DD doesn’t ever have a best friend and I feel sad but don’t know how I can help.

(15 Posts)
Libertyfree Wed 06-Jan-21 17:38:38

DD is age 11 but has never had a best friend (not since pre-school). She’s friends with girls in her class but they’re mostly paired up and she’s just a hanger on.
She’s a nice girl, isn’t objectionable in any way so can’t understand it.
Do I just accept that some people will never have best friends?
I still end up arranging outdoor meet-ups (when not in lockdown). Feel so sad and tired for her:

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Howmanysleepsnow Wed 06-Jan-21 18:35:22

11 as in y6? Or y7? There’s a big difference. Ime y7-9 friendships constantly change (in non lockdown times)

EduCated Wed 06-Jan-21 18:38:39

Does it bother her? In many ways having lots of friends can be better as there’s less riding on the whims of one other person.

Leeds2 Wed 06-Jan-21 18:54:41

When we aren't in lockdown, does she do any out of school activities? Just thinking she could make friends with children from other schools, and something may develop from that.
It is great that she has lots of different friends already and, if she is about to move to senior school, the opportunity to make many more.

Ohalrightthen Wed 06-Jan-21 18:58:07

Going to be a bit blunt here, but there were a couple of girls at school I'd class as "nice but boring" in that they just tended to agree with what everyone else said, nod along a lot and not really contribute anything to conversation, just kinda bob about on the sidelines. They didn't tend to ever make it into the actual group, but they were completely objectionable, as you described your daughter, which is what made me think of it.

Mintjulia Wed 06-Jan-21 19:03:24

Watching. I share your worries. My DS is the same. He's 12 and has no close friend. He gets on fine with the other boys in his class but no-one close.

He says it's because they're all obsessed with football which he doesn't like. I'm worried he's keeping his distance because his best friends from reception class and from year 4 both moved away and he was very upset.

Like you, I'm not sure how to help, or even if I should try.

BogRollBOGOF Wed 06-Jan-21 19:07:45

DS 7 is having this problem.
No particular personality problems on either side, just a very small cohort of boys (9 others) and all very well bonded, often since nursery or NCT and no room for him.
It was a bit better in y2 and names were getting mentioned more. Then lockdown and he hasn't worked out how to slot in since September and now its illegal for him to have a face to face friendship again.

He's well liked, just no one has space to be a real friend.

He's never been on a playdate.

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funtimefrank Wed 06-Jan-21 19:14:18

My Dd2 is the same and it's been a tough old ride because she does care. She is a twin and her sister is popular and has a bf so that makes it more obviously

My dd is a lovely bright and funny girl. But if I take off my mummy glasses she's also quite clingy and immature for her age. She has a quick temper and be a sulker. She is quite a tomboy and the other girls in her class are very girly so she is 'different'. She has friends and is popular enough but hasn't gelled with anyone.

We've done a lot of work on this over the years and it's been partially successful but the struggle is making recognise when she puts people off by wanting stuff her own way. School have also done some similar work with her

At this stage we're waiting for secondary where she meets a broader mix. She is such a sweet girl and it's really hard as a parent to help them with this .

yellowhighheels Wed 06-Jan-21 19:15:37

As a PP says, when you say she's not objectionable, could it be that she is so quiet and agreeable that she doesn't give any of the others chance to get to know her personality and add much to the conversation?

Libertyfree Wed 06-Jan-21 20:45:30

She’s year 7. It does bother her and she wishes she has someone special. I think she’s immature for her age and that’s maybe more obvious now.
She does get friendly with people but then they just melt away with others.
I’m now reaching the point where I think that’s just the way it is for some people.
It’s such hard work constantly arranging things for her. I had hoped she’d be doing her own thing now.

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billy1966 Wed 06-Jan-21 22:34:18

Never encouraged best friends here but having lots of good friends.

Has served my children well.

Tales of best friend fall outs during my girls time in school made me glad that I took the advice when it was given.

Encourage friendships is good enough IMO.

yellowhighheels Thu 07-Jan-21 12:36:54

Also, I know it's hard with lockdown but are you generally encouraging her to develop interests, opinions and good conversational skills? This will set her up for life making friends with people she has common ground with. In school it is very much luck of the draw who you get thrown in with but this will help her make friends elsewhere and in the future (we we can actually meet people again).

GypsyLee Thu 07-Jan-21 12:40:35

Mine has never had a best friend, just friends with lots of people.

SweatyBetty20 Thu 07-Jan-21 13:36:59

I'm in my forties now but I was probably your daughter. I was a June baby so started in reception in January, and all the friendship groups were already formed. There was also a girl who I would probably label as the class leader - very extrovert, loud, and opinionated, whereas I was very shy and am an introvert, and she was the cause of my lack of friends.

She was also a bully - I was never hit, but she took the time every day to make sure I was alienated; I couldn't play with them because I was the only one with short hair, the only one with long socks, the only one with brown shoes etc. I was never invited to parties by people from school. This went on until a girl the same age as me who was going to go to my school moved next door when I was ten. The day she moved was the start of the school holidays, and we did nothing but play together all day every day. By the time it came round to go back to school she was already my friend, and nearly 40 years later she still is.

Things also improved when I went to secondary school - lots of different people, ones who I hadn't grown up with, and who didn't listen to her. I'll never know why she took such a dislike to me almost from the day I started school, but she caused a lot of damage - I'm a lot more confident these days but have a terrible fear of rejection, e.g. I'd never throw a party, or ask a group of people round.

Try and foster friendships outside of school - not easy at the moment, but things like craft clubs, brownies or scouts, swimming lessons, other sports - maybe with people she doesn't go to school with.

Libertyfree Mon 11-Jan-21 15:06:30

Sorry to hear the sad experiences some of you and your children have had.
Life just isn’t fair.

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