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Would you date someone in this situation?

(43 Posts)
Amberystyle Thu 29-Oct-20 12:55:28

NC. Please don’t attack me for this!

Dated someone 5 times now, we get on reasonably well and I do like him. However... we have wildly different income and views on money. I earn over 50k, he earns 28k. This is unlikely to change in the near future if at all if he stays in current line of work. I could earn more (if I get off my backside and put the work in), but probably will end up around the 120k mark if I carry on as I am. The next few years more like 65k’s a long career ladder! He’s 41 I’m 30.

He hasn’t bought his own place, he rents and says that’s what he will continue to do as he’s never really saved. He’s never offered to pay during a dinner...We always split it which I don’t mind but he often orders alcohol that costs more than my lemonade!

We’ve sort of addressed the disparity in jest and he seems to think that it’s almost romantic that we differ here...he says we can both teach each other something hmm

I’m by no means money obsessed and it’s less about his actual earnings and more that he doesn’t seem to have any aspirations for security if that makes sense? He also asked me what I earned on our first date which is the only reason I know his pay!

Would any of this put you off or am I being a bit of a dick here?

OP’s posts: |
Amberystyle Thu 29-Oct-20 12:56:52

Also for context we are both based in Leeds so not a London issue for him with renting!

OP’s posts: |
FraughtwithGin Thu 29-Oct-20 12:59:23

I would not.
Too many differences.

Bunkbedpeople Thu 29-Oct-20 12:59:45

(I’d put my flameproof suit on here for starters grin)

You’re 30 and not sure, put him back in the dating sea.

You have plenty of time and chances to meet someone with more in common - the 11 year age difference, dissimilar values and goals?

Amberystyle Thu 29-Oct-20 13:00:27

I’m 31 tomorrow!! I feel a bit of pressure now and don’t want to write people off too soon

OP’s posts: |
Guiltypleasures001 Thu 29-Oct-20 13:01:46

In short op I wouldn't go there

It's been fun but long term he's happy to drift, and possibly you pick up the slack

Your outlooks are different , and may lead to resentment
It may come across as money grabbing, but having been left
In the shit by an ex financially, Ide always protect myself first

I'm old school not offering to treat you to a dinner is not a good look
As it's something Ide do for others. He's not trying to impress you
Throw him back in the gene pool op

wowfudge Thu 29-Oct-20 13:02:04

A relationship is a partnership and such differing views on money, renting v buying etc. don't point to compatibility ime. The fact you've raised it here by starting a thread suggests you're not comfortable with it.

If my partner earned less than me to that degree, or vice versa, it wouldn't matter as our attitudes to saving, owning our own home, etc. are very similar. We choose to prioritise similar things in that vein and I feel it's a big part of what makes us a good partnership.

MissSmiley Thu 29-Oct-20 13:02:40

Never mind the money OP what's he like in bed?

Amberystyle Thu 29-Oct-20 13:03:51

misssmiley we haven’t gone there yet! Haha. I expect he is very good though. That’s my sense!

OP’s posts: |
Love51 Thu 29-Oct-20 13:09:56

He asked what you earned on the first date? Is that a thing?

NameChange84 Thu 29-Oct-20 13:12:48

If you are looking for someone to settle down with ditch him. At 41 he’s all the man he will
ever be and he doesn’t sound mature enough to be anyone’s husband, long term partner or father.

He’s financially irresponsible, he’s taking advantage of you in small ways that will add up in time and he doesn’t seem to want to change. And he’s a decade older than you to boot.

You need an equal, not a millstone round your neck. There are men in their 20s who are more responsible than this! You aren’t a charitable organisation and there’s nothing wrong with moving on quickly when you are in your thirties and wanting to settle down. He really doesn’t sound like a catch.

LittleOverwhelmed Thu 29-Oct-20 13:28:33

It sounds like you probably have different outlooks and want different things.

Earning disparity is not always a big thing, providing you have a common vision of where it goes (ie buying a house, raising a family (?), achieving financial security and how you save / spend your disposable income).

He sounds pretty easy going and that might work for you, but sounds like you have a fairly long term vision that includes property and financial security.

To be honest, I think that you know whether he is right or not: follow your gut.

Keepingthingsinteresting Thu 29-Oct-20 13:49:06

Nope OP, been there, done that, dealt with the fall out. Better to separate now before you get attached. You don’t have expectations for the same kind of life and someone will end up feeling resentful, it’s unavoidable.

MrsWhites Thu 29-Oct-20 13:52:25

Nope definitely not OP, you have too many different views on fundamental things. For me it would be less about the earnings disparity and more about him not seeming to have many aspirations for the future. I personally find lack of ambition and drive unattractive and suspect you may be the same.

PegasusReturns Thu 29-Oct-20 14:08:53

No chance.

The money would be an issue but the lack of drive/ambition would be the real issue.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 29-Oct-20 14:13:36

He's 41 and earns and lives like a man in his 20's. Big fat NO. I'd be asking myself why he's so interested in my salary. I smell a cocklodger afoot. You can do much better.

Giningit Thu 29-Oct-20 14:20:10

I wouldn’t OP. If he’s still drifting at his age, he’s unlikely to change. That combined with the fact that you earn much more and have a higher earning potential would be a NO from me

Justmuddlingalong Thu 29-Oct-20 14:21:26

Irrespective of the differences in income, "getting on reasonably well" makes me think the long term future won't be an issue.

SnuggyBuggy Thu 29-Oct-20 14:22:30

A difference in earnings isn't necessarily a problem but a different attitude to money is a huge one.

If you're just looking for someone to date it's not so bad but someone to eventually move in and commit with I wouldn't do it.

SarahAndQuack Thu 29-Oct-20 14:22:32

The money disparity wouldn't worry me, nor the amount he earns. (But I am 36, and earn the same, and also rent). I would say that, unless he has wealthy family behind him, it may well be that renting is the practical choice on that salary and that's why he has become a bit blase about it.

But asking you how much you earn on a first date is really, really weird and would ring alarm bells for me.

wizzbangfizz Thu 29-Oct-20 14:25:15

Hmmmm 41 and not settled down, renting, no ambition - it would be a hard no from me OP.

QualityFeet Thu 29-Oct-20 14:27:10

He asked how much you earn. He orders more expensive items and you sub them when you split the bill and he thinks he can teach you things? Plus he is older than you. God no. Then no some more and then fuck no. The first sign of mean right arsed but himself first behaviour and it needs to be no.

Amberystyle Thu 29-Oct-20 14:28:52

I do get that it isn’t easy to buy’s more that he doesn’t think it is something to work towards. Each to their own I guess but he’s throwing 580 away every month and not at all concerned about having no savings at all.

Back to the drawing board. Sigh.

OP’s posts: |
BeanieB2020 Thu 29-Oct-20 14:29:00


If I was in an established relationship at a younger age and this situation is what happened in the future I wouldn't leave the other person because of it, but I would not choose to start a relationship in the situation.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Thu 29-Oct-20 14:29:38

The money thing wouldn’t bother me as long as he can pay his half. I like a work ethic, salary comes second to that. A good work ethic to me means in bad times they will take anything and not be picky so they can support themselves.

I’d not find it off putting he didn’t pay in full simply because he’s male. I’ve taught my sons to go 50/50 and to run a mile of a date expects to paid for.

I would have found it strange he asked about salaries on the first date. I know salary is important to many in a partner but it would put me off.

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