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My fiancé is so dull

(293 Posts)
Emrae Sat 28-Nov-20 02:06:52

So I’m pissed off at my fiancé right now and just need to vent. We’re both in our early 30’s, engaged 5 years and no plans for wedding yet as we never seem to have enough money. I’m studying full time and working 3 days per week while he works full time in a low paid job. I seem to be the breadwinner and resent this if I’m honest (although I know that’s not right of me)

Basically I am pissed off with him and really upset because it’s his birthday today and I worked so hard to make it a special day despite lockdown but he doesn’t appreciate it.
Example 1. I planned to take the day off today and go for a nice walk somewhere outside our normal area in London. I told him this weeks before and when he got up this morning he was just so unenthusiastic and wanted to go to the local park down the road as we do most weekends. I know he should be able to do what he likes on his birthday but this just bothered me as I just really wanted a change of scenery and for us to do something different together that lasted longer than the usual short stroll around our neighborhood.
Example 2. He agrees to a different park (woohoo) We get to the park in a different area of London (dulwich to be exact) and I think it’s so lovely that I can’t help commenting on all the loveliness everywhere. He barely responds and seems uninterested in anything I say, fair enough maybe I do talk too much sometimes.
Example 3. He finally talks.. saying that his mother sent him 1k for his birthday. I say wow that he should really try and put that into a savings account, she gives him money like this maybe 2-3 times per year and I added that if he saved that money each time, he’d be in a position to buy a house by now. (Bare in mind, he earns just above min wage and any small savings we have is mostly from my part time earnings) he was offended by this and said that i am very negative and ungrateful. Not the case. I know his mother sending this money is hard for her, she is very much a working class woman who is sending this money from her retirement/ carer earnings (she cares for her disabled brother full time and also has a slow progressing type of cancer which is incurable) I just think that he should save it if he takes it all(I wouldn’t even accept it if it were my mother).
Example 4. I had bought ‘sexy underwear’ for his birthday but got a bit insecure about wearing it (basically because we haven’t had sex in a month and when I’ve wore stuff like this before, his reactions aren’t always what I expect). I went in to the living room to show him what I bought and he sort of laughed awkwardly. I said out of embarrassment that I didn’t think I was in the mood today as I stayed up until 2am studying but let’s see how I feel later (not the best pick up line but I was awkward because of his reaction)
Example 5. I had planned for a few of his friends to join us on FaceTime for birthday drinks which which went well and we enjoyed it, 2 hours in, they asked him to play on his computer games as they always do. He asked me if this was alright and j just snapped, I couldn’t believe it, I’m there trying to make a nice intimate day for him and this is what he wants. He plays on computer games at least 5 nights a week and sometimes during the day as he furloughed at the moment. We had a fight after the call with our friends as I couldn’t believe this is what he wanted to do and now i am in bed crying and he is playing his games in the other room. Can I just explain that I am not a clingy person, he plays games most nights as I said and I take one day off a week from studying/ working. Today was that one day off until next weekend. I have lots of friends whom I meet when lockdown permits. I do yoga and exercise classes 3 times per week online, study most evenings so really we only spend time together maybe one day on my day off and I’d say 1-2 evenings per week. I just feel so lonely and unwanted right now that he wants to spend his birthday just like any other evening with his friends online. I feel more emotional than usual because I’m stressed with uni work and I thought that maybe he’d understand me being a little more emotional than usual today and that maybe he’d appreciate me making an effort today on his birthday but no. Apparently I’m controlling and clingy. I just don’t know why I’m with him anymore, I’m in too deep, we’re together since I was 18. If anything he drags me down, he’s unambitious, a bit simple minded and lazy. If I left him, I would be so lost. I wish he’d just make more effort to maintain a healthy loving relationship instead of letting things get like this. We could be amazing together if he put in as much effort as I do. I’d like to maybe have children in a few years and he has said he would like to also. I just can’t see him with children, he’s forgotten to feed and walk our dog multiple times, I wouldn’t trust him to pull his weight equally.

