Should I feel bad over this?

(55 Posts)
username9768 Wed 13-Jan-21 12:47:15

I have never met my next door neighbour she is in her nineties has dementia and never leaves her house/answers the door. She has carers who come twice a day from what we have seen. (All relevant). For at least a year now she regularly has her tv on extremely loud until very late 2/3am or sometimes all night. I assume she falls asleep with it on. It is that loud we can clearly hear what she is watching and word for word what they are saying.

We have two young children who already keep us up at night. I am a light sleeper and find it very hard to get to sleep with it. I often put white noise on my phone to try help blur it out. The other night though it was so loud even with the white noise next to my head I could hear it. That morning I waited for the carers to arrive and went round. They didn't answer so I ended up writing a note. I wasn't rude in the letter just explained the situation.

Anyway later on the carer and neighbours daughter came around. They weren't rude and apologised. They said the only solution they can think is when the second carer visits around 5pm is to switch the tv off and hide the remote control. I thought great that should solve it. However they then added how the tv is the neighbours only company and so she will be lonely. I now feel really bad. She is alone all day in her house and after 5pm can't even have tv for company.

I did suggest she watches tv downstairs. Only to find out that the tv is downstairs already so it must be that loud we can clearly hear it upstairs.

Am I right to feel bad? I just can't think of any other solution.

OP’s posts: |
Molly357 Wed 13-Jan-21 12:49:02

Can they turn it down and then hide the control?

Tiktokersmiracle Wed 13-Jan-21 12:50:57

Alexa plug.
If they get one of those and an Alexa, they can link it to an app on their phone and turn it off at an appropriate time. They can even turn the TV down I think
We have Alexa and the app, when DD turns up louder than she should I can turn it down on my app
Win win for all

LagneyandCasey Wed 13-Jan-21 12:51:01

Ah that's sad for your neighbour, but obviously not ideal for you. The 5pm carer could set the volume at a lower level?

Fatherbrownsbicycle Wed 13-Jan-21 12:54:59

There might be a volume control lock on the tv. We can set our to a maximum & it’s not a brand new tv or anything. Awful to deprive a dementia suffer of her TV, she will become very distressed.

Bluntness100 Wed 13-Jan-21 12:55:18

I don’t think you can decide to feel bad. You either do or you don’t. Clearly once they told you you didn’t say anything to stop it happening.

So now this old lady will have nothing in the evening, just sitting there.alone, without even the tv for company.

It would have to be shockingly bad before I could force that on her.

OverTheRainbow88 Wed 13-Jan-21 12:57:08

TV Headphones for neighbour?

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Figmentofimagination Wed 13-Jan-21 12:59:35

Add a timer plug/smart plug? So either tv gets turned off at a certain time or family can control through an app

sofiaaaaaa Wed 13-Jan-21 13:01:04

Can’t they set the TV itself on a timer? I’m sure TVs can switch themselves off after a period of inactivity. I don’t personally use TVs as I stream on my phone or Mac, but the TV I had over 10 years ago could do that.

They’re being bitchy by presenting you with this option, it’s not the only option. They’re just guilt tripping you into accepting it, by playing the lonely elderly person card and expecting you to say “don’t be silly, of course you can’t do that” whilst profusely apologising yourself.

This is a problem and they need to sort it out.

user1493413286 Wed 13-Jan-21 13:03:05

I’m sure they could get a timer for the plug like people do for lamps to automatically turn on and tumble dryers.
Other option is blue tooth headphones although if she can’t turn the tv down or off then she may struggle with that.

Weirdfan Wed 13-Jan-21 13:03:20

Ask carers to turn volume down and put subtitles on at 5pm, then hide the remote? Then she still has 'company' but you're not disturbed. Seems a better compromise to me than turning tv off. I sympathise as our elderly neighbours sleep pattern has obviously gone to pot through lockdown and his tv is now booming through the walls til the early hours instead of just daytime.

Ideasplease322 Wed 13-Jan-21 13:03:28

Everyone stole my solution of a smart plug.

What sort of monster hides the poor ladies remote control at 5pm. Horrible suggestion.

