Dp keeps saying this and it's making me angry.

(139 Posts)
xatcat Sun 10-Jan-21 07:29:57

He keeps saying that I had a baby with him ( our first ) just to trap him.

He always says it jokingly but it really annoys me.

For context I was 19 when I accidentally fell pregnant. Me and dp had only been seeing each other for 10 months.

This was 11 years ago and he often brings it up.

What really annoys me is that he was a few years older than me so I feel he's blaming it all on me when he knew exactly what could happen.

I was also taking contraceptives, which he also thinks I stopped taking to fall pregnant.

How annoyed would this comment make you?

OP’s posts: |
Ohalrightthen Sun 10-Jan-21 07:33:49

Does he respect you generally?

Aspiringmatriarch Sun 10-Jan-21 07:34:13

Very annoyed tbh, it's so disrespectful and it doesn't really sound like a 'joke' if he knows it upsets you and still frequently brings it up.

Dozer Sun 10-Jan-21 07:35:13

It’d be a deal breaker for me.

ShinyGreenElephant Sun 10-Jan-21 07:36:47

My husband says this too and it gets on my nerves. Makes zero sense as he already had a daughter from a brief fling and a son from a ONS whose mums certainly never succeeded in 'trapping' him (DSSs mum didn't even tell us he existed!) When I got pregnant with DD it was about 6 weeks before our wedding which we had been planning for over a year. Hes also said it about the baby I'm currently pregnant with. Ridiculous and yes it does annoy me but if I tell him off he just laughs and says its obviously a joke. So irritating!

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte Sun 10-Jan-21 07:36:48

What an arse, tell him he is free to leave anytime.

Oxters Sun 10-Jan-21 07:38:37

I'd be really annoyed. Once is a joke (although not a very funny one), more than once then there is some truth to it (in his opinion).

Advertisement

TheListeners Sun 10-Jan-21 07:39:41

It's hard to know if he thinks he's being funny or disguising what he really thinks as a joke.

My DH got into the habit of saying a silly comment about me that annoyed me. He thought it was a minor irritation (banter) until I absolutely was crystal clear it wasn't. He hasn't said it since then. Could you have a conversation like this with your DP?

xatcat Sun 10-Jan-21 07:40:44

It did get to the point where I told him he's free to leave. His reply ' I'm not someone who will just walk out on my family.'

He loves his children more than anything, and they know he does.

It's just such an annoying and stupid thing to keep saying.

OP’s posts: |
Soutiner Sun 10-Jan-21 07:41:00

Just reply with mock horror, “Why the hell would I want to trap YOU?” then cackle with laughter.

If he gets hurt or offended tell him it’s just a joke just like his one.

Chel098 Sun 10-Jan-21 07:43:41

Sit him down and speak to him OP. Don’t wait for him to say it again.

You have both stayed together all this time. Tell him it could happen again and you think you should no longer have sex anymore grin

VettiyaIruken Sun 10-Jan-21 07:45:52

he's been saying it for 11 years. That honestly doesn't seem like it's a joke. It sounds like that's what he believes and it comes across like he resents you and always has.

Notice that when told he's free to leave if he feels like that he didn't say I love you, or anything like that. He said he's not someone who walks out on his family. That to me says duty more than it says love.

I'm not saying he doesn't love you or the children, it just seems like there's part of him that feels resentful.

Bluntness100 Sun 10-Jan-21 07:47:03

I think I’d also start responding sith “why the hell would anyone want to trap you” and laugh. Or “aye, because you’re such a prize” and roll your eyes.

moomin11 Sun 10-Jan-21 07:47:30

YANBU what a horrible thing to say. He may be saying it jokingly but it's clearly what he thinks. I hope your 11 year old isn't around when he says it.

NoWordForFluffy Sun 10-Jan-21 07:48:23

Soutiner

Just reply with mock horror, “Why the hell would I want to trap YOU?” then cackle with laughter.

