Do you think it's rude to ask someone to stay in a hotel?

(55 Posts)
TheRoyalOak Mon 21-Dec-20 23:38:08

Not at the moment obviously, but in non covid times.

If someone says they very much want to come and visit, (as in it is their suggestion, not the host's), they earn a good living, (better than the host does), they use hotels when visiting other people and you don't have a spare room, (it would mean someone giving their bed to the guest and sleep in a camp bed)?

Full disclosure; I don't think this is rude at all and wouldn't mind if someone asked me to do it.

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Aquamarine1029 Mon 21-Dec-20 23:39:52

If they invite themselves it's not rude at all.

Ginfordinner Mon 21-Dec-20 23:41:40

Not at all. "I'm looking forward to seeing you. Unfortunately we don't have room to put you up but here are a few places you can stay"

DrMadelineXMASwell Mon 21-Dec-20 23:56:19

It's rude for a guest to expect to take a host's bed. The guest sleeps on the campbed if they won't stay in a hotel.

purplecorkheart Mon 21-Dec-20 23:59:07

Not rude at all. The host does not have the room for them.

OneEpisode Tue 22-Dec-20 00:00:10

The hotel is very sensible and perfectly polite in this situation.

If the host invited elderly gps to spend time, including perhaps babysitting the dgc, giving the guests a private room in the home is more appropriate, and the host could share with their own dc, or sleep in living space...

TheRoyalOak Tue 22-Dec-20 08:45:25

Thanks everyone! I agree.

Also agree that if someone invites someone, and especially if it's an older relative coming to stay or a couple, then yes, you have to put them up and take the camp bed.

This is someone who has been asking to come and saying things like, "ok, I won't come due to covid but when I do come, I'll be staying longer", not thinking this might be a little uncomfortable for everyone, especially whoever has to give up their bed. They are not elderly. My age, which is mid thirties.

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Dozer Tue 22-Dec-20 08:48:43

Depends who it is, how close the relationship is IMO. If, for example, they’re a sibling or close friend would offer the camp bed/living room for X nights. If a cousin living overseas would suggest they book accommodation and just meet up with them or host them for a meal or two.

SD1978 Tue 22-Dec-20 08:58:01

Depends on the friendship for me. I'd be happy to make room with either a blow up bed or maybe decanting a kid for a few days if we were close

ScrapThatThen Tue 22-Dec-20 09:01:09

'I'll find out the best local Airbnb's for you for when you are able to visit the area, we are both getting too old for camp beds'.

RainingBatsAndFrogs Tue 22-Dec-20 09:01:27

In our family it would be unthinkable to ask guest to stay in a hotel. We would be making a bed for guest, kids on camp bed or whatever, guest would be saying ‘don’t worry, I will bring my camping mat and sleep in floor’... but in the end, if genuinely no room, the guest might say ‘I’ll find an airBnB nearby’.

There seems to be a lot of bosom-hefting indignant posturing about guests and hosts that all seems very inhospitable.

What’s the big deal with able-bodied 30 somethings mucking in on blow up beds?

Seems so precious and spoilt.

Sally872 Tue 22-Dec-20 09:04:55

They may not be expecting to stay at yours or they may have assumed there is room. Just need to manage their expectations "I would love it if you came, we don't have space to host unfortunately but if you still want to come to a hotel I will keep the weekend free so we can catch up"

Don't accidentally sound negative about trip because you are worried about hosting. That may appear like you don't want to see them.

TheRoyalOak Tue 22-Dec-20 09:06:02

SD1978

Depends on the friendship for me. I'd be happy to make room with either a blow up bed or maybe decanting a kid for a few days if we were close

I would too tbh. If it was someone I was dying to have stay, I'd move hell and high water, but this is someone who there's a bit of a history with, and they aren't someone I'm ready to go to the moon and back for to get them to stay.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs oh you sound like you're indulging in some bosom hefting indignation yourself here tbh. So you know, glass houses and stones etc!

