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Experimented and turns out nobody gives a shit!

(163 Posts)
Freshon Wed 18-Nov-20 11:58:45

So this is sort of in jest. Sort of.

Over lockdown I’ve really questioned some of my ‘friendships.’ I think many people have. I’m lucky that I appear to have one who is still very much there for me and two distant friends who are consistently there but at a distance - fine we know where we stand. But basically...

After two people on two consecutive days cancelled on me without even messaging before I had messaged to ask what was going on, I decided to delete all my friend contacts.

I’ve literally heard from two people from my so called ‘friends’ category of contacts in the last week. One being my closest friend and the other being a distant friend with general distant checking in. The rest ive not heard from and usually it would be back and forth a couple of days a week, maybe a phone call. It’s obviously been me driving this and I feel embarrassed. I’ve sent these friends cards over lockdown, even the odd small gift as a cheer up style thing, I’ve messaged to say hope you’re ok and I miss you, now and then. I’m not a needy friend either, Im very aware of boundaries and wouldn’t push for contact from someone unless they responded. But these interactions have only been there because I’ve instigated haven’t they?

I feel shit about it and fed up. Anyone else found this? Just wanted to rant really.

OP’s posts: |
GrandUnion Wed 18-Nov-20 12:01:20

After two people on two consecutive days cancelled on me without even messaging before I had messaged to ask what was going on, I decided to delete all my friend contacts.

I think that's an insane overreaction. So two individuals cancelled on you, so you've entirely given up on the category of friendship?

SandysMam Wed 18-Nov-20 12:03:14

This year has been massively hard on people in varying ways and to varying extremes. Some people don’t have the mental energy to maintain friendships. I wouldn’t be too hard on people, they might just be focusing on keeping it together at the moment.

CommunistLegoBloc Wed 18-Nov-20 12:03:18

I think it's really really weird and quite manipulative to do what you've done.

WisestIsShe Wed 18-Nov-20 12:05:36

I only have two friends. Two great, fun, can rely on them in a crisis, friends. That's plenty for me.
I have a few acquaintances but I'm not super social.
If I were you I'd take the energy you used to use maintaining those friendships and spend it on maintaining you. You've just acquired a few hours every week to spend on something you enjoy, reading, walking, baking, craft, whatever. That's more rewarding.

FlingingFlangingHardToOpen Wed 18-Nov-20 12:06:20

I think it’s a little unfair to test your friends without telling them and to come to that conclusion after just a week. You should definitely talk to them about your feelings.

They may just be thinking you’re busy as you haven’t been in touch, or they may be having busy weeks themselves.

Very lovely that two of your friends have checked in on you!

InDubiousBattle Wed 18-Nov-20 12:08:58

Sorry op but it's not totally clear what the issue is! So you had two friends cancel plans with you, so you deleted all of your mates contact details. In the next week two of them got in touch with you. Is that right? Two out of how many?
It's only been a week and to be honest I think we should cut people some slack wrt cancelling plans right now?

Bluntness100 Wed 18-Nov-20 12:09:58

Gosh this is proper drama llama stuff and has spectacularly back fired as now you feel even worse. Deleting all your friends as some form of test is quite odd.

SpamIAm Wed 18-Nov-20 12:10:16

That's a pretty dramatic reaction.

Perhaps the high level of communication was driven by you but that doesn't mean they don't care. I have a friend a speak to most days, one I speak to every week or two and one less often than that - I don't care about any of them any more or less than the others, but life gets in the way and there are only so many hours in a day.

HotSince63 Wed 18-Nov-20 12:10:23

In most friendships I've found there is usually one person who instigates and generates contact and meet-ups more than the other.

And in some friendships there are people who put in 100 percent of the effort towards contact and meet ups and all those little cards and gifts and checking in texts on special occasions or when they know something is wrong... and the friendship wouldn't exist if they didn't.

Lots of people have used lockdown to reflect on which one they are in the friendship, and is what they get out of the friendship worth the effort they put in.

I've done it myself and I'm taking WisestIsShe excellent advice to take all that wasted energy and put it towards maintaining friendships that I enjoy and I plan to spend more time (after lockdown) doing things I want to try.

Tararararara Wed 18-Nov-20 12:14:26

Glad I'm not your friend, you sound really hard work.

My best friend in the whole world and I don't talk for months at a time but she knows I would drop everything for her in a heartbeat if she needed me and her for me.

Other friends I'm in daily contact with, school pick ups and drop offs, texts about the homework or the school play, it's just where we are in our lives. Most other friends are somewhere in between but there is no set pattern.

You need to chill.

Someonesayroadtrip Wed 18-Nov-20 12:22:09

Honestly? You sound hard work and self centred.

