Therapy vs acceptance

(12 Posts)
RatherChillyInHere Fri 08-Jan-21 20:44:46

I going to keep this very short.

I'm mid 40s. I had an emotionally and physically abusive abusive childhood. Whilst the physical abuse ended when i was 18 amd left home, the emotional abuse continued until i cut contact with my surviving and responsible parent in my late 30s.

The impact has been severe and has negatively affected every part of my life.

I have a lot of the traits of people who have been abused.

I have had therapy and counselling over the years. Many times. But nothing has had sufficient impact. This is largely because I've not been in the right place for it and because my beliefs about myself are so deeply entrenched.

Unfortunately, one of the effects has been that I am unable to hold down a permanent job so, whilst being intelligent, educated and working in a professional field, I only take on short term and temporary positions because it's all i can manage.

This has had a huge adverse impact on my earning potential and, quite frankly, i simply can't afford more therapy.

I feel that my best option is one of acceptance. Acceptance that my life will always he less than inwant it to be; acceptance that i will never be able to have a relationship; acceptance that friendships will always be transient; acceptance that I will never achieve professionally etc.

Has anyone else followed a path of acceptance as a way of healing? Has it worked? How did you achieve peace?

OP’s posts: |
Jellycatspyjamas Fri 08-Jan-21 21:00:30

I think acceptance can be very healing, but I don’t think of acceptance in the way that you do.

I accept my parents couldn’t care for me in the way they should, I accept that people have let me down badly, that I’ve experienced significant trauma as a child and into adulthood and that I’ve suffered as a consequence.

I don’t accept that it defines me or that I need to live less a life because of it. I’ve worked very hard to get to that point and long term therapy has been part of that work.

RatherChillyInHere Fri 08-Jan-21 21:57:18

I see what you are saying.

It all just hurts too much.

OP’s posts: |
thelake Fri 08-Jan-21 22:21:18

Yes I think accepting will allow you to relax and enjoy life more instead of creating expectations for yourself and then feeling like a failure. It will bring you confidence to accept who you are and to embrace it.

thelake Fri 08-Jan-21 22:22:03

Also try to find the positives in the negatives eg- I will never have a relationship = I have freedom

thelake Fri 08-Jan-21 22:22:59

Try to find something that you really enjoy though. Maybe something simple from reading lots, or learning a language or start sketching or do a YouTube fitness thing regularly. Just something small that you can own

Stompythedinosaur Fri 08-Jan-21 23:00:13

Acceptance is a part of therapy though (for example, in DBT it is one of the tools used to help with distress tolerance).

I'm not sure that what you're describing is acceptance, though. Acceptance would mean accepting that you don't currently have a career or relationships in your life that you would ideally like. It woukd be accepting that you are currently doing the best you can with the resources you have.

Acceptance doesn't mean pre-deciding that there is no hope in the future. None of us know what is going to happen.


6lb3oz Fri 08-Jan-21 23:06:00

Look into acceptance and commitment therapy ACT, it has helped me with severe fear and anxiety, helped to overcome dependency on medicine and insomnia.

It's not about giving up, it teaches you how to respond to the way you're feeling and/or thinking so that it doesn't take over your life.

I have had various therapies and I discovered this in a book for insomnia. Changed everything for me.


Regularsizedrudy Fri 08-Jan-21 23:08:06

That doesn’t sound like acceptance, it sounds like a stick to beat yourself with.

Userfgs Sun 10-Jan-21 13:53:06

RatherChilly I could have written your post. I'm a similar age to you and experienced abuse as a child which has severely impacted me in spite of tons of therapy. I am now estranged from my parents and have a family of my own.

However, despite being degree educated, I have never managed to attain a job which makes use of this and I have had jobs which would require little more than good GCSE's. Anxiety and confidence issues are at the root of this.

I think you're talking about resigning yourself to the way things are for you...I suppose I have to some extent and now I'm trying to focus on interests etc/personal development having written off a decent career of any kind. And, yes I possess the beating stick which I use on myself - this is one thing I'm learning to do - be kinder to myself. It's weird that only now that I'm on the brink of the menopause that it is actually sinking in how awful I have been to myself at times - negative self talk etc. It is an ingrained habit spanning decades and no doubt stemming from childhood.

The ACT therapy sounds interesting. I think I might do some more reading about this. Glad to hear it helped you 6lb. I am always open to trying new things that might help.

Norealclue Sun 10-Jan-21 14:03:41

I have had some therapy as a result of things that have gone on around me. My problems are more recent than yours sound OP. I am still at the very angry stage, and do not foresee a time when I will accept what happened as being acceptable ever. A few times it has been suggested that I should let it all go over my head and not let it bother me. I want to fight it out with the overseeing bodies of the occupations involved. On the personal front I know what is going on and I stay away from everything but that is because I am so angry not because I accept bad treatment.

Sarahlou63 Sun 10-Jan-21 14:09:31

Rather than having therapy, have you considered studying therapy in order to get a deeper insight at your own pace and in privacy? Understanding why you think the way you do and how to shift your perception can be very healing. Google Kain Ramsay - his courses are very good.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in