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Ginfordinner Tue 22-Dec-20 09:08:09

RainingBatsAndFrogs

In our family it would be unthinkable to ask guest to stay in a hotel. We would be making a bed for guest, kids on camp bed or whatever, guest would be saying ‘don’t worry, I will bring my camping mat and sleep in floor’... but in the end, if genuinely no room, the guest might say ‘I’ll find an airBnB nearby’.

There seems to be a lot of bosom-hefting indignant posturing about guests and hosts that all seems very inhospitable.

What’s the big deal with able-bodied 30 somethings mucking in on blow up beds?

Seems so precious and spoilt.

Because I don't want to camp out in someone's front room. I have been there, done that and got the T-shirt. I also don't want to inconvenience other people, and would rather stay in a hotel.

TheRoyalOak Tue 22-Dec-20 09:09:53

Dozer

Depends who it is, how close the relationship is IMO. If, for example, they’re a sibling or close friend would offer the camp bed/living room for X nights. If a cousin living overseas would suggest they book accommodation and just meet up with them or host them for a meal or two.

Yes, a sibling! I think the attitude is "but we're siblings! You must want me to come and stay". Oh right are we just going to nearly gloss over the time you nearly punched me in the face or picked on my 5 yo child, or screamed at me because I didn't answer the phone immediately? No, off you pop to the Travelodge.

Sorry, I was trying to keep some of these details out to see if, on the face of it, it was rude to suggest it. Glad to see that not everyone thinks it is.

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TheRoyalOak Tue 22-Dec-20 09:11:14

Neatly*

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HopeAndDriftWood Tue 22-Dec-20 09:13:06

@RainingBatsAndFrogs While I see your view that it would be unthinkable in your family, it wouldn’t be in others.

I really dislike the idea of people sleeping in my bed. I’ve no idea why, but I’d never be one of those people who has parents round and they take our room... that’s just unthinkable to me. I’d happily pay for them to have a hotel, and I wouldn’t expect them to sleep on the floor, but they wouldn’t be offered my bed. And I’d be uncomfortable at being offered someone’s bed when I went to stay with them, too - I don’t really want to be in someone else’s bed. I’ll happily take the sofa/floor/pay for a hotel.

It’s just your worldview. Some people will fall over themselves to sleep on the floor. Some will do it and not want to; some will have done it in the past but not want to now, some will never have done it.

OP, all you can do is let them know that there’s no free beds/they’d be on the floor but they’re very welcome/they’d need to stay somewhere nearby, and they can choose if they come. That’s perfectly okay whatever their personal view.

ProudAuntie76 Tue 22-Dec-20 09:14:01

I think it’s the height of rudeness to invite yourself to stay in another person’s home. It’s one of my personal bugbears.

We’ve had to put up with it a lot over the years. We have very stressful jobs (at one point intensive care nurse and nurse in charge at A&E and young children to look after which meant we were barely functioning at home) and the last thing we needed was couples and their kids showing up and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. It can be really stressful and tiring having people stay in your home and it’s not something that’s a pleasure for everyone. I wouldn’t dream of putting anyone out and it irks me when there is pressure to have an open door, yes please take my bed policy. People should wait to be invited and if they aren’t, be prepared to get a hotel.

TheRoyalOak Tue 22-Dec-20 09:16:45

HopeAndDriftWood

*@RainingBatsAndFrogs* While I see your view that it would be unthinkable in your family, it wouldn’t be in others.

I really dislike the idea of people sleeping in my bed. I’ve no idea why, but I’d never be one of those people who has parents round and they take our room... that’s just unthinkable to me. I’d happily pay for them to have a hotel, and I wouldn’t expect them to sleep on the floor, but they wouldn’t be offered my bed. And I’d be uncomfortable at being offered someone’s bed when I went to stay with them, too - I don’t really want to be in someone else’s bed. I’ll happily take the sofa/floor/pay for a hotel.

It’s just your worldview. Some people will fall over themselves to sleep on the floor. Some will do it and not want to; some will have done it in the past but not want to now, some will never have done it.

OP, all you can do is let them know that there’s no free beds/they’d be on the floor but they’re very welcome/they’d need to stay somewhere nearby, and they can choose if they come. That’s perfectly okay whatever their personal view.

