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If you're long term SAHM?

(7 Posts)
1stV45 Sun 01-Nov-20 16:49:55

First, what is the correct title for a SAHM who is still SAH once the children are grown up? It's not housewife anymore, I know that!

Anyway, my question is are you "aware" on a daily basis of who earns the money?

I have a friend whose husband is a high earner. They married young then had 4 dc in 4 years before she'd ever really had a job (so she had nothing to go back to).

He's a nice man, she seems to have free reign to spend their money, she has cash if we're going out etc but she is constantly aware of where the money comes from. E.g. she prefers not to go out at weekends because he likes her to be around for him then (that's how she puts it, not that she wants to be with him) and he gets the final say because he pays for it all. I don't actually think he uses this argument but she seems to be in a permanent state of being grateful to him for everything they have because he earns the money.

I was a SAHM when DC were small but it was always planned to be temporary. During that time our money was very much "ours" and I didn't feel beholden to DH, I suppose because I knew I was pulling my weight with young DC. Does it feel different once the children are older/grown up?

I didn't need to go back financially and I often wonder how life would have been if I hadn't.

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Sun 01-Nov-20 16:51:23

Does he agree with her not working or having any children to look after? Is that part of the issue?

1stV45 Sun 01-Nov-20 16:57:30

I think he's happy to have her at home. It does make life easier for everyone if there's one personal always at home rather than trying to fit the household stuff in at weekends.

OP’s posts: |
goldenrabbit Sun 01-Nov-20 17:29:03

I've been a sahm for over 21 years. My eldest is autistic so sometimes describe myself as a full time carer if required on official forms. But I also have a small p/t creative business so sometimes describe myself as self-employed. It running at a loss right now, but sometimes it's handy to have to deflect all the 'What do you do?' questions. I've also done some hobby courses in the past so I just said I was a student.

I get a decent amount of independent income, although DH brings in far more through his employment. But I'm not aware daily of who earns the money - it's all household income. I put in as much input into our joint purchases, I don't consult him if I want to spend a large amount on me (only if it's actually relevant to him). I don't feel guilty for spending money on myself and it doesn't bother me if he spends money on himself. It's just never an issue, we can afford it.

I never feel beholden to him. Personally I don't like seeing friends or doing hobby/personal stuff at weekends because that's our 'family time' as he works weekdays, so if we want to do days out then it has to be weekends. Whereas I have 3 days in the week to myself to do as I like (DD is in nursery 3 days at the moment). I don't need to be at home 'for him' but I just like spending time together as a whole family.

Livedandlearned Sun 01-Nov-20 18:03:02

I definitely would know where the money came from, which is why I'm not a SAHM.

It's not that I didn't want to be one, I just can't bear dh reminding me who pays the bills.

I know I pay them too but sometimes he's a dick.

mbosnz Sun 01-Nov-20 18:16:17

I called myself the house bitch. It was apt. Although it's made a customs officer or two blink a little at my declaration, lol.

Our money has always been our money, since before we were married. I spend what I want, although I'm not one to take the piss.

DH has never, ever, done anything but make it clear that the money he earns is our money, and he's extremely aware that his earning power has been built on the back of my sacrifices of my earning power and career.

JoJoSM2 Sun 01-Nov-20 18:53:19

Is she just bad at saying no so makes up this lame excuse?

If her husband works long ours during the week, perhaps they just try to spend quality time together at weekends?

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