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Am I too kind?(5 Posts)
I’ve NC as don’t want this linked to other posts. Usually use a consistent username.
I came off the phone from a friend at lunchtime who had spent twenty minutes moaning to me that her neighbour, who lives alone, was unwell and had asked her if she could pick up some milk and bread from the shops if she was out. My friend was annoyed to have even been asked (they text mostly about any house stuff that comes up or post issues etc, they’re not actual friends).
I found this very odd. If my neighbour asked this, I would actually go out of my way to pick this stuff up for them, even if I wasn’t needing to go out myself. And all this is irrespective of covid by the way, my friend isn’t shielding and is always nipping out.
It got me thinking that there’s other things that colleagues and friends complain about or simply would consider a huge act of kindness, that I would not. Another example is a friend who always tells me about her childhood friend who, over covid, has asked for a weekly phone call as she’s not coping well. My friend does it but resents it. I have a similar friend and I make time for her because she needs it. I wouldn’t necessarily drop everything that second - that may not even be feasible - but I would certainly go out of my way to fit in the call by staying up a bit later or skipping watching my favourite tv show during my spare time etc.
I’ve noticed I tend to go out of my way to do nice things that I’m not sure others do. A colleague said they had left their book on the train and so I picked up a new one for them the following day (last year, not in covid times!). I’ve looked after a neighbours house in the past, we are not good friends just do the whole holiday check in when the other is away, and last time I popped some things in her fridge like milk etc and left flowers on the table when she got back. I mentioned this to a friend (I was on the phone to her as I was arranging the flowers) and she thought it was lovely but also said it was a complete hassle for me and she ‘couldn’t believe’ I’d bothered. It was such a small thing to me!
I’ve notified my family would never do these things for others (they would for me probably as part of their family, but not for friends/others). They’d see these things as huge acts of kindness. I see them as small and easy things that you’d do because you can.
I’ve started thinking that maybe people think I’m a bit crazy.
Worried this post is going to come across as ‘ohhhh tell me how amazing I am.’ It’s really NOT that, I can be cold and uncaring a lot of the time I just wonder if I am unusual or are the people I know maybe just not this way inclined? I don’t think I’m a pushover or seeking validation in doing these things, my thought process when I do these things are that ‘oh that would be nice to do that.’ And that’s it, so I do it.
A friend needed a lift from an airport in January so I made arrangements to fit it in with work and at home. I just think when you can help out it’s nice to. My parents in comparison would never have done this for someone unless they were very very close to them.
Obviously I’m not like this 24/7! But these things are not big gestures of kindness to me really.
Just interested if others are like this I guess or if I’m an oddball with some strange psychology thing going on!!
*noticed not notified!
That ended up to be a bit of a ramble
Its a bit of a how long is a piece of string question.
How is kindness measured? Can someone be too kind?
Your actions are driven by your own compass and you have your own reasons for doing those things just like everyone else.
Are you too kind? if the things you are doing don't cause you any issues then no, you're not too kind.
Not sure why crazy and weird psychology comes into it unless you've got issues with people pleasing to give you a sense of self worth
I'd most certainly do the bread and milk, and more.
My partner and I immediately volunteered for jobs to help last lockdown. Some friends were saying, I'm not doing it, I don't even want to go to work! That didn't sit well with me at all.
However I wouldn't do the airport trip and I'd be embarrassed if someone offered it to me.
But you do as you see fit. X
I would always be willing to do such things for friends and neighbours (and have done many times). I always offer especially in difficult times. The offers are reciprocated by neighbours (where they are able). For example, we put bins in and out if someone is away (that seems like the dim and distant past now!), have walked dogs if neighbour is out all day (as the occasional one off - not daily due to work), fetched shopping if needed. In fact one of my older neighbours was going to move to be near her son but changed her mind and stayed as she knows that the neighbours will always help out if she needs it. As soon as the 1st lockdown happened I gave all my contact details to our new neighbours in case they had to isolate and needed anything. They did the same for us. It's what being neighbourly means.
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