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How do I tell DP I don't want him to view this flat?

(34 Posts)
CoolYourBeansMySon Sun 29-Nov-20 00:42:57

DP and I don't live together (too soon). He's currently flat hunting, and has shortlisted some flats he wants to go and see. They're all near to where I used to live. One of the flats is somewhere I went to a NYE party 15 odd years ago where I had my drink spiked and ended up having sex with someone because of it (not the person that spiked my drink but the guy had sex with me knowing that my drink had been spiked). It's been redecorated but it's clear from the layout and later finding out the block, it's definitely the one.
I don't know how to tell him. I'm going with him on viewings and I don't even want to set foot there. Just seeing the internal photos made me feel sick.
How/what do I tell him? He knows about the drink spiking incident but no detail and I don't want to have to bring it up again. Anyway, he's so excited about being able to buy somewhere I don't want to take the edge of it for him. I can try and put him off it, but I don't know how!
Any suggestions please?

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Sun 29-Nov-20 00:52:01

Tell him the truth. This is something you need to bring up again.

katy1213 Sun 29-Nov-20 00:53:46

Tell him the truth, especially as he already knows what happened. It's only a viewing, one of several. Why would it take the edge off buying a flat for him? Okay - not that one - move on.

Singinginshower Sun 29-Nov-20 00:54:58

If he knows about the drink spiking incident, I 'd just tell him (text?) that that particular flat is linked to that event and you would not feel comfortable being in the property.

NoSquirrels Sun 29-Nov-20 00:56:19

Tell the truth. If he already knows about the drink spiking, he knows enough to understand he should take that flat off the list.

Don’t be vague, don’t mess about bring discouraging about it - if you know you can’t be there ever be up front and tell him so.

Anordinarymum Sun 29-Nov-20 00:59:57

You must tell him only because it will eat away at you. When something happens that you have no control over and you bury it in your head as a way of dealing with it, you never know when it will resurface. It needs dealing with for your mental well being.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 29-Nov-20 01:00:10

If he knows about the drink spiking incident, I 'd just tell him (text?)

Don't text, FFS. You're an adult in a relationship with another adult, tell him in person. If he cares about you he will want to know.

CoolYourBeansMySon Sun 29-Nov-20 01:01:00

Yes, I probably should just tell him. Only, I don't want to bring it up again. It was a long time ago and I just want it buried. It feels like it was a "thing" that I've told him about but to give a location to it will make it real. Does that make sense?

OP’s posts: |
CoolYourBeansMySon Sun 29-Nov-20 01:07:44

Anordinarymum

You must tell him only because it will eat away at you. When something happens that you have no control over and you bury it in your head as a way of dealing with it, you never know when it will resurface. It needs dealing with for your mental well being.

Yeah you're very right, it is resurfacing now! I dealt with it at the time, and although that's not the issue, I don't want to have to bring it up. I want to park it again and I don't want him to have to think about it. I don't know if that makes sense? I don't want him to have to think about something that happened a long time ago that shouldn't have to affect him.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Sun 29-Nov-20 01:08:25

I just want it buried

But it's not buried, is it? If it were you wouldn't care. What happened to you is real, it can't be forgotten about or undone. You need to deal with this head on.

CoolYourBeansMySon Sun 29-Nov-20 01:13:33

Ok, perhaps not buried. That's the wrong choice of words. It happened, it's in the past and I get how and why it happened. It's a long story and was a very bizarre time of my life. But I am at peace with it now, although that's not to say that I want to see where it happened again or want to bring the details into my current relationship.

OP’s posts: |
TyneTeas Sun 29-Nov-20 01:19:59

You can be functionally over something without wanting to spend time in the place it happened because it triggers memories.

If you were looking at a property and your partner told you it was a place they had had a significant bad experience in, isn't that something you would want to know?

flowers

Aquamarine1029 Sun 29-Nov-20 01:24:30

If your relationship isn't strong enough to handle this it's best you know now.

Anordinarymum Sun 29-Nov-20 01:28:03

And it is not your fault OP. You are kind of shouldering the blame on a situation you had no control over because you feel ashamed that you allowed it to happen.

Someone else did this to you. I feel your angst.

CoolYourBeansMySon Sun 29-Nov-20 01:31:50

Aquamarine1029

If your relationship isn't strong enough to handle this it's best you know now.

Oh god no, it's not this at all! No, whatever I've said that makes you think that, it's not the case. If I told him about it then we would deal with it and we'd be fine - the point is that I just don't want to go and see the flat where it happened!

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Sun 29-Nov-20 01:36:37

the point is that I just don't want to go and see the flat where it happened!

You won't have to if you simply tell him the truth. You are making this far more complicated than it has to be.

tectonicplates Sun 29-Nov-20 01:56:34

Sorry OP, but you need to be upfront about this. I know it's not nice to talk about, but it's better to speak up now rather than further down the line.

caringcarer Sun 29-Nov-20 02:04:13

Just tell him that is flat you were effectively raped in and don't ever want to go in there again. He will understand and not want to view it anymore.

DaisyDreaming Sun 29-Nov-20 02:38:42

I would show him this or send a text, explain and then say at the moment you don’t want to talk/think about it

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy Sun 29-Nov-20 02:47:24

Just tell him the truth, it won’t be fun but it’s way easier than putting yourself through this back and forth

lyralalala Sun 29-Nov-20 03:10:10

CoolYourBeansMySon

Ok, perhaps not buried. That's the wrong choice of words. It happened, it's in the past and I get how and why it happened. It's a long story and was a very bizarre time of my life. But I am at peace with it now, although that's not to say that I want to see where it happened again or want to bring the details into my current relationship.

It’ll bring it into your relationship more if he ends up moving there and it splits you up.

Just tell him, and if you do want to do it by text because it’s hard to talk about that’s ok, that that flat is where the spiking happened and you won’t ever set foot in there again.

WattleOn Sun 29-Nov-20 03:18:20

YANBU

DP, I have been to that flat before. A party years ago that didn’t end well(more detail if you want). It freaks me out to even think about it. You don’t mind if I skip this one, do you?

Mally2020 Sun 29-Nov-20 03:28:13

I was ap* 2 years into my relationship and told my partner straight away, just tell them, be honest and fully state why you haven't brought it up before guarantee it will be fine, if you're worried for other reasons then just tell him you hate the flat and suggest a couple of others you love maybe including a couple you know he will like and hope it goes away

cbt944 Sun 29-Nov-20 04:18:54

If you don't tell him, he may well buy it, and then you'll really be in a triggering situation.

"Ahem. That flat is where my drink was spiked," kind of covers it.

Don't ignore your body's response to this.

expat101 Sun 29-Nov-20 04:48:34

I don’t talk much about my past to Hubby and he has never asked anything of me from my past either and that’s the way I think relationships should go.. we are going on 31 years if this counts for any indication of success.

However in your situation, I think you need to speak up. Your partner should be straight on your side if you explain how and why in general detail why this property makes you feel un comfortable.

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