How to help DB and DC escape alcoholic wife

(50 Posts)
pinkiepromise123 Sun 29-Nov-20 17:31:59

Posting here for traffic as MH and Addiction boards pretty quiet.

SiL is an alcoholic with several MH diagnoses.
DB rightly or wrongly has tried to contain the situation for many years to protect the family.

They live 3 hours away and SiL has so controlled who DB speaks to that the only people around him now is SiL's family.

DB had to move himself and the DC out of the family home approx 4 weeks ago as SiL is now so disruptive and volatile. She is now drunk 24/7 lurching from binge to binge. Police and ambulances involved several times but she sobers up and is sent home.

SiL has refused all help and has refused to leave the family home.

The only place DB has to stay is with his in-laws and they are part of the problem. Complete denial about how serious the situation is.

DB has now had a breaks down himself and is staying with me but needs to gather strength at some point to get back to his DC.

He is utterly trapped. He goes back to in-laws to be with DC but get zero emotional support and sucked back into perpetuating the situation. I fear this will tip him over the edge.

Or

Stay here to try and regain mental strength but potentially exacerbate the situation by being away and put his relationship/rights with DC at risk.

I just don't know what to do. He has a hearing in Tuesday (formalising court order for DC to reside temporarily with in-laws) and will have representation but has so many questions/concerns. Yet he is petrified of alienating in-laws because they are providing a roof over his head.

Such a mess and he is in such a dark place as can see no way out.

OP’s posts: |
AuntieStella Sun 29-Nov-20 17:51:21

The DC need him.

How old are they? Not being gratuitously nosy, but wondering if they are older with local friends and settled in a school they like (which couid be a source of support for them) or younger and therefore more moveable

He needs a different place to live. Can you help with any of the practicalities on how to find and afford one?

pinkiepromise123 Sun 29-Nov-20 17:54:15

Don't want to risk outing but young enough to move them if he does it sooner rather than later

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FlibbertyGiblets Sun 29-Nov-20 18:05:59

The proposed court order, is it to place the children with grandparents or to place with their father?

Hercwasonaroll Sun 29-Nov-20 18:08:46

Can they all come to you temporarily?

Contact with the inlaws can be maintained. There's documented evidence of SILs issues so surely DB won't have any problems taking the children for now.

pinkiepromise123 Sun 29-Nov-20 18:24:58

DB really struggling himself at the moment. Has tried to manage the situation for so long he is broken.
Scared to move the DC from the 'normality' and consistently of daily life, however troubled it is.

Court order is giving in-laws temporary residency of DC but will only for about 6 weeks.

He could somehow come here but would mean leaving his job (currently off sick) and at the moment way to big a mountain to consider

OP’s posts: |
TheABC Sun 29-Nov-20 18:29:11

I would look into removing SIL from the home as that's in the best interests of the DC; from there, he can arrange counselling and repair their lives. He needs to speak to the family support of Al-anon and social services (I am guessing they are involved).

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CunnyLingus Sun 29-Nov-20 18:31:30

Your DB should have custody and the house and SIL should be the one that leaves the home.

I cannot see any other fair and reasonable outcome. Needs some solid thinking on that one I guess?

HTH.

MorningNinja Sun 29-Nov-20 18:32:12

Can DB rent his own place? Or financially can you assist him?

pinkiepromise123 Sun 29-Nov-20 18:33:15

He is speaking to Al-Anon and SS are involved.
It's so fucked up; he is so scared of alienating in-laws (who "just want things to be normal") and will give no help trying to him get the family home back.

He literally has no one else to support him where he lives

OP’s posts: |
CodenameVillanelle Sun 29-Nov-20 18:35:25

Why hasn't he brought the children with him??
Why on earth are the ILs getting a court order for a 6 week arrangement? Your DB is about to be shafted here. Who has made the application to court? What kind of order is it?
He needs to go immediately and get his kids. He needs to stay with you while he applies to court for a child arrangement order and occupation order (assuming he's in England). He's about to lose his house and his kids.

HotSince63 Sun 29-Nov-20 18:35:26

Why is the court order giving the IL's residency of the children? Is your brother not able to have them, is that what you're saying?

TheABC Sun 29-Nov-20 18:36:20

If he has no support there, he may well have to move. :-/

This is not a sustainable situation.

