Husband's having another breakdown

[MrsLY]

Hi all, this is my first time on here and I'm absolutely desperate for help and advice please.
10 ish years ago my husband had a breakdown, we had issues outside of our marriage, but the main reason for it was I ended up unable to walk and confined to bed in excruciating pain. I ended up having emergency surgery on my spine.
My darling loving husband couldn't bare seeing me in so much pain and it tipped him over the edge, for over 2 years he shouted and screamed at me, in front of customers, we ran a public house, accused me of having an affair, totally untrue, along with lots of other accusations that he believed to be true, but weren't. We never split up as we lived and worked together in the club. I tried getting him to the Drs but he refused to believe anything was wrong with him, I eventually convinced him to go, told the dr all he was doing and saying, she agreed he was having a breakdown, he sat there and denied it all and said I'd made it up so she couldn't help him.
We left the club, my back got better and he came out of his breakdown back to the most loving caring husband he was before.
Now it's happened again, I became bed bound un a lot of pain, January this year, and with covid, job uncertainty ect ect in April he announced he hadn't loved me for two years and walked out on me.
He refuses to speak to me or see me, we communicate through text message, he accuses me of horrendous things, again that aren't true, but he truly believes they are.
It breaks my heart every day knowing he's going through this, but again he refuses to believe that he's having a breakdown, he's turned into the man I lived with all those years ago, the complete opposite of the man I love and adore.
Like last time he can hold down a job and be perfectly 'normal' to everyone around him, apart from me, all his anger is aimed at me.
I'm absolutely desperate for my husband to get better, but he refuses to see me so I cannot help him this time.
Has anybody else experienced anything like this, any help or advice would be so appreciated.

[Inthesameboatatmo]

OP I'm so sorry.
Yiu need to listen to what I amd other will say to you and I think it will all be unanimous.
You need to leave and leave now .
I've dealt with this first hand for 20 years .
To not put up with this . Just because he feels like that does not give him carte blanche to do this you.
It's an excuse, he needs help undeniably yes . But you are suffering do not suffer anymore your so called lovely husband is gone long gone.
He needs to help himself you will be a long time recovering yourself emotionally mentally from this as well you need therapy also . He is abusive and using g his mental health as cover to do it . Start making plans to leave now he is unstable

[Inthesameboatatmo]

I could have written your post op .
Do not be me . Let him stay where he is , change the locks do not let him back .I have been accused of awful things under the guise of mental heath problems been treated how nobody would treat a dog in the end . Know your worth. Shark mode now

[merryhouse]

This isn't a breakdown. He's fine with everybody else.

He's cross with you because being ill is not part of your job description.

[calamityjam]

My dp had a breakdown 18 months ago. More or less the same symptoms as you described. He took and overdose and when he came around, the doctors saw how he was and he was sectioned for a month. When he came home, he wasn't much better and I decided that we were much happier without him living at home. His hospital stay made me realise that the past 2 years had been a living hell for me. He went to live with his parents until his medication was adjusted properly and he was seeing mental health services weekly. He moved into his own place after lockdown last time. He's loads better now and we get on really well. I couldn't ever go back to living together again and we are both happy parenting separately

[BloggersBlog]

Like last time he can hold down a job and be perfectly 'normal' to everyone around him, apart from me, all his anger is aimed at me

Wow, that is incredibly convenient for him that it can be turned on and off at will. What an unusual "mental health" problem he has. almost as though it is a cover for vile behaviour

As PPs have said so well, you are not his whipping post. You are worth more than this. End it now before he drags you down even further with his nasty behaviour

[allthewaterinthetap]

It is indeed a very interesting mental health issue he has there. While you were ill, did he have to cook, clean, look after children, do without sex? When you are not ill, do you run around him to keep him happy (or else?!)
He sounds like a nasty person who treats you as less than human. I do not think you will be very happy if you stay with him and have to walk on eggshells.

[Embracelife]

Can ypu see how nuts that reads?
You get ill so your dh "has a breakdown" and shouts at you?
Is that the reaction of someone who cares?
No.

Maybe he really is ill but that s his issue to get help for
Taking it out on you is not on.

[Embracelife]

Best thing you csn do is cut him put of your life

[MrsLY]

Thank you for responding, I honestly appreciate all your advice and views. I just wanted to tell you a little more about him.
The last time it happened he lost over a year out of his life during the breakdown that he still cannot remember to this day.
The day before he walked out, I had got out of bed and went up to him to give him a cuddle, he started sobbing his heart out on my shoulder for over 15 minutes because we hadn't been able to have a proper cuddle for such a long time, telling me how much he loved me and missed me, as I was in bed in agony.
I've had chronic pain in my back since my operation and it kills him every day seeing me like this, he really can't cope seeing me in pain, tells me all the time how it hurts and destroys him seeing me like this.
When he's in his right mind, he would rather die than raise his voice at me or call me any names, he's the most loving, caring hard working husband and Dad you'd ever meet, myself and his children are his absolute world.
Please don't think I'm making excuses for him, what he's doing to me is horrendous and devastating to me, but the man he is now is not my husband, we've been together 19 years, married for 15 and I know this man better than he knows himself, he'd rather die than cause me any pain or harm.


I started counselling yesterday which I'm hoping will help as I also lost my Dad 3 years ago that I still haven't got over.
I have 1 friend who has been a tower of strength to me these last 7 months, but have nobody else I can talk to or ask advice from so your help/advice/comments/experiences is exactly what I need right now.

