Mother thinks "boys will be boys"

[Squidpinky]

My youngest started school in September and I have 2 older girls.

My youngest has become very friendly with another boy who is very loud, very boisterous, what I would call disrespectful to his parents and has gotten into trouble a few times already.

The teacher has advised me at parents evening that my son and this boy have been "playfighting" alot at school which i kind of knew as my son has come home with injuries. I have spoken to his mum who i am friendly with and her response is always "boys will be boys"

After an incident where my son had marks around his neck I contact the school to notify them of these marks and was told that they roughness was getting out of hand and she has had to speak to them on several occasions. I sat my son down and asked him what was going on and he told me that there are two other boys he likes to play with but this "rough" boy doesn't like him having any other friends. He told me that the only thing this boy ever wants to play is fighting and that if he goes off to play with someone else then this boy tells the teacher on him.

I had the boy round to my house for a playdate before lockdown and found him to be quite spiteful in that he would push my son and my son would push him back but then he would come and tell me that my son had hit him and hurt him. My son says this happens at school all the time.

I have spoken with the mother about this and her response is "they are both as bad as one another" and "its a boy thing"

My son never play fights at home with me or his sisters or his dad and I have spoken to the other two mums of the two boys he likes and they say that my son isn't rough with their boys at all. School say they will keep an eye on it but I'm worried now that this is going to become a problem as they go through school.

Has anyone had any experience of this? He is my first boy and I didn't have this issue with the girls (only bitchiness but never physical)

[GalOopNorth]

I have three boys. None of them fight.

Not a normal thing for boys. I would try to suggest steering clear of this boy who loves fighting.

[Sexnotgender]

No, boys will be boys is just a lazy ass bullshit excuse not to parent her son properly.

I’d speak to the school.

[Squidpinky]

I'm glad to hear this.

She has made comments to me before about how surprised she was that my husband and my son don't engage in play fighting as it is a normal way to express dominance.

I just fear that either my son will get hurt or he will be dragged down this road of getting into trouble all the time

[Santaisironingwrappingpaper]

There are times being a helicopter dm is necessary.. This is one. Under your supervision the entire play date.. Call him out on every single bit of unacceptable behavior.. Very easy strategy to weedle out dc you would rather your dc didn't hang out with.
Ime of many dc!!
The dc will quickly realise he can't manipulate your dc their way and back away from the friendship. As you have discovered informing the dm is futile.

[user1915482548253840]

Why are you calling it play fighting?

They're fighting and causing injuries.

If they were lion cubs then, sure, call it play fighting, but they're humans.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

You need to change direction and get DS to play with other children, when possible forge the positive friendships, play dates, park meetups and show DS what a healthy relationship looks like and boys can play without fighting.

[Lumene]

She has made comments to me before about how surprised she was that my husband and my son don't engage in play fighting as it is a normal way to express dominance.

Express dominance? What a weird thing for her to say. He’s a child not a husky ffs.

[Santaisironingwrappingpaper]

I don't even play fight with my Husky!!

[Squidpinky]

I call it play fighting as thats what his mother and the school refer to it as. I don't think for 1 min that there is any element of play from the boys point of view

[helpfulperson]

I think play fighting is a thing and good for children but the second someone gets hurt or marked it is no longer play fighting and should be stopped.

[Alexandernevermind]

I think this friendship wants knocking on he head. My DS has never been a fighter either, play or otherwise. Some siblings (including mine) play fight but it would never be encouraging amongst friends.

[StandWithYou]

@BluebellsGreenbells

You need to change direction and get DS to play with other children, when possible forge the positive friendships, play dates, park meetups and show DS what a healthy relationship looks like and boys can play without fighting.

Agree with this completely - encourage friendships with the other boys and inform the school that your DS wants to play with them but the ‘rough play’ boy is stopping him for doing so. Try to give your boy techniques in saying no, I want to play with X doing this but you can join in if you want.

I have 2 sons and they play fight with each other, one is 10 and the other is 14 (twice the size of the other). It is not about dominance it’s about learning to control yourself physically. They have fun but don’t hurt each other e.g. older one picks the younger up but puts him down carefully. It’s something fun for them and it teaches them to control their strength.

[StandWithYou]

I don’t ‘play fighting’ I play dates - too much scope for it to go wrong.

[StandWithYou]

God what happened there - should be don’t allow play fighting on play dates

[BluebellsGreenbells]

I have spoken with the mother about this and her response is "they are both as bad as one another" and "its a boy thing"

To be fair to the mother, she only knows this side of your son and would assume he’s similar.

You need to negotiate his friendships at this age. You’re in charge op - your child - you chose his friends.

[Happymum12345]

Step into any playground of infants at school and you will see boys play fighting. Teachers obviously stop it when they get out of control but playing ninjas etc, is what they do. Encourage other friendships and make it very clear that it’s not acceptable to put hands around their necks.

[Walkacrossthesand]

In your OP you say, 'if he goes off to play with someone else then this boy tells the teacher on him.'. What is there to 'tell the teacher' about, and what does he say the teacher says when 'told'?

Would it be worth a word with school, to describe your concerns and your child's wish to play with children other than the fighter, and ask for them to support your child?

Or is it possible that the fighter says 'I'm telling teacher of you' and your son is frightened into toeing the line, without any teacher being told anything at all?!

[Flowerpot345]

I had a friend like this her two boys were an absolute nightmare, she would never address it saw it as normal, which it isn't.
I always remember walking home with them and both boys started fighting, it was horrific I have never seen two siblings fight like it, both were primary school aged and really trying to hurt each other.
I couldn't be friends with her anymore one of her son's was worse than the other son and was constantly hurting my child and I got sick of the excuses.

We moved school in the end.

'boys will be boys' equates to I don't parent my child.

[lazylump72]

messaged you OP

[PucePanther]

The only solution is to keep your child away from the boy who is violent. No more play dates with this boy. Keep your son away from him. Tell him he’s not allowed to play with this boy at school either. Inform the school that you want the boys kept apart. And tell the school that play fighting is not permitted for your child and you expect it to be stopped immediately.

[Fizbosshoes]

When my DS was a similar age he started being aggressive and sometimes fighting and hurting DD, mainly at weekends. We made it clear it was not acceptable behaviour and then enrolled him for some (non contact) sports lessons and made sure he had loads of exercise which seemed to help. He has never fought at school, but quite sporty.
If you are in contact with the teacher I would maybe say you're encouraging friendships with xyz (the children who dont engage in rough play) because you notice his behaviour is improved in their company and he seems happier with it?

[Soubriquet]

I have a dd and a ds.

My dd loves play fighting. My ds hates it.

So no boys will not be boys. Her ds is out of control and she’s condoning the behaviour

[Velvian]

I have 2 boys and never had this problem. I think you need to help your son to move away from this 'friendship'. I would also advise him to walk away from the boy every time he starts to become antagonistic. Encourage your DS not to push/hit back, as it makes the situation more ambiguous. Instead he should tell an adult straight away.

[Longtalljosie]

Go and see the teacher and make sure you get that quote from the other mother in about play fighting. With injuries to the neck this is a safeguarding issue

[Prettybubblesintheair]

I have two boys and two girls (boys are 9 and 12, girls are 11 and 16) and my boys and youngest girl do play fight each other at home but none of them have ever gotten into fights (play or otherwise) at school and I have been shocked if my reception aged child was getting into fights! I’d definitely keep an eye on it and anything else I’d be straight onto the school to ask them to monitor things better. Most days at home I feel like a WWE referee but they’d never fight at school.