Any Lockdown SAHM really struggling?

[Cwtchymumma]

Hey,

I’ll try to make this as short as possible. It will appear to be more of a rant and something I need to get off my chest than anything else. I’m a 30 year old, first time mum with a 15 month old son. My partner works as a plasterer and has managed to work ALL THE WAY through lockdown back in March....however, he literally comes home and does nothing. Since the day my son was born he hasn’t bathed him...that’s right, EVER....even after being asked multiple time’s, he doesn’t “do” nappy changes, he never feeds him (not even his bottle) nothing...what I’m trying to say is I’m the default parent but to an extreme. I get the classic from him “I work all day so I want to come home and relax” he doesn’t get up for night terrors or if my DS is crying..and hasn’t since day dot. If I ask for his help it’s ALWAYS met with a grunt or a big sigh. So after now 15 months I’m learning to just make do and get on by myself.

Now, last week (when we were told we were not aloud any visitors to the house) I told my partner I was going out to my brothers birthday meal. My partner told me a friend was coming round to the house. Which I told him I wasn’t happy about because HELLO ITS AGAINST THE LAW! And just not safe. He disregarded what I said and this friend came round. On the Monday, said friend was tested positive for covid-19......that was it, we were in isolation for 14 days...or so you’d think, but no. My selfish partner carried on working... I stayed in our (very small) house alone for FOURTEEN DAYS to be met with no help.... when he came home and golf playing on the weekends. If anyone is a SAHM you know how lonely it can get right? You know it can get so overwhelming, especially if your LO is being a terror that day, you have constant guilt that you can’t visit people, interact with other human beings, are you doing enough with them? Are they bored of the same four walls like you are? The list is endless of how you feel.

Now the SECOND lockdown has been announced I have just fallen to bits... after it all I will of been in my house for 6 weeks straight with just my son and me, alone....I don’t know what to do. I just broke down into a pillow because my partner had a go at me for snapping at him. I told him (given angrily) that I was tired of having nothing from him, no “how are you doing through this?” No, “I’ll bath him and out him to bed if you like tonight” no empathy or help or support. I resent him that he gets to go to work and see people, he gets to have a commute..I resent him for his lack of support CONSTANTLY, I mean is it too
Much to ask to have someone put their arm around you and ask “are you ok? How you feeling?”

My parents have told me to live with them for a month during this second lockdown, under the condition my partner can’t see him... I don’t know what to do?!? ....I tried looking for a similar thread on here and struggled.
Any help or advice is welcome. Please tell me I’m not alone I’m feeling like this....

Lots of love. Stay safe xxxx

[Cwtchymumma]

Oh and I have just started up an online children’s clothing store....I’m so passionate about it and really want to make something of it. But feel like I have no time to focus on it. He sees it as a hobby but it’s so much more to me. He just dumbs it down when I ask for advice or help with it. (Just an added pressure really)

[Loola08]

I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling that dread again.I had my son in April in the first lockdown, I've spent most of the year at home and just when some sort of normality might return, here we go again!
This time my other kids will be at school and my husband at work I'm assuming.it really is a lonely place.
I was hoping to go back to work but I'm a hairdresser so that's def not going to happen!
I feel for you my OH isn't much use either!
Life doesn't stop for them, and all he's worried about is gyms closing

[Nyancat]

Honestly I think you have less of a lockdown probably and more of a DH problem. He needs to start pulling his weight when he's not working. If it was me I would move to my parents for the next lockdown without a second thought if you are going to get the support there you haven't gotten at home for the last 15 months.

[Misstabithabean]

Poor you - it sounds like you're having a really tough time and your partner doesn't sound very supportive or considerate.
I remember when my DS was 15 months, days could seem quite long sometimes as he needed a lot more of my attention. You might find as your little one gets a bit older you'll have a bit more time to focus on your new business.
I'd seriously consider accepting your parents' offer. They may be able to give you the support you need. It also sounds like they've picked up on some issues with your partner if they don't want you to see him (if I've understood that correctly)
Virtual hugs from another SAHM

[Neolara]

I'd move in with your parents. It doesn't sound as if your do is that interested in spending time with your DC and you sound as if you need some proper support.

[Cwtchymumma]

@Nyancat You could be dead on the money there tbh. He will be working, that’s the thing....he will carry on his normal life. Yet, I’ll have to stay at home with my DS for a further 6 weeks. At my parents house I get time off, I get help, emotional support. I GET FED! 🙌🏼. I think it might be a no brained but can I really just no let my DS see his dad for a month?? My parents are in the high risk category agpry (due to age not illness) so mixing with partner and living at my parents house isn’t an option... urrrgh I don’t know. 😔

[WellyBootsAreYouFrom]

Your problem isn't lockdown, it's that your partner is selfish and a complete arse.
What benefit or joy does he bring to your life?