[S00LA]

I’ve never heard of this type of illness - what’s it called? Do women get it as well as men?

What happens if parents get it when their child is seriously ill and in pain? Do they scream and shout abuse at their child in hospital and accuse them of horrible things ? Or move out of the home and refuse to see them ?

[S00LA]

I see you have children - can I ask how old they are ?

What will happen if his illness means that he starts mistreating them ?

[blue25]

You need to wake up OP. Please leave and free yourself from this abusive relationship.

[DPotter]

MrsLY

My heart goes out to you - it really does. Like other posters here I have been where you are - confused, in emotional pain, numb and totally at a loss to know what to do.

My experience is similar to yours in that my DP refused to acknowledge anything was wrong and wouldn't accept any medical / therapeutic help.

The one thing I learnt is that there comes a point where you can do no more. They do not recognise anything is wrong. They will not accept any help. There is only one thing you can do and that is look after yourself and any children you have. As heart breaking as it is, step away. Drop contact, or maybe drop him one last message wishing him well and then radio silence. Accept the relationship is over. It's hard - ask for help yourself - counselling, be kind to yourself so you can re-build yourself. Not try and understand what is happening to him - that takes the energy away that you need to heal yourself, especially as you have a physical condition as well as the heart ache.

If he gets his act together and comes asking to come back - well this is hard to say, but say no. If this has happened twice odds are it will happen again. There is absolutely no point in sacrificing your health for his, none at all. No one will thank you and some will blame you, so again I say from the bottom of my heart - I am so sorry you are where you are. You have done enough now step back. Look after yourself

[katy1213]

That's not my idea of a darling, loving husband.
If it kills him seeing you in pain, then he'll feel a whole lot better when you kick his sorry, whinging ass out of the house.

[Inthesameboatatmo]

@midsly
For God sake op wake up woman .
He probably has an undiagnosed serious mental problem possibly a dark triad personality.
This is not normal . You feel like it is but darling it is NOT.
You need to see a therapist as soon as you can . Start to distance yourself mentally and emotionally from him in the first instance.
He has dragged you down knowing full well what he is doing . I worry for you. Get your shit together on every level and never allow him back

[CorianderLord]

Sounds like you're arguing that his behaviour has nothing to do with him.

OP, this IS him. He is doing this to you. He is choosing this behaviour.

[nocoolnamesleft]

So...whenever you're suffering, he makes damn sure you suffer more? I would agree that you need to get out.

[DPotter]

Apologies for cross posting.
Even with the additional information, my advice stands.

I'm pleased you're having counselling.

You may not feel you're in an abusive relationship - but sadly you are. You cannot change him, you can only change how you react, how you behave, how you think.

In my nursing past, I can across several instances where the DH couldn't cope with the wife's illness. The 21 year old me didn't have a lot of sympathy for those men then and I have less now.

One thing - don't be ashamed to share your story. I decided that as I was suffering from DP's depression it was my story to tell, not something to keep hushed up. I bet if you tell people your DH can't cope with your illness, you'll find others amongst your network of family and friends who have a similar story to tell sadly.

[NumbsMet]

Despite how you may feel about the man he usually is, have you noticed how the words "tells me all the time how it hurts and destroys him seeing me like this." are not conducive to the loving persona you describe? That is one of the most horrible displays of selfishness. YOU are in pain. What was he like when you were in labour?

[StrippedFridge]

I swear at the washing machine when it breaks. Looks like he thinks of you as the washing machine.

[dontwantamirena]

Let me try and understand this. You're in physical and pain and struggling to walk yet he is the one suffering mentally? To the point he lashes out? But only at you?

He's a narcissist. He can't stand that the attention is not all on him. Ditch him.

[Ophelia2020]

Sorry this has happened op. I mean this kindly but you are grasping at straws and some of your statements are plain silly.

He's abusive. He's been abusive to you both times you were ill and I don't believe he was the loving husband you describe in between. You don't believe it either, because if you did surely you would have phoned an ambulance for this out of control man who was having a breakdown? But you didn't.

You sound really codependent. Even now you are worrying about him and trying to rescue him. He does not want rescuing and he's been very clear that things are over. You are abandoning yourself and reality by spinning these stories of his great love.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

he'd rather die than cause me any pain or harm.

Unless he stopped breathing while shouting and swearing at you, that’s simply untrue. If he can manage his behaviour with others, he can manage his behaviour with his wife, who is in chronic pain.

I've had chronic pain in my back since my operation and it kills him every day seeing me like this, he really can't cope seeing me in pain, tells me all the time how it hurts and destroys him seeing me like this.

So you’re in chronic pain, and somehow he’s worse off. More like he can’t cope with his housekeeper breaking down.

He’s abusive, however you want to dress it up or excuse it, he’s abusive. You can continue to live with him or not but he’ll always be abusive. What a waste of you to live like that.

[AlwaysCheddar]

Wow, he’s got you wrapped around his little finger! He’s a selfish prick who doesnt care about you, and you’re delusional to see him as a lovely darling husband. He not ill, he’s abusive

[BombyliusMajor]

I’m afraid I agree that he can’t cope with seeing you on pain because he doesn’t want to be a career. He is frightened for himself and his future. If you look back over your marriage, what was he like when you had a cold or flu? Did he get grumpy with you? Did he develop symptoms of his own that trumped yours?

He may not be able to help it. But in some senses that is worse for you. Do not take him back or rely on him.