OP’s posts: |
katy1213 Sat 28-Nov-20 02:18:02

He sounds a complete loser. In his 30s, and taking significant money from his elderly mum? You won't be lost without him. You'll thrive without dead weight dragging you down.

mayflowerapplepie Sat 28-Nov-20 02:21:55

I think you are making this day all about you and not him. But I think it is a sign of a lot of other issues in this relationship... I think you need a sit down and proper chat about where this is going because if nothing changes you both would be better off out if it

MouseholeCat Sat 28-Nov-20 02:22:08

I know this is easier said than done, but please don't waste another decade of your life on a man who drags you down. Nobody who wants the best for you will call you controlling or clingy. You shouldn't feel lonely in a relationship.

You say that you'll be lost without him, but it sounds like you're carrying the weight of 2 adults right now... you're more than strong enough to move on if that's what you want to do.

DeeCeeCherry Sat 28-Nov-20 02:34:14

He's not interested in you. He sees you as convenient. He's ok with mummy and you subbing him, isn't he? At his age this is who he is. Why are you crying over this utter bore? I bet he'll be the same or worse in 10 years time. Are you worried about being single? Otherwise I can't see why you wouldn't sack him off. Someone else will come along eventually.

Topseyt Sat 28-Nov-20 02:45:43

You are clearly not on the same page for many things so maybe you are incompatible. You seem to want to be doing things all the time, he isn't that bothered but sometimes is carried along.

His mother sends him the birthday money and it is for him, yet you are trying to plan how it should be saved or spent. I don't think you can assume that you have any right to do this as it is his birthday money. Then you seem shocked when he is defensive about it and doesn't want to engage with you on that one.

My parents send me birthday and Christmas money. They are very clear that it is for ME. They do also send some to DH on his birthday too. That is their choice and I don't interfere, just as DH doesn't when they send it to me.

Him wanting to play his games on his birthday wouldn't have bothered me, I don't think. After all, you can't currently nip down to the pub or out for a meal so why not?
Could it be lockdown blues? Things really have been very flat for a long time now, with still a way to go yet. Or are you just not as compatible as you thought?

Palatka Sat 28-Nov-20 02:50:32

i think you need too back off OP. It seems you have an idea of what should happen and expect him to go along with your ideas of a good time.

It does sound as if you might be incompatible.

BadLad Sat 28-Nov-20 02:51:33

There's absolutely no point thinking about who's to blame for what. The two of you are completely unsuited to each other.

If a relationship is great, and you make an excellent team, and you have a load of fun together and bring out the best in each other, then getting married can (but not always) make it even better.

If you're completely different people, with different priorities and polar opposite ideas about how to have fun, and find each other dull, are forever arguing and basically getting on each other's tits, then marriage will probably make it worse.

Are you even slightly excited about marrying him? If it's been five years of waiting so far, with no end in sight, then I suspect at least one of you isn't bothered.

You're just very different people. I can't see it getting better. Even if he wins the lottery, hell probably just want to play games on a better pc in a bigger house.

Kissthepastrychef Sat 28-Nov-20 02:52:47

Well on the plus side OP, if you decide to stay then you won't need to have any children as it appears you already have a teenage son

LittleBlueToday Sat 28-Nov-20 02:54:04

I think this relationship has run its course. You want more from life. This man cannot give you what you need. Time to call it a day, spend some time on your own and then in time the right guy will come into your life.

Life is too short, and you're still young enough to meet someone new.

popsydoodle4444 Sat 28-Nov-20 02:58:35

@Emrae

Who does the shopping,cooking,cleaning,laundry?

Who takes responsibility for the bills eg checking them and making sure they are paid?

Who does gardening,DIY,decorating etc?

Who organises cards/presents for friends and family birthdays/Christmas?

Does he make an effort on your birthday/anniversary/Christmas/valentines for you?

