My daughter's been assaulted. What do I do?

(133 Posts)
surlycurly Tue 05-Jan-21 00:04:00

She nearly 17. She went out tonight to have a last meet up with friends before lockdown. Clearly she has had a lot to drink. She's been flirting with a boy, gone down an alleyway with him and then he's gotten her by the throat and made her do several things she didn't want to. She told him not to but then gave up and went with it after her bit her neck. She was afraid. She's had experience with boys and so isn't over reacting out of guilt. She has two bite marks and a swollen lip. Despite my attempts to convince her She's adamant that she will NOT press charges as she says she'll be made to look like a slut, only for it to drag on for two years and eventually go nowhere as it would be her word against his. She's Not capable of dealing with that (she's ASD). But I hate the idea of him behaving like that and not being punished for it. She was hysterical when she came home. She's ok now and has gone to bed but I'm lying here feeling like I've done the wrong thing and should have called the police. I may still do so in the morning. I've never felt so helpless or frustrated in my life.

OP’s posts: |
Bunnybigears Tue 05-Jan-21 00:07:20

Call the police now not in the morning. It might not lead to a conviction but it will let your daughter know that you can't let people do these things to you and do nothing about it. Do you want her to grow up knowing she was assaulted, told you about it and you did nothing?!

Brenna24 Tue 05-Jan-21 00:08:21

Hugs to you both. You have done the right thing respecting her wishes. It is her choice and she is sadly probably right. It is great that she was talk to you about it and you believed her. That will make a huge difference to how she copes long-term.

Bambi1222 Tue 05-Jan-21 00:09:56

So sorry op. Just go and hug her for now.

HollowTalk Tue 05-Jan-21 00:10:13

I agree - call the police now. Your poor daughter.

surlycurly Tue 05-Jan-21 00:10:43

I not doing nothing. She will refuse to coooperate if I call them and she's not onboard. I told her that we would have to make a decision about it in the morning, as it's not going away. Every instinct I have said phone them. But she was adamant. She's PDA and won't be moved in something when she decides it. And for the record, how I feel is horrific. I'm in a no win situation here.

OP’s posts: |
Denny53 Tue 05-Jan-21 00:10:47

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.


Houseworkavoider Tue 05-Jan-21 00:12:45

What is wrong with you?!

Viviennemary Tue 05-Jan-21 00:13:14

He sounds dangerous if he grabbed her by the throat. I think the police should be informed about it even if she doesn't want to press charges. He may have form for this.

LoisWilkersonslastnerve Tue 05-Jan-21 00:15:22

Sanctimonious sniping is all you can offer Denny?

Zlistceleb Tue 05-Jan-21 00:15:24

Gosh, how awful for you both. Would she let you at least take photos of the bite marks? I feel for her (a horrific experience) but I equally think that the lad has to face up to what he's done.

I think that I would also call the police but I can't honestly say that it's the right thing to do as it's going against her wishes. Actually, scrap that, I would definitely call the police. The fact that she has ASD means that I'd be even more inclined to report it.

surlycurly Tue 05-Jan-21 00:15:52

I do parent her. Every teenager I know drinks. I didn't give her permission or buy it for her, but that doesn't mean she's not going to do it. And re the boys, she had a year long relationship in which she had sex twice. Which I know about because we discussed it before she did it. At 16. Good to know that the Mumsnet ice maidens are still getting their kicks out of asserting their moral superiority.

OP’s posts: |
ParkheadParadise Tue 05-Jan-21 00:16:04

She's nearly 17 hmm

ree348 Tue 05-Jan-21 00:16:06

Oh gosh OP sorry your daughter is going through this it can't be easy for either of you.

I know it's totally her choice on reporting. However how would she feel if he went on and assaulted more women? Stopping him in his tracks now rather than another woman having to endure the same thing?

I know it's a lot to take in right now, esp now as your focus is on your daughters mental state. Hopefully she will see things better in the morning. Good luck in getting through this thanks

bodhi1982 Tue 05-Jan-21 00:16:18

She's under 18 , I'd phone the police .

LoisWilkersonslastnerve Tue 05-Jan-21 00:16:22

The police might get her to open up a bit, but I can see why you want to do what dd is asking flowers

Somewhereelsewhere Tue 05-Jan-21 00:16:35

I don’t have a child that age so
Have little experience. But my gut tells me that her sense of trust was violated tonight and it’s important that her trust in you isn’t broken. I think you need to make sure you work with her to help her process anything she needs, and any action she wants to take.
But I wouldn’t think calling the police without her consent would do anything but cause a
Fracture in your relationship and a subsequent loss of trust.

You must be so livid. The idea of this boy getting away with this is maddening and worrying..

Hailtomyteeth Tue 05-Jan-21 00:16:36

@Denny53- hush your mouth!

OP, my family are asd adhd pda. Your assessment is correct, you can't force her. Do you have her clothes safe in case she changes her mind later, in case of dna evidence?
Also, she was doing perfectly normal young woman things - this isn't her fault or yours.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Tue 05-Jan-21 00:17:48

Call the police. He's going to spend lockdown planning how to do it to her again.

This might be useful.

Dragongirl10 Tue 05-Jan-21 00:18:21

I would call the police regardless, then his parents, then him....
Then his school or college, l would raise hell

Maybe not the right route but l would threaten him like never before.

partyatthepalace Tue 05-Jan-21 00:18:40

So sorry OP.

I’d suggest you call rape crisis who should be able to help arrange someone for her to talk to to hopefully limit how this impacts on her in future.

I’d also be inclined to call the police myself, just to lodge it, but quite understand you don’t want to.

Rainbows89 Tue 05-Jan-21 00:19:44

I wouldn’t call the police.

The most important thing is that she feels she can trust you and you will support her.

There will be a local rape crisis centre that you can call for help.

Does she need medical attention?

Just care for her and be there for her.

If she decides to report it at a later date then fine.

FAQs Tue 05-Jan-21 00:19:54

Report it to the Police, explain her reluctance and include the part where is partly due to being worried how they’ll react to her. They can talk to her and explain her options, the process and possibly take some evidence such as images and clothing whilst she decides what to do.

You can’t not report because of what she thinks will happen. As a parent myself of a 16 year old girl, I’d be the parent and report it tonight.

surlycurly Tue 05-Jan-21 00:20:39

Thanks to those of you that haven't jumped to berate me. I'm genuinely horrified but I've raised an independent and intelligent woman who gave me a clear outline of all the things that would happen if we called the police, and solid reasons why she didn't want that to happen. We are very close and very open. I've hugged her until she made me get off, and now she's in bed and seems exhausted but ok. Her autism will work for her when she makes her mind up too. But I genuinely don't feel like not pursuing it is right. Simply in case he does it again. We have her clothes and photos of her neck, and we will discuss it in the morning again. No one prepares you for this stuff.

OP’s posts: |
NetofLemons Tue 05-Jan-21 00:21:09

You can search for NHS rape and sexual assault service help here. She’s had a very traumatic experience and speaking to a professional might be very helpful to her. flowers alternatively they may be able to advise you how to practically support her. flowers

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