Twistiesandshout Wed 13-Jan-21 13:04:43

oh well she clearly has it at that volume so she can hear it. Poor lady, I feel awful for her but totally empathise with you. I second the Alexa app idea, brilliant! I think hiding the remote will cause her too much distress and is an awful idea, also turning the volume down would likely stress her out also. I can just picture her searching for a solution and finding it all very stressful on her own

Lullaby88 Wed 13-Jan-21 13:07:53

Seems like she uses the T.V. for company so when shes upstairs she feels theres some noise even though she isnt watching it.
I actually really feel bad for u having to deal with this but also really bad for the elderly lady so sad really. Can her family buy her another T.V. for upstairs and maybe she needs some hearing aids so the volume isnt that loud. I really dont know if those would work out if that is the actual situation.

EggBobbin Wed 13-Jan-21 13:07:54

It’s probably on a timer anyway which is why it regularly goes off at 2/3am- they just need to go into the menu settings and pull the timer setting down a bit

Mylittlepony374 Wed 13-Jan-21 13:13:57

Put TV on a timer? Alexa so can be controlled remotely? There has to be another solution, you cant leave the poor lady without her TV for company from 5pm.

Danni91 Wed 13-Jan-21 13:14:16

I agree to volume down, but i would suspect shes probably fairly deaf if that's loud she may get confused.

Another solution could be to move the tele to a different area.

I think whilst it affects your life it also will affect hers and with dementia she probably won't understand why she cant the tele and would get frustrated and sad that she doesn't know how to turn it up either.

Headphones are unlikely to work.

Ask them to turn it down just a bit for a week or so & if its still too loud revisit the idea in a while.

That's quite a tricky situation but i agree with a previous poster that you don't get to decide if you should or shouldn't feel bad, you either do or you don't.

Understandably its hard on you, but hopefully there is a happy medium.

CommunistLegoBloc Wed 13-Jan-21 13:24:34

Doesn't Alexa need WiFi? Does she even have internet?

Ask them to put it on a reasonable volume and to auto turn off at the time she likely falls asleep.

WitchesNest Wed 13-Jan-21 13:28:19

Yes you should feel bad.

TonkinLenkicks Wed 13-Jan-21 13:30:03

The issue sounds like she can't hear it. Would hearing aids help?

thosetalesofunexpected Wed 13-Jan-21 13:33:06

@Bluntness100
Talk about stating the obvious.!

That's why Op has turned to mumsnet for bit of advice to help poor elderly neighbour who has dementia..obviously Op is it at wits end with noise rocking of rader scale.

RB68 Wed 13-Jan-21 13:33:18

when you have dementia all sorts of weird things go on in your brain - you might forget hoe to turn the tv off or down etc so the smart plug sounds like the solution here. Surely she should have a bed time visit as well if she is that bad, they could then settle for the night and turn tv off etc

Mackerelpizza Wed 13-Jan-21 13:33:33

I thought great that should solve it.

I'm quite shocked that was your thought process. I think it's horrible.

TobyCarvery Wed 13-Jan-21 13:56:47

I don't think it's fair to have her tv switched off at 5pm m, that's very early, but I don't think you are horrible to find this an issue. Really the fact this poor lady is lonely isn't your fault and shouldn't impact your quality of life and your families happiness in your own home. Her loneliness is their issue to solve not yours to have the burden of and it was totally unfair of them to put that onto a neighbour. Maybe they feel guilty.
She probably dozes in her chair during the evening/night so it keeps her company when she wakes at all hours. Her family need to be looking at other solutions like setting a timer on the tv. If it's a modern one they sometimes have timers for volume control too. Also having worked in care myself, and having elderly parents now, she can have late calls up until 10pm, when the carer could turn the volume down then.

NewYearNewLockdown Wed 13-Jan-21 14:03:11

Oh I couldn't bear the thought of her spending all evening looking for her remote to turn on the tv 😭

As others have said, get them to turn the volume down and the subtitles on at 5pm, at least she might be more inclined to sit and watch it rather than hunt for the remote all night.

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