Mum refusing to care for dad after surgery

[Ginnymweasley]

My dad recently got diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is going to have surgery followed by radiotherapy sometime in the next 5 weeks (hopefully). We were discussing what would happen when he leaves hospital after the surgery. The dr has told him he will have a catheter for a couple of weeks and will probably feel tired and in pain as well (obviously). He is fairly fit but he has epilepsy as well and obviously no one knows how fast he will recover from surgery.
My mum has now said that she won't be bringing him food upstairs as she won't be able to manage. She won't be helping him out with his catheter or anything. My parents are only in their 60s so not old. And she is quite capable of carrying him a plate of food upstairs. She has said she won't be able to look after the cats, do the shopping etc.
I'm really angry with her cause now my dad is more stressed. Everyday he makes her breakfast in bed, makes all her drinks and cooks 5 days out of 7. He looks after their pets, is in charge of all the finances and does a lot of the household jobs. And she is refusing to do it for a week after he has cancer surgery.
I would offer to go help but I live 300 miles away and would have to arrange childcare etc. I will do it if it's possible but it might not be if we get short notice for the surgery.
Is there anyone that could help provide general help for him in regards to food etc. I just don't know how to help him.

[Saz12]

Ready meal delivery service such as “ Wiltshire farm foods”, ‘‘tis of soup etc, al things that your mum should easily manage.
Paid carer in 3x per day (could also make / heat meals for him).
Cats go into cattery for a week or so.

[june2007]

DDoes you mum genuinly have medical needs herself? May be worth looking at AGE UK? 9not thta 60,s is old.) Are they part of a community such as a church who they could reach out to. The Church community helped me over time and through them I have provided meals for others.(insert own religion if not church.)

[Sexnotgender]

That’s very poor of her!

Is there a backstory?

[Bagelsandbrie]

If she really refuses to do it then the hospital will have to arrange him to be discharged with carers and she will have to refuse to have him home unless this is arranged. Generally hospitals can liaise with councils to provide one off care packages of a few weeks / a few visits a day - this is what they did in my mums case (bowel cancer and copd) although she lived alone and it was clear she wasn’t going to manage and I couldn’t step up as I am disabled myself and have a disabled child too.

Longer term he can be assessed for continuing healthcare and a budget can be agreed if necessary and carers can be funded via this (again this is what happened with my own mum). You can google NHS continuing healthcare.

It does seem strange your mum doesn’t want to try and help though or feels she can’t.

[Ginnymweasley]

My mum has zero medical needs. She had her knee replaced 3 years ago but other than that is fine. She just doesn't like cooking or really doing anything at all.
I will have a look at local catteries for them. The main issue is that my dad has been told not to climb lots of steps but my parents house is full of steps hence needing my mum to bring him his meals.
My dad is part of some local groups so I will suggest he asks around as I'm sure there will be local community support of some kind. I think he is too embarrassed to ask for help.

[ApolloandDaphne]

Has your DM got medical issues of her own? I imagine, from having a look at expectations of post surgery care, that he won't be too incapacitated and will possibly be able to get up and come downstairs each day which might help?

[Myneighboursnorlax]

Have a look at the section “Help after you come home from hospital” here www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/care-services-equipment-and-care-homes/care-and-support-you-can-get-for-free/ and see if this is something the hospital can arrange?

[Bagelsandbrie]

Could your Dad be moved downstairs? Bring bed down etc?

[20shadesofgreen]

We had this issue with MIL we all work full time so she needed to go onto a respite facility. Tbh it was a sign of what was to come from FIL so it might be no harm having so idea of local fare options for when the time arrives. Some people are not able to care for others in that way, that is just their way.

[ApolloandDaphne]

I would doubt a care package would be offered if he has a perfectly capable wife at home who could help him and seems to be choosing not to.

[20shadesofgreen]

*care options

[Ginnymweasley]

The backstory is my mum is generally not very nice. She doesn't like caring for people, especially family members. She has always had everything doen for her, first by her dad and now by my dad. When things don't go her way she acts like a toddler that has been refused a biscuit. She won't talk to me atm as I answered her back when she complained my dads diagnosis was going to ruin christmas.

[WhatKatyDidNxt]

@ApolloandDaphne err exactly! If your mum doesn’t want to do it then maybe they need to pay for careers. Even COVID restrictions aside why get involved in doing something your mum can’t be bothered doing. I assume she doesn’t work and you do?

[20shadesofgreen]

Apolllo although we aren’t UK, it was enough that FIL made absolutely explicitly clear he was not going to provide the level of care required to set a care plan in motion.

[WhatKatyDidNxt]

Careers = carers

[Ginnymweasley]

He should be fine after the initial week according to his dr it's just those first few days. He has offered to be downstairs but she has just said she can't be expected to wait on him. I worry about him doing to much, harming himself or having a seizure and her not helping.

[MrsTwitcher]

Poor man. If she refuses to help then the hospital social worker and discharge co ordinator need to be told. Maybe they can arrange carers to come in or for him and the district nurses to monitor his catheter and pain control. They could move his bed downstairs but he will still need to rest and mum needs to start helping around the house. Why doesnt she do anything.

[thesandwich]

A local care agency could step in for a few weeks but it will cost- have a look at the county council website and contacts for adult social services who can point you in the direction.
Their local contacts may be able to recommend agencies or their gp surgery may.

[pastandpresent]

I would go with the option of your dad staying downstairs if possible. Your mum may not be very nice, but he enabled her to act the way she is for years, don't know if anyone can change the way she is unless she choose herself to.

[waitrosetrollydolly]

If this were me I'd probably take time off and so to look after Dad and to absolutely nothing to help Mum. She needs a wake up call. What an embarrassment for him to have such an uncaring wife.

[TonMoulin]

In that case, he needs to organise hmself as if he was living on hos own (Carers can look after him and she will have to cook for herself).
I would also highlight that with the consultant/hospital.

Not quite the same, but after my MIL had heart surgery, she couldnt rely on FIL to bring food upstairs etc... because he had major mobility issue (think needing walking stck to move around so no way he could have carried a tray upstairs). They were careful to involve a physio, and have something in place (incl SS) before she left the hospital.

[Ginnymweasley]

My mum hasn't worked since I was 15 and I'm now 30. She has been like this as long as I can remember tbh. My dad has always pretty much done everything. She just does her hobbies and that's about it. Me and my sisters have all given up dealing with her. Before anyone mentions my sisters helping, 1 sister lives abroad and the other has a disabled child so can't help out. I have a friend who's family run a care business so I'm going to contact her for some help.

[Ginnymweasley]

I agree he has enabled her but I can't do anything about that and obviously it doesn't change the fact that now he needs help himself.

[BlueThistles]

Phone Social Services and ask for assistance OP. I do hope your poor Dad gets help and care.

Your Mother has shown everyone who she is... vile and selfish..

Goo d luck with the care of your Dad OP..

[Sexnotgender]

They’ll need to pay for carers if your mum won’t do it.

It shouldn’t be for too long, just to get over the first week or so.