Honestly, I think you should go to your parents and think hard about what you really want out of life. You are worth a lot more than this.

[Cwtchymumma]

@Misstabithabean Thank you so much for this! I have heard that 15 months is a tough age?! He was a dream baby and now he’s grumpy, angry, slaps me in the face pulls my hair throws toys at me...then two seconds later he wants a kiss. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster with him... 🤦🏼‍♀️

[Thepepperiswhereyouleftit]

You should definitely take your parents up on that offer! It is a no brainer! Echo everyone else who says you have a DP problem. Let him take care of himself and enjoy the support of your parents.

[Nyancat]

You could put it to him that way, that he's going to be working for the next 6 weeks so he'll barely see your LO anyway and this way he'll get to relax like he wants to in the evenings and seems to do anyway at the minute

These are strange times and I think while maybe it's not what you would do in normal times whatever gets you through the next lockdown easiest go for it.

[Cwtchymumma]

@Thepepperiswhereyouleftit “enjoy the support”..... 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼. EXACTLY!

[Grimbot]

I’d ditch your useless partner to be honest. It sounds like you are parenting solo already. Just because he is working doesn’t mean he gets to check out of being a parent. He doesn’t do anything when he gets home because he needs to rest after work but when do you get a rest?

I am a stay at home mum and when my husband is here we both take care of our children. He does baths, nappy changes, feeds our kids, gets up with them in the night.

I really feel for you because lockdown is so intense when your a stay at home mum. You’ve had a really hard time of it and your partner is making your life more difficult that it should be.

[SprogletsMum]

If I was you I would move in with your parents and end the relationship. I was exactly where you are now 11 years ago. 11 years and 3 more children later it's no better, I still do everything.
Lock down as a sahm absolutely sucks but go to your parents and enjoy the support.

[MustardMitt]

This isn’t lockdown. This useless fuckwit husband.

Go to your parents and really think about whether or not you want to continue a relationship with a man so selfish he won’t even curtail his going out when you are begging for his help.

[Grimbot]

And 15 months is a hard age, definitely. I found 12-18 months super hard with both of mine. It gets easier when they can talk a bit I think, they get (a bit 🤣) less frustrated.

[Thatwentbadly]

I’m a sahm of a 15 month old and a 4 year old. You have DH problem not a lockdown problem - although lockdown is fucking hard. I very rarely do bath time, that DH job. DH was off most of this week so I’ve barely changed a nappy as DH has taken this on as the little on is breast feed so I usually do nights and I have a sore back so this is way of making things easier for me. This week DH has started to try and resettle the youngest on her first walk up of the evening. My lovely husband is no saint or super Dad but he is a good husband and Dad and I wrote this out to show you what in normal I my social circle.

[Cwtchymumma]

@MustardMitt....I’m currently sat downstairs, on my own feeling like this....he’s upstairs laying on the bed. Even after I told him I need some support. That’s where we are at. And for the record, we aren’t married, nor do we have a mortgage but a SAHM makes leaving someone quite a lot harder (financially) but I do need to do some serious thinking and I have four weeks to do it.

[Cwtchymumma]

@Thatwentbadly WOW.....is this normal?? 😳. My god! When I was BF my DS I still did it all......

[Pinkflipflop85]

Go to your parents. I doubt your 15 month old would even miss daddy seeing as he seems to do sweet fuck all with him.

[lobsteroll]

Definitely go to your parents!

Sounds like she's completely useless lockdown or no lockdown. You deserve better and so does your son.

[lobsteroll]

Oops, not she's - meant he's!

[KimonoKim]

My Dh is a plasterer too. Spent a few weeks out of work during lockdown 1. Been inundated with work since. Still when he's been working all day he comes home and jumps straight into dad mode helping out at home. Usually I've cooked tea and whilst I'm bathing DC he sorts the dishes and generally cleans up downstairs so that when they are bathed we can sit down without worrying about cleaning up. It's all team work!

[MrsWhites]

Go to your parents, it will either help you to realise that you deserve better than a ‘partner’ who offers no emotional support or it will make him realise that he needs to step up and actually participate in being a dad and partner to you!

[allthewaterinthetap]

I'd go to my Mum's. Also better for the baby to have more people around safely.

[yourestandingonmyneck]

Definitely go to your parents. I can see that the isolation with a baby would be very, very difficult for you both. I think time interacting with his grandparents would also be great for your son - and way more than he gets from his dad.

Use the time to think about whether you want to stay with this man (who, by the way, apart from sounding like a pretty crap dad, is a selfish prick for flouting the rules and potentially taking covid into ppls homes).

I was also going to suggest nursery for your little one. Interaction for him, and a break for you. Although I realise this would be hard financially if you left your partner.

If you do stay though, tell him to pay for it, since he works so much.