I have a lovely group of friends, most of us have had a crap years like everyone else. We all deal with that differently. For the most part we haven't bothered as much, quite a few of us have no had any contact other than the occasional message or phone call.

However, we all know if we needed something we could turn to each other and they would be there. Friendship is about having someone who cares, not necessarily going out for meals etc. I know once we are all a bit more robust and Covid is under control our normal meals out, coffees and nights out will resume, right now though we check in occasionally and feel guilty for not being in contact more (because we miss each other) but because we are actual friends, we appreciate each other's own situations and understand and care about the fact we are all just trying to get through things as best as we can.

CorianderLord Wed 18-Nov-20 12:22:56

I mean this whole approach has popped up a lot lately and I think it's just self obsessed. Not everyone is in a good place, people are busy, people have sick relatives, people don't constantly text.

If you want to talk to someone then talk to them. Stop testing your friendships like a nutter.

Freshon Wed 18-Nov-20 12:27:00

Ok fully been brought back down the earth! I definitely felt the two letting me down an hour before meeting was shitty but yes doing this little experiment probably wasn’t the most mature ...

OP’s posts: |
CorianderLord Wed 18-Nov-20 12:29:37

Yes the flaking was incredibly rude and you have a right to be mad at those people

compulsiveliar2019 Wed 18-Nov-20 12:30:37

I hear you Op. over the years I have let friendships go where I was the only person putting any effort into the friendship. For example one of my former closest friends has made every excuse not to meet up since covid began. Not even outside. After the last rejected offer of meeting up I decided I just want going to initiate any further contact. We usually spoke 2-3 times a week on the phone but it was always me who called and it was alway her and her kids we talked about. That was July and I haven't heard from her since. It's sad but I'm not chasing friendships that just are not mutual. I don't think that's needy or selfish it's just having some self respect!

ProfessorInkling Wed 18-Nov-20 12:33:01

You deleted all your friends numbers? Wow. That's quite interesting actually, my phone is full of contacts I have spoken to in years.

A week isn't a very long time though. And what if one of them did the same? (as I might now have a massive clear out!!)

Someonesayroadtrip Wed 18-Nov-20 12:33:33

I think peoples anxieties are high. Chances are they wanted to until that last possible minute they realised they couldn't.

I have a couple of friends that struggle like that.

Freshon Wed 18-Nov-20 12:33:55

Have to say @Bluntness100 that I don’t feel worse than before. Prefer to know!

OP’s posts: |
GrandUnion Wed 18-Nov-20 12:34:36

compulsiveliar2019

I hear you Op. over the years I have let friendships go where I was the only person putting any effort into the friendship. For example one of my former closest friends has made every excuse not to meet up since covid began. Not even outside. After the last rejected offer of meeting up I decided I just want going to initiate any further contact. We usually spoke 2-3 times a week on the phone but it was always me who called and it was alway her and her kids we talked about. That was July and I haven't heard from her since. It's sad but I'm not chasing friendships that just are not mutual. I don't think that's needy or selfish it's just having some self respect!

And you don't think that this friend, whom you presumably care for and value, might be having her own problems during a time when many people are struggling, and have just withdrawn from friendships for a while for her own reasons?

Wyntersdiary Wed 18-Nov-20 12:35:31

Sorry but everyone has things going on at the moment. A bit unfair to just Ditch without even trying to work out the reasons. I've had to cancel a few things and they have had to cancel with me.

Especially at the moment things are even tougher.

You need to actually talk to your friends maybe share how your feeling and see how its taken.

shouldbedoinglaundry Wed 18-Nov-20 12:36:37

This time has been so different from normal and people have dealt with it in all different ways. Who knows what is going on with them that you don't know about? I think some more patience is needed as people are trying to cope with something huge that has never happened before.

ShalomToYouJackie Wed 18-Nov-20 12:37:21

I think this is a big overreaction. You've only left it a week!

Two people cancelling last minute is shitty yes but I don't think that warrants deleting their number and saying they're not your friends anymore

GrandUnion Wed 18-Nov-20 12:38:01

Freshon

Have to say @Bluntness100 that I don’t feel worse than before. Prefer to know!

But OP, you presumably kept up that level of contact because it suited you and your needs for social interaction -- your friends may prefer a different kind of rhythm, or less regular contact, without any negative intent or devaluing of the friendship? Or they're simply used to you initiating?

I know I have friends who would like to be in contact more regularly than suits me, for instance, and I tend not to be the initiator of contact.

Runningoutofnamestochange Wed 18-Nov-20 12:38:27

I’ve literally heard from two people from my so called ‘friends’ category of contacts in the last week

A week is no time at all though. 2 people cancelling is disappointing but cutting everyone off because they haven’t contacted you in a week is extreme.

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