To dob in husband for having a mate over to stay (t4)?

[pissedoffcovidiotwife]

My DH told me today that he's having a mate over next week to play a hobby game they have in common. Mate is other side of London and apparently will stay the night because it's too far a drive. plus they will drink so he won't be able to drive.

Backstory is, this hobby is killing me. The games take place in our open plan kitchen so whenever they happen our toddler and I have to go about our normal bedtime routine around them. Last time this happened (which was still during a lower tier!) this mate insuinuated I let my toddler watch too much tv, they managed to eat all of the dinner I'd prepared before I got a chance to eat ( I was doing toddler bed time), and the worst of all, the drunker they get, the more piss ends up around the toilet. I hate the invasion of my privacy and end up spending the night in bed.

I've told DH in no uncertain terms that I don't want this game to happen but he's adamant it will happen. I'm so mad especially given we are in tier 4- there's not much I can do with my toddler even if the game happens in the day, and if it's at night then I am literally trapped with an irritable toddler and two drunk men taking over the house.

If he decides to go ahead with the game AIBU to report to local police? They have fined quite a few households apparently, so they're pretty quick on it, but surely DH would just suspect me?

[ChristmasCookies]

He is putting your and your child at harm!

I wouldnt personally phone the police on my husband,
But seems your husband doesnt respect you or your child

[TomorrowsPrincess]

If I was married to a man that didn't listen when I stated how much potential harm he could be putting me and our child in...... to the point I was going to report him to the police because he didn't listen.... I'd be phoning a divorce lawyer straight after phoning the plod.

[pissedoffcovidiotwife]

Thank you both. He just doesn't seem to give a shit.

[Bluntness100]

No, I wouldn’t do this. I’d deal with it.

You both need to find a compromise. He needs to be able to do his Hobby with his friend. You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable. So you need to talk and work out how to move forward.

[Bluntness100]

And yes he will know it’s you. How will it impact your marriage and can you both afford a fine?

[nosswith]

@Bluntness100 I don't think it is something to compromise on. No-one in tier 4 should be staying in other houses, except in limited and defined circumstances.

Is there any way that speaking directly to the visitor will stop him coming? Better stop the visit than involving the police if at all possible.

[ilovesooty]

He doesn't "need to be able to do his hobby with his friend". Mixing households in tier 4 is forbidden unless this friend is single and you've both agreed that you're his support bubble.

[FestiveChristmasLights]

Report him if you want but yes, he will know it’s you and your relationship will need to get past it (both him disrespecting you and you reporting him to the police) as well as pay the fine.

[FestiveStuffing]

I'd probably pick this as the hill I die on, in your shoes. I'd be making him choose between his little game and his marriage. More because of the urine and general twattery than because of COVID though.

[GingerAndTheBiscuits]

It’s not the police’s job to manage your relationship though.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@Bluntness100

No, I wouldn’t do this. I’d deal with it.

You both need to find a compromise. He needs to be able to do his Hobby with his friend. You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable. So you need to talk and work out how to move forward.

Why does he NEED to do his hobby that involves having a mate over the house when they're in tier 4 and they shouldn't be going in each others homes??

[SuperbGorgonzola]

I agree with Bluntness. The Tier 4 is by the by really, as the real issue will remain even when covid isn't a factor. The issue is the inconsiderate way that he is behaving when this activity is happening.

While he is entitled to have a friend over (covid aside obvs) in his own home, you shouldn't be left to clean up urine or have to pussyfoot around either. There needs to be agreement about how it will work well for both of you.

[rollinggreenhills]

He needs to be able to do a hobby with his friend

With all due respect, the OP and her DH live in a Tier 4 area, and visits from friends indoors are not allowed. End of.

It's idiots like him who have got us into this godforsaken mess, and behaviour like this means it will only get worse. Selfish bastards.

[dontgobaconmyheart]

He sounds pathetic OP. Pissing around the toilet and endangering peoples health just to play some hobby when he is a grown man, come on. He's shown you who he is as a person by not giving a shit about tier 4. I would be wanting him to leave. He can go to his mates and they can piss on his floor and act like a couple of selfish losers there surely?

