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DD changing appearance, moods etc...

(33 Posts)
ModulLakritze Sat 31-Oct-20 07:40:41

NC for this as I think it could be outing.

My DD is 13 years old. About a year ago she started changing in mood, what she wanted to wear etc, all very normal and expected. Then she started talking about gender, sexuality, etc. It transpired that she felt she's gay, no issues with that. She formed close friendships with others in school who felt similarly.

In the past few weeks DD has started wearing all black and applying very thick black eyeliner. Initially I though she just didn't know how to apply make up so I offered to do her make up, she agreed and then washed it straight away and applied the thick eyeliner again.

A couple of days ago her friends came for a sleepover. I hadn't seen them for 18 months and I wouldn't have recognised them in a million years. Two of them now identify as male. They've gone from having very blonde long hair to having shaggy short died black hair, wearing all black, ripped tights, very high platform over the knee boots, and strong black make up.

I don't mean to be insensitive but I genuinely believed initially that they were dressed up for halloween. Then the penny dropped. My own DD has been hinting at wanting to die her hair black and cut it short, having platform boots, etc.

I would appreciate some tips as to how to navigate this. On the one hand I do appreciate that it's almost text book adolescent development. On the other, well, I just don't like the idea of my DD looking like that. Not sure it matters but she's a year younger than the others, as they're all 14 yo whilst my own DD won't be 14 until the end of august. I realise now how influenced she is by these friends and that's where her new tastes in music, movies, clothes, etc comes from.

Do I just ignore it, let it be and hope it's a phase? Do I support it and if so how? Do I object?

I'd appreciate tips and advice but be kind, she's my first soon to be teenager.

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KylieKangaroo Sat 31-Oct-20 07:45:30

I don't have a teenager but I would ignore definitely, don't go on about it but just accept it for what it is. I remember being a teenager and I never rebelled (lucky parents!) but that's probably as my parents never gave me anything to rebel against so the pull wasn't there.

If she does change her appearance would she still be allowed in school, that's the only thing that would concern me as some schools can be strict about hair and piercings etc

Screwcorona Sat 31-Oct-20 07:45:49

Are they goth? I was goth for a bit in high school. It is fairly normal. I've definitly toned it down but I'm a metalhead and dress alternative sometimes. It's most likely her finding her identity and trying to stand out from the crowd. I wouldnt discourage it, I'd just talk it throug, like how much male up will be appropriate at school.
Personally I'd encourage freedom to dress as she wishes

HollowTalk Sat 31-Oct-20 07:46:54

Oh my daughter was like that. She's 30 now so changing gender wasn't a thing then. They all said they were gay. None of them are now. She dressed like that until 16, I think. Does she go to an all girl school? I think they can be quite intense.

ModulLakritze Sat 31-Oct-20 07:49:04

I don't know if she's goth, I don't think so but how would I know? She's into manga and anime and I notice that sort of androgynous look reflected there. School will be fairly relaxed I think.
I honestly don't know what my DD would be rebelling against. DH and I are not authoritative in the slightest, not saying we're perfect, far from it, but we've always been supportive of everything she's wanted to do.

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ModulLakritze Sat 31-Oct-20 07:49:39

Yes @HollowTalk, all girl school.

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Isadora2007 Sat 31-Oct-20 07:51:34

Her body her business. Leave her to it and just smile and agree. Unless she actually says she wants to identify as male. It just sounds like a goth/emo phase and in some ways better than her being an insta- plastic doll wannabe.

Thatwentbadly Sat 31-Oct-20 07:52:20

Goth bit wouldn’t worry me at all. Just privately roll your eyes and take photos to show her when she is in her 30s. But the transgender stuff would have me worried. Have a look on the feminism board and maybe ask for advice over there.

Ohalrightthen Sat 31-Oct-20 07:54:17

I'd just let her get on with it if i were you. Check that hair dye isnt against the school dress code, and tell her if she ruins the towels she'll have to pay for new ones.

