Not sure i can do this

(23 Posts)
TheoriginalLEM Mon 11-Jan-21 08:08:19

I don't want to carry on.

My mum died before Christmas (not Covid) and the next day i developed covid, was really sick (and petrified) for two weeks and have struggled to return to work. Both my DP and DD had covid and its like weve lost that time.

Im trying to organise mums funeral, clear her house ( its council) and im struggling. I work 10 hour days with half an hour break so when do i get time for phone calls to sort things. Im doing my best but its just me and DP and we are struggling. Ive not sorted flowers and not even confirmed order of service with the vicar.

Im letting my mum down and i feel like im drowning. Im owed Toil but my work are being awkward which is partly not their fault due to staff shortages. I spent the whole weekend at mums, there's so much stuff and i cant even get rid of it because everything is shut. Its ripping my heart out having to get rid of her things, its mistly junk but it meant something to her.

My dad came to get me the night before last but i told him i couldn't go with him. I wanted to go with him but i was too scared

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FippertyGibbett Mon 11-Jan-21 08:11:23

Are you your Motner’s only child and next of kin, I’m assuming your mum and dad are divorced ?

TheoriginalLEM Mon 11-Jan-21 08:13:25

Yes its just me, my dad is dead too

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floppybit Mon 11-Jan-21 08:17:10

You say your dad came to get you in the night, but he's dead. Do you mean to be dead with him? Can you contact the council for help with clearing the house? I'm sorry you're having such an awful time

FippertyGibbett Mon 11-Jan-21 08:21:17

Sorry, you said in your first post that your ‘dad came to get me the night before last’.
So you need to reduce what you’re doing as you’ve got a lot on.
I always think flowers for a funeral (particularly for a cremation) are a bit of a waste of time, so just order something small. You can let the florist choose if you give her an amount to work to. Tell them what colour and a price, and leave them to it.
And just ask the vicar to sort the order of service. Choose one hymn and leave it at that.
And can you get a skip ?
You need to be brutal with the throwing out, if you don’t want/have room for it, it goes. I assume the council will clear the place if you don’t ?

I know it’s hard for you now, but you’ve got to get this over and then you can take time to grieve 💐

TheoriginalLEM Mon 11-Jan-21 08:21:54

Yes he died 15 years ago. But i cant explain it, he was in my room and i felt that i might die too, but i couldn't because of my dd's. Im not meaning literally as thats insane but it felt so real - probably because i wanted it to be. I realise how unhinged this sounds

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Jellycatspyjamas Mon 11-Jan-21 08:26:07

It’s not unhinged, it’s grief. In all honesty you can’t possibly work the way you are, make practical arrangements and grieve your mum. Does your work have a compassionate leave policy? If not I’d sign myself off sick. Give your self space to grieve properly, it’ll save you all kinds of difficulties down the line.

I’m so sorry for your loss.


Sheleg Mon 11-Jan-21 08:27:20

You're going to be fine, OP. This is a horribly difficult time for you, but you will get through it.

LynetteScavo Mon 11-Jan-21 08:28:26

You need to take time off work. What you are trying to do is physically impossible for anyone.

Lemonpiano Mon 11-Jan-21 08:29:37

I'm so sorry. It's not unhinged, grief can do things like that.

You're not letting anyone down.

Happycow Mon 11-Jan-21 08:39:59

I agree with taking time off work OP. I don't want to minimise the impact on businesses of having people off work at the moment, but to be honest, you taking a week (or however long) off isn't going to make or break them... it will you, though.

you need time to grieve, and also organise this last thing for your mum in the way you want to.

TheoriginalLEM Mon 11-Jan-21 08:55:56

Ive had my compassionate leave when mum died but i had covid and it put everything on hold, i was too sick to get out of bed and i stuck my head in the sand. Ive used all my sick pay from isolating for 14 days in March . Ive got two days owing to me and one day for the funeral but i booked that for my day off.

I just feel like everything is falling apart .

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TheoriginalLEM Mon 11-Jan-21 08:58:00

How can i clear her house? Its just me and dp

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lightand Mon 11-Jan-21 09:01:56

Clearing a house requires man/womanpower, especially if having to be done in a hurry.

Couchbettato Mon 11-Jan-21 09:09:39

Get yourself a cheap storage unit, around here it's £17/ week for 12 weeks and then £34/week after. No contract term. 100 square foot. Hire a man with a van, explain your situation. When I needed help moving out they moved all my furniture for me. Just move cupboard stuff and small things bit by bit on an evening.

You need help getting stuff out, and you can't do it unassisted.

Buy a couple of polythene boxes per room, dump them in it and fill them as you go, and let the movers do the rest.

Icanseegreenshoots Mon 11-Jan-21 09:26:13

Call your GP and get signed off for stress for a few weeks. Under the circumstances you need to do this.

In those two weeks organise a beautiful funeral for your mother, take some out to process what has happened and take out everything of value and get the house clearance team to come and clean out the house. That is what we did.

I am so sorry this has happened at such a time, but right now you need to take time out. Your company can cope without you for a few weeks op. flowers

Icanseegreenshoots Mon 11-Jan-21 09:27:33

Icanseegreenshoots Mon 11-Jan-21 09:27:51

Or something similar where you live.

Aloamilk Mon 11-Jan-21 09:36:53

Thinking of you, this sounds so hard, I've seen you on here for many years, sending big strength and hugs xxx totally agree with hire van and man, chuck all stuff into storage until you can deal with it. Friend of mine in exactly same situation as you did just that and then slowly sorting through it . You can do this xx

Moooooooooooooooooo Mon 11-Jan-21 09:50:19

Go into your mother’s house, go through want you want to keep (jewellery, items of sentiment, paperwork etc) then hire a house clearing company. It takes all the pressure off you.

Fiftyandmore Mon 11-Jan-21 12:31:08

I'm so sorry for your loss @TheoriginalLEM. It's a really unsettling feeling when your last remaining parent dies.

I think you have to realise the huge strain you're under, and don't underestimate the after effects of Covid. You will inevitably be feeling below par, and that could last a while. If eating sensibly is too much of an effort for now, stock up on vitamins and supplements and stick to easy meals like soups, beans on toast, scrambled eggs etc. Ask for help anywhere - and accept it.

If you find it too traumatic to empty your mum's house could you get in a house clearance company? Take the things which you absolutely cannot bear to part with, and let the clearance people sort the rest. Or, as someone else has suggested, what about temporary storage. Look on the Nextdoor website for local people advertising vans for hire or handymen or offering clearance services. If you can't find anything suitable, out a post up yourself asking for advice/recommendations.

Are you using an undertaker to sort your mum's funeral? When my dh died I was in no fit state to make any decisions but the funeral administrator was wonderful and took so much off my shoulders. Be guided by them - they will have loads of experience.

Most importantly - take care and hang on in there. Thinking of you.

TheoriginalLEM Mon 11-Jan-21 14:35:28

So i am taking the rest of the week off as i have time owing to me. I know this has caused strain at work but they are being really good. I can now make a plan.

Thankfully we have a van so can take much of the stuff, the big stuff is a problem but ill see what my local Facebook brings up.

A mixture if relief and shit, now i have to deal with ithis. Ahh well onwards abd upwards.

Christ on a bike i miss my mum sad

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Icanseegreenshoots Tue 12-Jan-21 14:53:13

I am sorry op - so difficult for you flowers and I hope you are finding ways to celebrate her life even in the lockdown. There will be time in the year for a memorial perhaps?

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