MrsTwitcher Sun 29-Nov-20 18:38:27

Can sil move in with her parents and he and dc stay in the house

namechanger0989 Sun 29-Nov-20 18:38:55

I don't know a lot about care orders or anything like that but I would be advising him not to give custody to in laws... that seems like a slippery slope to me. He needs to go and collect the children and bring them with him to you.
That's what would be advised to any woman posting on here.

bluebluezoo Sun 29-Nov-20 18:40:03

He needs to get tough.

Talk to work, get time off- parental leave, unpaid leave, work from home, whatever.

Come stay with you, with his kids.

Get a solicitor, apply for residency, get her removed from the house. Change the locks while she’s out if he has to, she can get her own legal advice to get her access back.

Blackjackontherocks Sun 29-Nov-20 18:42:15

CodenameVillanelle

Why hasn't he brought the children with him??
Why on earth are the ILs getting a court order for a 6 week arrangement? Your DB is about to be shafted here. Who has made the application to court? What kind of order is it?
He needs to go immediately and get his kids. He needs to stay with you while he applies to court for a child arrangement order and occupation order (assuming he's in England). He's about to lose his house and his kids.

This in spades. You say he’s represented, any decent solicitor would have advised getting an occupation order (I’m assuming it’s accepted he is a victim of domestic violence given the controlling behaviour) while residency and the former marital home is sorted out.

CunnyLingus Sun 29-Nov-20 18:42:45

Why does he need support where he lives. This is the age of the internet. This thread is in the ether and not only are posters geographically diverse I bet they are of differing ages, genders and social backgrounds.

DB should be living in the house with DCs and you and the rest of the world can support him as best they should.

Sounds like you both need to toughen up. Life gives you choices.

pinkiepromise123 Sun 29-Nov-20 18:43:36

I literally went up last week to get him and bring him here to keep him safe. I had no ideas how bad the situation was.
He has had what I can I only describe as a mental and emotional breakdown due to the interminable ongoing stress of the situation. We have had crisis and home treatment team involved here.
He can't even cope with what he wants for breakfast let alone being responsible for his DC.

It is an emergency 'prohibitive steps order' that is placing the DC with grandparents to keep them safe from their mother when she is drunk, but applies the same restrictions to DB as deemed he's not able to care for his DC at the moment.

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CodenameVillanelle Sun 29-Nov-20 18:43:56

Does he need 'support' to look after the kids?
He's going to have to accept that he's on his own and can't rely on his ILs to act in his or the kids' best interest. He needs to do what most lone parents do and pay for childcare.

pinkiepromise123 Sun 29-Nov-20 18:44:38

MrsTwitcher

Can sil move in with her parents and he and dc stay in the house


She won't and would soon be thrown out anyway. Hugely dysfunctional relationship

OP’s posts: |
CodenameVillanelle Sun 29-Nov-20 18:45:05

pinkiepromise123

I literally went up last week to get him and bring him here to keep him safe. I had no ideas how bad the situation was.
He has had what I can I only describe as a mental and emotional breakdown due to the interminable ongoing stress of the situation. We have had crisis and home treatment team involved here.
He can't even cope with what he wants for breakfast let alone being responsible for his DC.

It is an emergency 'prohibitive steps order' that is placing the DC with grandparents to keep them safe from their mother when she is drunk, but applies the same restrictions to DB as deemed he's not able to care for his DC at the moment.

Once the ILs have an order they will keep the kids if that's what they want to do
Why couldn't you have the kids with you too and you look after them while he's recovering?

CodenameVillanelle Sun 29-Nov-20 18:46:15

I've reflected and withdraw my post above. If ILs are getting a prohibited steps order to prevent DB from taking them then he must pose a risk to them and you should not attempt to keep them in the same house as him. The ILs are probably the safest place for them now.

HotSince63 Sun 29-Nov-20 18:48:40

Ah the truth comes out. Your DB is deemed not fit and/or a risk to the children hence the prohobited steps order.

Keep your brother with you. He needs to get well, get himself set up with accommodation and a job, etc and get himself in a place where he is seen to be a fit parent.

MorningNinja Sun 29-Nov-20 18:49:18

Ah, in that case it seems the DC are in the best place.

Your DB needs to sort himself out and in the nicest possible way it sounds like you're enabling him.

There has clearly been a lot of intervention and it hasn't been enough to make him smell the coffee. Leaving his job and the area sounds like taking him further away from his responsibilities.

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