I'm interested to see if he's bringing anything else to the table here.

amber763 Sat 28-Nov-20 03:06:40

I feel like his birthday was about you. Going for a walk where you wanted to go, underwear for you, you telling him what to do with his gift from his mum and the zoom call was surely almost over after 2 hours?!

VetiverAndLavender Sat 28-Nov-20 03:24:14

I think you should seriously ask yourself if what you're getting out of the relationship is enough to keep you satisfied for the rest of your life. Is there any realistic reason to believe that it will improve? If not, I'd stop thinking about the perpetually delayed marriage and start considering what you want, instead. Maybe it's time to move on from him.

KiposWonderbeasts Sat 28-Nov-20 03:40:08

It was his birthday.

You made it all about you. You even told him what to do with his birthday money from his mum and didn’t want him to game with his mates after spending all day with you.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 Sat 28-Nov-20 03:45:09

What on earth are you doing with him?

eaglejulesk Sat 28-Nov-20 03:48:07

You sound as though you have completely different expectations of life, and maybe that is what you should be focusing on, rather than what happened on his birthday.

Regarding the birthday, it is his birthday and if he wanted to spend the entire day sleeping, then that is what you should have let him do! You do sound a bit controlling. Regarding the money, well his DM sent it to him, for his birthday, surely it is up to him what he does with it?

Blueuggboots Sat 28-Nov-20 03:49:26

Why are you still with him? You sound like you both have utterly different expectations from life.
Dump and move on!

Mintjulia Sat 28-Nov-20 03:58:28

He's happy in a minimum wage job, you are studying and earning more than him just part time
He wants local park, you want beach or mountains
You're a saver & planner, he accepts money from his mum's pension
You want married life and (I imagine) a family, he wants to play Minecraft with his mates.

Leave, for goodness sake. Stop wasting your time and go find someone who wants you rather than a replacement mother!

Wiredforsound Sat 28-Nov-20 04:08:05

You’ve made his birthday all about you, doing things you wanted to do rather than the things he wanted to do. That said, he sounds as boring as hell and a bit useless and self absorbed, and as you clearly both want different things out of life you’d be better off out of it.

Catsup Sat 28-Nov-20 04:09:18

Out if all of that the main thing that struck me was 'without him I'd be so lost'. No, no you would not. If the relationship is no longer working for you (which it clearly isn't) then it's time to end it. You will be just fine, as will he and you can both move forward towards what will hopefully make both of you happier separately. There's zero point in wishing anyone else will ever change because they never will unless they want to.

MollyBloomYes Sat 28-Nov-20 04:13:09

Ive been single for five years now. I have never felt more lonely than in the last two months of my marriage, when I was living with my husband, had a toddler and was pregnant. He'd checked out already. It was hell. I never want to feel like that again and am so much happier now alone (even though at the time I couldn't imagine not being with him)
You're already feeling lonely and you're not even married yet. I think it's time to call it OP.

wavecatcher Sat 28-Nov-20 04:15:15

T

RAOK Sat 28-Nov-20 04:15:59

You are not compatible and you each need to be with someone to whom you are better suited.

wavecatcher Sat 28-Nov-20 04:20:20

To be honest you sound such hard work and you've mad his birthday all about you. He should be able to go to a park of his choice on his birthday. It's up to him how he spends his birthday gift, I would be so annoyed the second I received birthday money your trying to dictate how it's spent. It's his birthday if he wants to play games with friends he should. As for the underwear, you said he has been weird about it in the past so why awkwardly spring on him again. You buying yourself some new pants obviously isn't a treat for him. You don't sound comparable at all maybe your better suited to someone that earns more money as that seems important to you and is more career driven.

GeorgiaGirl52 Sat 28-Nov-20 04:28:09

Mintjulia

He's happy in a minimum wage job, you are studying and earning more than him just part time
He wants local park, you want beach or mountains
You're a saver & planner, he accepts money from his mum's pension
You want married life and (I imagine) a family, he wants to play Minecraft with his mates.

Leave, for goodness sake. Stop wasting your time and go find someone who wants you rather than a replacement mother!

THIS^

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