Does he want to marry me or should I just forget about it?

(15 Posts)
Unisaur Sun 10-Jan-21 13:00:14

TL:DR together 8years, engaged for 2.5, no discussion re getting married, told him a few weeks ago I wanted to start planning but still no discussion, whats should I do?

I have been with dp 8 years, lived together for 6 and we have 2 kids together and also both have kids from a previous relationship. At the start of our relationship I made it clear I wasnt bothered about getting married, had never dreamed of a big wedding and actually the thought of wearing a big dress and having loads of people looking at me terrified me, however he was always keen to get married so eventually I came round to the idea and agreed maybe one day it would be nice.

A few weeks after the birth of our first DC, 2.5 years ago, he proposed and I said yes. At the time I was on mat leave so we agreed we would wait till I was back and we could work out finances once we knew how childcare would impact everything. I wasnt back long when I fell pregnant again so getting married was never really discussed again.

Second child is now 6 months old, however I'm still on mat leave and he has lost his job partly due to covid and partly due to relocation of the company, so not in a great place financially but also not struggling.

A few weeks ago we were talking about how things are finally settling down it's not quite a blur of bottles and nappies and stress from not knowing what was happening with his job so we were discussing how we now have more time to spend with the older kids once the younger ones are settled at night as they aren't at school so no need for such a strict bedtime and also being able to make time for us.

During this conversation I brought up getting married and said while we are making time for things we should probably make time to discuss getting married. He agreed and said how that was obviously his intention when he proposed but life just got in the way and that had been pushed down the list of priorities. I agreed that there had been other more important things but we have been engaged for 2.5 years and I don't want to be one of these couples that spend forever engaged and never actually get married, I would have been happy never getting engaged but we did so I do wamt to be married, we will never be able to afford ( and I don't want ) a big wedding so really the covid restrictions could work in our favour as we would be limited to small numbers and possibly no reception which I would be happy with so why not start planning now when there will be no expectation of us inviting family we never see. He agreed that made sense but that was basically the end of the conversation.

We had the conversation during the day and the kids were all up and I didn't expect us to sit down and plan the wedding there and then but we have had time in the evenings where we could have discussed it and he hasn't brought it up and I just feel like I cant really again as iv already made my feelings clear about what I expect so feel if he really wanted to get married he would start the discussion on planning it.
Should I bring it up again, wait for him to bring it up or just make my peace with the fact that despite proposing he doesn't actually want to get married and just go back to being content with never marrying him?

I know mn is big on getting married for the protection but we rent, both names on lease, when working both earn roughly the same, we have a small amount of savings ( so can afford a registry office or small wedding and still be able to get through my mat leave/his unemployment without being too financially stretched ) but have no assets or anything so really getting married doesn't matter too much from that point of view as there would be nothing to split in the event of ending the relationship. We are happy together and I dont think getting married will change anything really though I would like to have the same name as him and the younger kids but I dont think getting married makes us anymore likely to stay together than if we didn't marry so again not really sure why getting married now bothers me so much, I just feel like either we make serious plans to get married or we shouldn't be engaged.

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MissConductUS Sun 10-Jan-21 13:07:01

Men sometimes have a fear of loss of independence and freedom that comes with marriage. Since you have DC together he already has legal obligations as a father. I think with DC you are better off married.

If it's important to you, tell him you're picking a date and working on plans and a guest list and see how he reacts.

partyatthepalace Sun 10-Jan-21 13:22:24

I think some men just aren't bothered c getting married or fear the growing up thing as PP said.

There are no signs he isn't committed to you from what you say.

But, you do want to get married and it is sensible so what I would do is start planning, and hand it to him in limited choices - would you like to do it in July or June? - shall we just have these 10 people, or if we upped it to have 20 we could have these? Shall we honeymoon this year, or just have a night away and do it next? Etc etc - giving him small choices will keep him moving forward. I know that is how you deal with toddlers but it should work! And he is an adult with autonomy, so if he really doesn't want to, he can say so once he sees things are moving - but honestly it sounds like he just needs you to take the lead, and present it in small chunks so he doesn't panic or dig heals in.

Unisaur Sun 10-Jan-21 14:42:46

Thank you both for your reply. I'm not sure how important it actually is to me, as I said I never really wanted to get married, he was the one that said it was important to him and I eventually came round to the idea. If we hadn't gotten engaged I dont think I would be pushing to get engaged but now we are I feel like we need to either get married or just call off the engagement and go back to just being a couple that live together.

I also agree there is nothing to suggest he isnt committed to me and I dont feel getting married would change that in anyway I think I'm kind of just a bit annoyed that he wanted marriage and I didn't really but now we are engaged because he chose to do that, I hadn't dropped any hints or said I wanted it other than early on agreeing it would maybe be nice one day, now everyone knows we are engaged and I think expected a wedding reasonably soon after the engagement but instead there is nothing, no plans no talk of it.

I think maybe I posted here because I was a bit worried that he had decided he didn't want to marry me as he hasn't brought it up again but actually your responses has made me realise he is just a bit rubbish at planning things in general so maybe you are both right and I should just decide if it is important to me and then give him choices as that is kind if what I need to do with most things. I just thought since it was more his idea to marry he would maybe take more of a lead in planning it.