If he gets hurt or offended tell him it’s just a joke just like his one.

I love this one! Do it, OP.

xatcat Sun 10-Jan-21 07:53:58

@VettiyaIruken that's exactly the impression I get. He resents me for 'trapping' him when he was free before.

He makes out all the stress and problems that come with raising children is all my fault as I ' got myself pregnant' ( his own words )

OP’s posts: |
MissyB1 Sun 10-Jan-21 07:54:05

I’m sorry but for him to be saying this for 11 years he’s not joking. He means this. It would make see the whole relationship in a very negative light I’m afraid. If he can’t listen to how it makes you feel then he doesn’t love you. It’s time to lay your cards on the table about this nonsense.

NoWordForFluffy Sun 10-Jan-21 07:56:29

You got yourself pregnant?! Dear god. So you're the Virgin Mary now?

Just actually tell him to leave, don't give him the option. What an arsehole.

Monkeypeas Sun 10-Jan-21 07:56:39

It would have me raging and I would have blown up at it the 1st and 2nd time he said it.

You were on contraception so you did your part in trying to prevent a pregnancy so why wasn’t he wearing a condom?

I wouldn’t wait for him to joke about it again, I’d speak to him today and say that you never want to hear that ‘joke’ Again and FYI if anyone was trying to trap someone it was him because he wasn’t wearing a condom.

missmouse101 Sun 10-Jan-21 07:58:36

If he wasn't mature enough to accept that having sex can produce babies, then he wasn't mature enough to be doing it, No contraceptive is 100% safe. Did he offer to wear condoms at the time?

Monkeypeas Sun 10-Jan-21 07:59:09

ShinyGreenElephant

My husband says this too and it gets on my nerves. Makes zero sense as he already had a daughter from a brief fling and a son from a ONS whose mums certainly never succeeded in 'trapping' him (DSSs mum didn't even tell us he existed!) When I got pregnant with DD it was about 6 weeks before our wedding which we had been planning for over a year. Hes also said it about the baby I'm currently pregnant with. Ridiculous and yes it does annoy me but if I tell him off he just laughs and says its obviously a joke. So irritating!

I’d tell him I’m divorcing him because he’s an arsehole who should have learnt after the brief fling that if he didn’t want unexpected children then he needs to wear a condom because otherwise he was actually planning to conceive.

If he reacts negatively then just tell him you’re joining but won’t be if he ‘jokes’ again

User0ne Sun 10-Jan-21 08:01:08

You could point out that while he may be "trapped" by it you aren't and if he continues to talk to you in such a rude way you'll be seriously considering making an exit. What a dick.

Monkeypeas Sun 10-Jan-21 08:02:04

xatcat

*@VettiyaIruken* that's exactly the impression I get. He resents me for 'trapping' him when he was free before.

He makes out all the stress and problems that come with raising children is all my fault as I ' got myself pregnant' ( his own words )

He’s a twat who hasn’t taken responsibility for his own actions. If you’re unhappy tell him to leave, don’t teach your children that it’s ok to not take personal responsibility for your actions or be so disrespected in a relationship

HollyGenneroMcClane Sun 10-Jan-21 08:05:31

I wouldnt feel secure with this man as the father of my children. How old was he when he got a teenager pregnant? And maybe he needs reminding that he was the man who got a teenager pregnant whenever he says it.

His attitude would worry me. It is like he he will always have an excuse to leave without guilt.

Whats your work situation? How many children? Why are you not married?

Jobsharenightmare Sun 10-Jan-21 08:10:07

Personally this would make me feel insecure in the relationship as he's effectively saying he's there out of duty to the kids and presumably wishes things were different, he wasn't "trapped"....so I'd be assuming he'll leave when he feels it's OK and the children are old enough/ he meets someone else.

It doesn't come across that he actually loves you. How are things generally though, as these posts are obviously focused on this issue?

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in