Exactly! I would never invite myself to anyone's house. I would not mind in the slightest if they asked me to stay in a hotel.

No bosom hefting anymore than that poster was bosom hefting over the idea of not having a jolly hockeysticks, we all muck in and have a grand old time family. Which is distinctly lacking in imagination.

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ProudAuntie76 Tue 22-Dec-20 09:18:20

And yes, I’d agree that I also would prefer to stay in a hotel than inconvenience anyone and would find that more relaxing, knowing I’m not in the way or being a pain - what exactly is spoilt about that? Just because it’s unthinkable for one family doesn’t mean the rest of the world needs to agree.

TheRoyalOak Tue 22-Dec-20 09:21:01

ProudAuntie76

I think it’s the height of rudeness to invite yourself to stay in another person’s home. It’s one of my personal bugbears.

We’ve had to put up with it a lot over the years. We have very stressful jobs (at one point intensive care nurse and nurse in charge at A&E and young children to look after which meant we were barely functioning at home) and the last thing we needed was couples and their kids showing up and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. It can be really stressful and tiring having people stay in your home and it’s not something that’s a pleasure for everyone. I wouldn’t dream of putting anyone out and it irks me when there is pressure to have an open door, yes please take my bed policy. People should wait to be invited and if they aren’t, be prepared to get a hotel.

Yes, they also sit around and are waited on. I do find it rude. They invite themselves, take someone's bed and put their feet up, then can't understand why we don't think this is just the best thing ever. "WHEN are you going to let me come and stay". Once I said could they just come for one night instead of two. This was ONE week after their last visit. They screamed and cried and fell out with me. It isn't endearing. When I called them out for it, they made out that I was "psycho". Yes, they used that word.

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DuesToTheDirt Tue 22-Dec-20 09:23:30

Why would you give up your bed for a 30 something? If they stay, they get the sofa/floor.

ProudAuntie76 Tue 22-Dec-20 09:31:27

Yes, they also sit around and are waited on. I do find it rude. They invite themselves, take someone's bed and put their feet up, then can't understand why we don't think this is just the best thing ever. "WHEN are you going to let me come and stay". Once I said could they just come for one night instead of two. This was ONE week after their last visit. They screamed and cried and fell out with me. It isn't endearing. When I called them out for it, they made out that I was "psycho". Yes, they used that word.

Sounds exactly like one of my siblings. When they stay with our elderly parents they and their family stretch out on the sofa and take up the chairs so our parents have nowhere to sit, they expect a cooked breakfast and three different sorts of dinner (the teenagers are fussy eaters), they criticise the house, expect our parents to stay up till all hours waiting on them and leave their shit everywhere. They cause massive fights that my parents would do anything to avoid. This is going to sound batshit but at one point when they lived in a smaller house my youngest sister had to pretend she was still living at home for five years so that there wouldn’t be room for them to stay! She had her own flat but when our sibling came to stay and the teens were 5 and under they let them peel the wallpaper off, pick holes in the grout, scratch a brand new leather sofa and spill food everywhere. That sibling would go insane if anyone tried to gently guide the little ones not to destroy everything. So until they got older our parents lied and said sis and her boyfriend had to move back in and were saving money for a house so there was no room blush. Sis had to pretend to live at home whenever they came to visit! Looking back it was hilarious but at the time, awful to see how disrespectful some house guests, even when they are family, can be. My poor parents feel terrorised whenever they come to visit.

TheRoyalOak Tue 22-Dec-20 09:49:55

Omg I'm so glad it isn't just me who feels anxious about a close family member coming to stay. This one wouldn't destroy my house or anything, but yes, I can't forget the arguments they have started for no reason. I honestly think (MN classic) there might be an anger management problem. But there has never been any sort of apology for any of it. It just seems completely Jekyll and Hyde to then be all "of COURSE we would love to you come and stay for a week. Have my bed! How LOVELY"! No. Anxious making.

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TheRoyalOak Tue 22-Dec-20 09:50:53

I hasten to add... I'm not glad you have a difficult relationship with your sibling too though! The relief in my last post was probably in poor taste.

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