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Mintjulia Sun 10-Jan-21 14:52:32

I'd suggest a date and a registry office. Work out exactly what it will cost. Ask him who he wants as best man. Tell him who your maid of honour will be.

Maybe he just needs organising.

lifestooshort123 Sun 10-Jan-21 14:52:34

I don't think you can break an engagement without the world and his wife thinking you've split up. If neither of you are bothered then don't get married but if you think you are (and having the same family surname is a good feeling) then say to him that you think a small wedding's a good idea and as soon as it's ok to book something you'd like to. Look him in the eye with a smile and say you’ll organise it. Then leave it until bojo says weddings are back on.

Unisaur Sun 10-Jan-21 15:05:23

He definitely does need organising I dont know why I'm so surprised or bothered that he hasn't took the lead with getting married, to be honest I'm surprised he actually took the lead on getting an engagement ring and proposing.

I think the next evening we have to ourselves I will just ask him if he is happy with a registry office and who he would like to invite from his side and tell home I'll plan the rest and let him know basically. If at that point he decides he doesn't want to get married then that's fine, there wont be any official breaking the engagement , it's been so long no one really talks about it now anyway so hopefully it will just be kind of forgotten about but at least then I will know it's not happening and I can stop thinking about if it's going to happen and what we can afford.

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lifestooshort123 Mon 11-Jan-21 12:15:16

That sounds a plan and one that's been decided on calmly. It sounds as though you're both sensible and caring so having a ring won't affect your relationship 💐

BornIn78 Mon 11-Jan-21 12:23:16

It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t want to marry you.

You’ve given the impression in the past that you’re lukewarm about it at best, but now you’re on mat leave, he’s lost his job and we are in the middle of a pandemic and suddenly it’s really important to you to do it soon - why?

Unisaur Mon 11-Jan-21 13:47:43

I was lukewarm about it in the beginning of our relationship however once we got engaged we agreed that when I was back at work we would start putting money away and make some plans so by that point I wasnt lukewarm about it anymore and it was something we both decides we wanted to do reasonably soon. When I returned to work we did start putting money away but didn't really discuss anything though I started doing some research on my own but then I fell pregnant again so there wasnt much point discussing plans until we knew how another baby would impact on things, while pregnant I got a promotion so we managed to save more money than I initially thought.

The main reason for wanting to do it soon is because I've lost someone very close to me recently and have 2 other close family members that dont keep well so it's made me realise that if I leave it much longer there is a good chance one of them also won't be here to see me get married. The other reason is by this summer we will have been engaged for 3 years, if we wait till next year it will be 4. I'm never going to want a big wedding anyway and I know being on mat leave, one income down and in the middle of a pandemic seems a silly time to do it in some ways but we can afford a small wedding without causing any issues financially and the restrictions gives us a valid reason to only have close family at the wedding without upsetting anyone.

I suppose I've also realised that I do really want to marry him, I want to have the same name as the younger kids and I dont want to lose anymore of my family before we get round to getting married. It maybe isnt the best time to get married when we are in the middle of a pandemic but there will always be some reason why we shouldn't. I hate spending money on things for me and the fact there is money sitting there that we could use to get married makes me want to do it now before I decide that after the rubbish year the kids (and everyone) have had I could spend it on stuff for them that they really dont need but I also know our older kids are really looking forward to us getting married so really it would give them something to look forward to as well.

OP’s posts: |
gannett Mon 11-Jan-21 13:54:45

So he proposed to you, then life got in the way for perfectly understandable reasons for a couple of years, then you brought it up and the conversation was a positive one where you were both on the same page a few weeks ago...

... and because he hasn't brought it up since you've jumped to the conclusion he doesn't want it?

What's stopping you from getting on with the second conversation and more concrete planning? You're on the same page as him!

If you hadn't noticed, the last few weeks have been quite stressful for the entire country and he may have had other things on his mind.

Unisaur Mon 11-Jan-21 14:11:37

I know it probably was a bit silly to think like that, it was just a momentary panic where i thought why hasn't he brought it up again. The conversation a few weeks ago was kind of left as "next time we actually manage to stay up past the kids bedtime and have some time together we should discuss it". We have since had a few evenings where we could have and I was just thinking he knows I want to discuss it so why hasn't he brought it up if he really wanted it but like I say that was just a silly momentary panic, the responses on here has made me realise that actually that's not really the type of person he is and just because he hasn't brought it up doesnt mean he doesnt want it, he just isnt great at being proactive.

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peak2021 Mon 11-Jan-21 14:21:53

I think the suggestion of a date and a registry office wedding is a good one. Some people are just not organisers.

TheYellowOfTheEgg Mon 11-Jan-21 15:43:57

You don't need a Best Man and a Maid of Honour at a Registry Office wedding. You just need two witnesses. The actual ceremony is very quick. I think it costs about £100-150 and you have to give a few week's notice.

Just agree a date with him and book it. Without a party or meal afterwards there isn't much planning needed.

Whatwouldnanado Mon 11-Jan-21 16:43:07

Sounds like a wedding to celebrate all you are together and what's yet to be would be a great thing to look forward to when life returns to something more normal. Find out what he would like to do - plan a honeymoon, read up on venues etc and split the tasks. I would be concerned if he didn't take interest.

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