Always self sabotaging relationships by being too interrogaty abs analytical

(7 Posts)
Ursylm11 Thu 07-Jan-21 23:42:46

I’m naturally a very risk averse and analytical person which helps me in some life areas a lot. However, it doesn’t help in relationships as I feel like I’m looking for problems and making a mountain of a molehill sometimes.

How can I stop myself doing this? I have a fairly busy life, generally ok self esteem.

I read this:

And this part in particular was very relatable to me:

4. Don't overmonitor or interrogate

Don't treat your partner as some kind of therapy client, or worse still, an interrogation subject.

"What are you thinking?"
"You didn't smile when I suggested we go out next week!"
"We need to talk meaningfully about..."
Not every 'issue' needs to be earnestly 'explored' and endlessly dissected. No one likes to feel like they've signed up to some ongoing interrogation, with every thought and action being analyzed. Where's the fun in that? And yes, fun is very important to the health of a relationship.2

Couples who know what not to talk about tend to be the happiest.3 Constantly shining super-bright lights into a cave won't necessarily make it more beautiful.

Some monitoring is necessary, but so is a sense of freedom, spontaneity, and fun. Overanalysis is often driven by emotional insecurity, but the fallout of this stress may be damage to the relationship.

Relationships need to be fun as well as heavy. In fact, they should seldom be heavy.

Yes, if there is something really important going on then you might need to 'explore' it with your partner. But treating a relationship like one big explorative therapy session may cause unhealthy dependency and unbalance the reciprocal and equal exchange of attention that is so vital to the health of any relationship. Or it may send the other person running for the hills just so they can feel safe to have a private thought or two.

Alongside overmonitoring we often find another classic relationship corroder.

It’s not just analysing negatively but even positively but my mind is constantly in high power analysis mode. It’s almost like my safety blanket. Even if someone explains something, I will ask tons of questions on details they’ve left out so I have the full story.

I only have my own point of reference so it’s hard to know how to change. What would you consider over monitoring or over analysis if done by your partner and how can I stop doing that?

OP’s posts: |
MouseholeCat Fri 08-Jan-21 00:51:01

Posted too soon due to cat, sorry! I meant to say I think you need to question whether this analysis is some sort of protective response that is being driven by a deep-seated insecurity like fear of abandonment or rejection. If you can, it may be worth spending some time talking this through with a therapist to try and get to the root of the issue.

partyatthepalace Fri 08-Jan-21 02:32:31

Well, why do you think you do it? It is tiring to go out with someone like this, yes.

BeanieB2020 Fri 08-Jan-21 02:51:24

You need to think about why you do it. It is exhausting to be around people who interrogate and analyze and will make people put their guards up and not be their true selves.

Sometimes I think it can be less of an intentional over analysis/interrogation thing and more of an inability to make conversation naturally. Some people will ask an excessive amount of questions because they don't realize that questions aren't conversation (there will be some in conversations, obviously, but most of the conversation will be discussion and not heavy on questioning), and also insecurity makes people say they need to "explore issues" directly instead of just having casual conversation over time to discuss things without pressure. That's definitely an anxiety thing. Can actually create problems that weren't there before and the interrogation/making an issue more relevant than it is can turn a non-problem into something that ends a relationship. So maybe you need to work on conversation styles or anxiety or both.

The fact that you're aware that you do it means it's likely you can change it.

Ursylm11 Fri 08-Jan-21 14:46:19

Thanks everyone for responses so far. I think it’s a mix of reasons. Maybe insecurity along with a constantly whirring analytical curious head as even outside relationship, with stuff like taxes or work etc, I’m the same.

Would be great if people could give examples of what they consider this type of behaviour. What I consider normal curiosity might be too much to most others so would be great to have some examples of such.

OP’s posts: |
BeanieB2020 Fri 08-Jan-21 16:46:32

Where you say this in your OP * Even if someone explains something, I will ask tons of questions on details they’ve left out so I have the full story* -- this comes across as an interrogation and implies you don't believe what the other person is saying and you're looking for as much information as possible because of that. It also disrupts the person sharing and forces them to share in a way that you want them to rather than how they would like to share their story/experience/information. Ask yourself if all of the details are really necessary for you to understand what they're sharing. Focus on listening to what they are saying instead of thinking about what they are (in your perception) leaving out. It's OK to ask questions if you need some clarification, but digging for every last detail makes you sound like a police detective and not an active listener/conversation participant. Ask one or two questions during a conversation and make sure you're adding to the conversation with your thoughts and opinions and reactions a lot more than you are asking questions. Try to notice when your responses are nothing but question after question after question and make a point of trying to stop and listen instead.

Another thing is starting conversations with personal questions without offering anything personal about yourself first. A basic example might be asking a new partner how many relationships they have had. These kinds of questions put people on the spot and in the awkward position of, if they're not ready to share that info yet, having to decline to answer, lie, or share information they weren't ready to share. If you want to have that conversation it's less invasive to invite the person to share if they want to by talking about your personal experience first and letting them decide whether to share theirs in response or direct the conversation elsewhere if they don't feel like sharing.

Excessive questioning is intrusive because nobody is entitled to an answer to a personal question, but asking it implies they have to answer or face some kind of consequence, especially if it's in a relationship.

I think your example of wanting to know how taxes work and asking questions outside of personal relationships is NOT an issue because these are information and facts that are separate from the person you're talking with and aren't going to make them feel personally violated/interrogated. It's OK to ask a lot of questions about a work process as that's part of learning - just make sure you're taking notes so you don't have to ask again, as that gets annoying when you have to explain the same things multiple times.

Ursylm11 Fri 08-Jan-21 20:19:44

Thanks a lot @BeanieB2020 that all makes a lot of sense. It’s useful to hear it from the other side

OP’s posts: |

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