I feel like I’m being bullied by my manager

[Themasked]

But it’s hard to pin down concrete examples. It’s not screaming shouting name calling but isolating me, refusing to communicate, ignoring situations where I have achieved but picking up on bizarre misdeeds (clothing I was wearing whilst working from home).

We were previously quite close, she had sent me a friend request on all my social media, we would go out socially with some of the team, she would talk about her issues with her managers to the point that when she was really struggling she would frequently lock the office door and cry in front of me.

Overnight her whole attitude changed, literally out of nowhere. She emailed a very formal email to me that she was changing my working situation due to covid, something she knew would be very difficult logistically as we had discussed previously. She never replies to any emails, never. But if I then ask someone else for advice or input she instantly contacts me to remind me she is my manager and why am I asking other people. When I say I did contact her first I get a “well I’m very busy” response. I get work requests from a number of people (standard practice) and she emailed them to tell them all requests for me to do work have to go through her. She completely stopped interacting on social media. For example she posted something and I commented a benign nice comment along with 30 other people. She went through and liked all of their comments and just ignored mine (I realise this sounds petty!)

I had a presentation to give to a large amount of people and received positive feedback from a number of seniors. She called me for the first time in months, ignored anything about the work I had done and told me I should stop fiddling with my hair so much during meetings!

There are so many other small things like this which all add up to feeling like I’m being got at. Other than the list of work/projects I have sent her which she never acknowledges (outside of my scope of work done as a favour to her) I don’t have anything I can really put down on paper.

Any advice here?

[Horsemad]

Keep a diary.

[Themasked]

I’ve got on with all the examples of work I have done adhoc which haven’t been acknowledged. I don’t expect thanks and glowing reviews but even a cut and paste acknowledgement would do.

[devildeepbluesea]

Absolutely agree, you need to keep a diary, examples of unanswered emails, the little undermining things she does to you.

With a body of evidence you will be in a better position to raise it with her line manager.

[lozjay]

I reckon someone has told her something you may have said. Usually when people do this it's cos you have upset them , maybe she told you something and you told someone else or maybe you slagged her off

[tenlittlecygnets]

She sounds totally unprofessional. I'd delete her off all social media and start to keep a diary. Go back and print out emails she hasn't responded to it and nasty things she's emailed to you.

Can you cc another staff member in emails so they can see when you sent them and that they're not being replied to?

Do you have a higher manager you can talk to?

[YorkshireParentalPerson]

I had a manager like this. Unfriend from all social network stuff, you are work colleagues and you do not have to be friends socially. I bet she is seriously regretting crying in front of you and opening up to you and perhaps concerned that you will divulge that information elsewhere. Just keep a record of everything, keep a copy of emails and maybe try asking if she is ok as you have noticed that she's struggling, via email, so you have a record.
If matters do not improve, take it to HR or a more senior manager.

[cushioncovers]

I agree, unfriend from SM. this is your boss not your friend.

[CherryPavlova]

She sounds like she’s struggling and trying to retain some sense of control for herself. My guess is she’s not terribly well but that doesn’t help you.

Can you discuss it with her? Do you have formal 121 meetings where you can raise it and have your concern recorded?
How you deal with it depends on the setting and the size/structure of the organisation.

[CherryPavlova]

Yes definitely remove from social media accounts.

[Amammi]

Are you the only person who reports to her? If there are others Can you put the feelers out to see how they are being dealt with - could be more to do with her rather that anything you’ve done. Going into rooms to cry at work is not normal

[Alternista]

“She emailed a very formal email to me that she was changing my working situation due to covid, something she knew would be very difficult logistically as we had discussed previously.”

Can you say more about this? I wonder if it’s to do with this.

[Frankola]

It sounds like she's decided/been advised to take a more formal managerial stance with her team - be your boss rather than your friend.

Shes taking it to extremes though

[OldEvilOwl]

If you try and ask her what's wrong she will probably say nothing or pretend that your imagining it. Best way forwards is to remain professional, and delete her from all social media. Keeping a record of everything is a good idea too. Have an excuse ready in case she asks you why you have deleted her

[Themasked]

I deleted all my social media a month ago so that’s not an issue anymore. We are supposed to have 1-2-1s but she’s always too busy or cancels last minute; I haven’t had one for 6 months.

I’ve racked my brains trying to think if I have said something which could have upset her but I can’t think of anything. I haven’t discussed her crying with anyone, although it isn’t a secret she was struggling with the pressure she had told a number of people.

Re the formal email; it basically moved me to an office out of the way of anyone else, working on my own, she told me to stop attending a number of meetings I previously attended as there was “no need for me to be there”, she asked for copies of my diary commitments, told me any email sent to her managers needed to be cc’d into her but should be directed to her in the first instance anyway, cancelled my appraisal as too busy to do it would reschedule in the future, removed two projects I had responsibility for as a “restructure” exercise. The appraisal did happen in the end, very brief, no issues with performance, vague goals and due to covid no real action plan for the next 6 months.

[Themasked]

Her manager holds the budget approval so the standard practice is to email them when we need approval for spending. It’s standard across our department. I now need to email her and she will email them. Everyone else is still ok to email them directly.