I can't imagine the police will actually turn up for this but I'd just tell him that if he goes ahead I will be calling them, and would certainly see it through. It would be his own wrongdoing not yours. The only person that needs to compromise is him.

[SleepingStandingUp]

The Tier 4 is by the by really, as the real issue will remain even when covid isn't a factor. The issue is the inconsiderate way that he is behaving when this activity is happening whilst I agree that the problem would still need dealing with is op was in T1 , the fact that he's breaking the rules, putting his family at risk of infection, and a fine is not insignificant

[littlejalapeno]

Two issues, first is breaking tier 4 rules, second is his disrespect of your home. I wouldn’t call attention to it, send tour husband to his house and call the police on them there?

Kinda joking, find the whole “dob your friends neighbours in” mentality abhorrent, I mean, we all know it happened it nazi Germany, Stalin’s Russian, Chile under Pinochet etc etc, but that’s something we usually use to show how awful those regimens were, not to get ideas about settling our own scores under curfew... you know?

[stuffedforchristmas]

I think you need to separate out the issues.

I wouldn't report someone I was planning to try and raise a child with in the same home.

It's not about the reporting really, is it.

[pissedoffcovidiotwife]

Thanks for all the comments. Yes it's not really so much about breaking the rules as 1) his complete inability to listen to me and 2) the obvious COVID risk, especially with this new strain.

His mate has two kids and his wife wouldn't be up for hosting.

In the past I've considered booking a premier inn for the toddler and I so we don't have to deal with the distraction / lack of privacy but I can't even do that now because it's shut. I just want to sit in my pyjamas in the evening and deal with the toddler and whatever is going on - dinner, bath, tantrums, and a long bedtime routine.

If they decide on a day time game and no "sleepover" I can always take the toddler outside, but the weather has been so rotten it's just not always pleasant.

I don't think i will end up reporting but I'll be quite honest when the mate shows up that i am unimpressed and will probably lock myself and toddler in our loft bedroom (where this mate is planning on staying). At least then we don't need to cross paths.

[Lollyneenah]

Is ending the relationship not a possibility OP? You sound like your be much better off without him

[CommunistLegoBloc]

@Bluntness100

No, I wouldn’t do this. I’d deal with it.

You both need to find a compromise. He needs to be able to do his Hobby with his friend. You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable. So you need to talk and work out how to move forward.

This is an absolutely batshit response. I probably wouldn't report either but to say that he 'needs' to do his hobby when you think of the actual sacrifices people have made this year...christ

[SuperbGorgonzola]

@CommunistLegoBloc it's not batshit at all because it points out that the Covid restrictions are only an exacerbating factor. Two years from now (hopefully) Tiers will be a thing of the past, but the way in which he behaves in this scenario will be the same. If the gathering was happening in a perfectly reasonable way, but it was breaking restrictions, then that would be different.

So it is correct that the husband is entitled to a social life, but where that takes place and how it impacts the OP is the primary issue that needs to be resolved.

[Avondklok]

I'd just tell him it's not happening. He's free to live somewhere else.

[Gunpowder]

I wouldn’t report him. He’s your husband but GOD all this would piss me off. So thoughtless and selfish. Does he know how much it all upsets you? If the other wife won’t stand for it then you are in a good position to say it’s not on, Covid or no Covid.

[TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]

Apologies for ignoring your question but I'm desparate to know what game it is that takes over your open plan kitchen.
Is it hide and seek?
Live action Cludeo?
Virtual fishing?
Pin the Tail on the REAL donkey?
Blind Man in the Buff?
...

[Cynara]

I agree 100% with GingerAndTheBiscuits. The crux of your problem has nothing to do with Covid, that's just a convenient hook to hand your irritation on. This is all about the problems inherent to the relationship you have with your husband. The police have much better things to do than become involved in your marital disputes. Sort it out between you without dragging them into it.