you so much everyone xx

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