ShinyGreenElephant Sat 31-Oct-20 07:57:41

Totally normal, I wouldnt make too much of it as it will probably encourage her more. Personally I wouldnt let a 13yo permanently dye her hair or allow makeup for school, but I did both at 13 if I'm honest. Kids do have these stages and copy each other - my oldest is only 11 and was a "vsco girl" last year - they all wore giant hoodies, pony tails and scrunchies all up their arms, looked ridiculous but I kept my mouth shut and shes over it now. Sure there's worse to come!

MWNA Sat 31-Oct-20 07:59:10

You sound so lovely, trying to get this right.
I think just go with it. Largely ignore but be supportive if she reaches out. If anything becomes an issue - older friends, unwise choices etc - she's got you as a loving, interested parent to help guide her.

ModulLakritze Sat 31-Oct-20 07:59:25

In terms of the transgender thing, I don't feel she wants to go there, but she has said she is not heterosexual. She is very vocal against JK Rowling because of the comments she made about transgender people, and no amount of trying to reason with DD and talking about feminism have got us anywhere, so I now just leave it.

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RhymesWithOrange Sat 31-Oct-20 07:59:39

TBH I'd just keep a very close eye on her online activity. There are a lot of harmful rabbit holes teens can go down when they're exploring their identity and sexuality.

As much as possible she should have a variety of sport/activity etc. and not spend ALL her time on specific obsessions or with a very small group of friends.

PenguindreamsofDraco Sat 31-Oct-20 08:06:44


In terms of the transgender thing, I don't feel she wants to go there, but she has said she is not heterosexual. She is very vocal against JK Rowling because of the comments she made about transgender people, and no amount of trying to reason with DD and talking about feminism have got us anywhere, so I now just leave it.

Oh Christ, dont leave it! She's 13! Of course she knows nothing and understands less. You dont need to bash her over the head with it but leaving the topic undiscussed leaves a massive void to be filled, as her ignorance about JKR shows.
Maybe read what JKR actually wrote with her. Ask for her views on it. Which bits does she think show hatred?
And get yourself over to FWR

ModulLakritze Sat 31-Oct-20 08:10:42

RhymesWithOrange we definitely want her to join a sports club, team, etc but there's nothing non competitive available at the moment.

PenguindreamsofDraco honestly I have tried, but the conversation quickly becomes confrontational. Is there any age appropriate literature that would offer a more balanced vie?

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ModulLakritze Sat 31-Oct-20 08:11:17


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HollowTalk Sat 31-Oct-20 10:32:13

I'd give her a print out of JKR's post and a highlighter pen and ask her to highlight exactly what was wrong with it. I'd be surprised if she could find anything.

RhymesWithOrange Sat 31-Oct-20 10:42:17

Have you checked her SM/online browsing recently?

BanningTheWordNaice Sat 31-Oct-20 10:44:21

Honestly the people I know who weren’t allowed to dress a bit like this/rebel as a teenager are the ones still doing it in their 30s and 40s. I’d let her get on with it and get it out of her system.

Vello Sat 31-Oct-20 11:02:22

Let her get on with it, but block tumblr on your router.

Lollyneenah Sat 31-Oct-20 11:41:28

I'd let her crack on with the clothe etc but I wouldnt let the older girls sleepover or have the bedroom door closed while they're in there together.
Same rules as if she were straight and bringing a boy home

user1471565182 Sat 31-Oct-20 13:45:58

It cant be as horrific looking as emo was, and like Hollow says this was before the whole transgender trend thing, they all said they were bisexual back then. Most just turned out normal and had definitely come out the other side by university age

user1471565182 Sat 31-Oct-20 13:50:38

By normal i mean everyday careers and stuff, didnt mean not gay.

ModulLakritze Sat 31-Oct-20 20:38:11

Thanks everyone. She also likes cosplay and has fancy dress type items of clothing that I feel she's planning to use as normal clothes. Do I turn a blind eye to that too?

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MerryGoRoundBrain Sat 31-Oct-20 20:52:52

Ignore! I was that kid between 13 and 16. I cringe looking and pictures now and grateful there were no social media then. My parents hated it but I think they just gave up eventually.
I’m now a relatively normal adult grin. I still love eyeliner and mascara, just maybe got better at applying it.
You sound so lovely for trying to get it right flowers

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