Issues in Reception - awkward!

[secretreader]

Hello,

Would appreciate some thoughts, my eldest has just started reception. She has settled in nicely, which came as a surprised as she has high functioning ASD and found her nursery a massive struggle.

As I say she's doing well and we're all surprised (and happy!). The only problem is this one child, who we know from nursery and living locally. This child has been hitting, grabbing and generally being very rough with my child and others. There are other behavioural issues generally, she is finding it hard adapting to school.

I know his because as I say I know the mum going back a few years now and we speak at the gate. She's lovely, really kind and friendly but she has always been very 'gentle' on the discipline front even going back to when the children were toddlers. You know, one of the 'you can't say no to children', and no telling off when her child shoves another off the slide just a quiet 'gentle hands please!' sorts. Always figured not my circus, not my monkeys and kept my nose out.

However now this child is upsetting mine, and others. I've mentioned it, politely and reasonably, to the teacher who is already aware and says she is dealing with it. I thought it best to raise with the school not the mum.

The awkward part is 1) the mum keeps complaining to me about the school saying that they're picking on her child, have labelled her as naughty, etc etc etc and that she's very upset with how the school are dealing with her child and also 2) she keeps wanting to do park play dates and my child flatly refuses to go near this other child out of choice. She says she's mean.

I'm just smiling and nodding at the moment but I'm finding it really hard to hold my tongue.

Should I just keep quiet?

[RandomMess]

Yes keep quiet. If she keeps complaining about then school you can suggest she looks at moving her DD to a different one

About the play dates you can say "DD doesn't want to at the moment"

[HavelockVetinari]

Just smile and nod about the complaining. With regards to the playdate offers though, I'd be honest and say that you don't think it's a good idea at the moment as the kids haven't been getting along very well lately - maybe try again in a few months when they've settled down a bit. It's polite and truthful.

[MrsxRocky]

I would have thought considering your daughters condition you would be the most understanding person in world of children not behaving as per norm....

[secretreader]

@MrsxRocky I absolutely do. Regardless of any additional needs it's not ok for children at school to be getting constantly walloped. If it were my child doing it, even with her SEN I wouldn't think it was ok either!

[Spudina]

I had this exact same situation last year. DD2 was physically hurt a few times by her friend. Some of it was very worrying. I spoke to the school, who had the parents of the other child in. She then asked my what I had witnessed and I told her the truth. We are still friendly. Not approaching the other Mum is the right call. But I would speak to the school officially about their failure to safeguard your child and ask how they intend to rectify it in the first instance. Not sitting them together, encouraging other friendship groups is a good start. I tried to teach DD to be assertive with varying success. About the play date I would just be honest. Your child doesn’t want to. Just say that, if pressed tell the truth. If it was me I would want to know.

[TheStripes]

Keep quiet. Say you can’t do park dates because of covid and either that your child isn’t up for them or be more specific and say you don’t think they are particularly friendly.

DD1 did very few park dates in YR because she was so shattered from school anyway.

[tigger001]

I would probably have to say to her that your DD has mentioned that her DD can be a bit unkind. But then I'm not very good at the smile and nod thing, and even worse at it if it involves my child being hit.

I may have to try and change my ways ready for reception/school for my son but I struggle to, and I know if it were my son I would feel so stupid going on about the school to someone ,to learn that, that person was the one complaining. I would prefer an open conversation about it.

[secretreader]

Thanks all. I agree that swerving the play dates isn't actually that difficult. 1) Covid and 2) DD is genuinely exhausted after school each day anyway but if pressed I will say they haven't been getting on.

I will be keeping in touch with the school, I've built a good relationship with them. We've been in touch for ages (before DD started) sorting out her ECHP and she had an enhanced transition so they know me quite well already and (I hope) know that I don't make a fuss about nothing.

@tigger001 I do find it hard to keep it zipped and not react negatively it's something that I have to work on. To be completely honest my instinct it to say 'for goodness sake, hit her back, hard, she won't do it twice!' like my mother once told me (many years ago) but of course I wouldn't because that is not appropriate behaviour and I don't want DD to hit or think that it's ok to do that although she was right. But I agree I would feel a fool to be complaining to someone only to find out that it was that person so perhaps next time I will gently mention that DD has been upset by some roughness.

[secretreader]

Oh dear.

Did drop off this morning. Said child and her mother were lining up at the gate, instead of standing with them (SD but near to chat) DD pulled my hand and quietly said she'd like to stand with me waiting because child is mean - this is following another incident yesterday where DD was scratched and hit. So we didn't make a fuss and stood further down chatting amongst ourselves.

After drop off, child's mother approached me and asked why we hadn't stood with them. I just smiled and said DD wanted to chat with me today. She started chuntering on about the school again and said that school had told her that parents (parents, not parent so I assume it's not just me) have complained and they're picking on her child etc etc and that she'd like for me and DD to 'show our support' by standing with them tomorrow.

I was really nice about it (I hope) but I said that actually the children hadn't really been getting along and that DD was upset after some hitting incidents this week so I felt that it was fair to give them both some space and that if DD was upset by a child hitting them then I wasn't going to force her to stand together when she didn't want to. Mother threw up her hands, said 'for fucks sake!' (no children in earshot!) and huffed off.

Awesome!

[formerbabe]

No don't say anything, you have seven years of primary school runs and it will be hellish if you make an enemy.

[steppemum]

she is upset, because she doesn't want to believe that there is a problem.

But you confirming school is ritgh means she can't blame school any more.

Sadly it is probably the end of your friendship. But you really did the right thing for your dd

[GreyishDays]

Well done for saying what you did and looking out for your child.

I guess she’s one of those who can see no wrong in their child.

[secretreader]

I actually did sorry for her, ordinarily I'd have sent her a text to see if she was ok if I'd seen her like that but as I was the cause, obviously I didn't.

I spoke with the school again yesterday after the scratching and hitting (again!), said I am happy for them to deal with as they see fit however I am concerned that it's becoming a daily occurrence and that I'd like to know how the plan to stop my child being hit all the time.

They've said that they are having a TA keep a close eye on the child and that they are very sorry but sometimes they just don't 'get there quick enough'.

I get that it's hard, but surely this child cannot be allowed to continue to hurt other children all the time.

[MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig]

She’ll need to have a TA one to one with her, to be there when she kicks off. This may be beyond their resources. The next step is probably to sit her on her own so she can’t hurt other children but then she’s obviously being excluded and that’s awful too. Is the school used to dealing with kids with additional needs?

[2bazookas]

why not just tell her the truth?

"Yes, I'm afraid there has been a problem in class with Betsy being rough and hurting other children. In fact, that's exactly why Susie does not want to play in the park".

[lifestooshort123]

2bazookas

OP did and other mum said 'ffs' to her and stomped off

[tigger001]

secretreader you definitely did the right thing by being honest about the situation.

Try not to take her reaction personally, she will be incredibly sad that her child is doing this, possibly embarrassed and frustrated.

I personally would send her a message checking she is ok if I witnessed her upset, just as a nice thing if she is having a tough time, obviously not to get the kids again.

[Cauterize]

So she's into the gentle parenting approach but swears and strops at you?! Sounds lovely. Clearly the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

After her performance I wouldn't give her the time of day any more!