SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile
  

-Gifts for family and friends (mine)
-Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year)
-Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts
  

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far)
-Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive)
-Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
  
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
  
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
  
• Misc
  

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

[Livingnearthesea]

Btw DH doesn’t know I have that much on CC. He always boasts how he pays his off in full every month

[LittleBearPad]

Keep the winnings

Have you told him £200 isn’t enough and about the credit card debt.

Being honest about your joint finances would seem to be the solution.

[Lazypuppy]

Why aren't you using joint account for house stuff -paint, plants etc and even the children stuff should come out of joint account.

Do you have one of the joint account bank cards?

[FoolsAssassin]

I don’t think whether other people can live off this is relevant, it needs looking at in terms of your situation.

Take a moment to think about it. He earns 110k, has bought himself a 42k car, has designer clothes whereas you are going to charity shops for your clothes and buying a pair of boots suitable for a medical condition is difficult.

If someone was telling you this, what would you say to them?

[CorianderLord]

No, my tube costs are around £150 a month in normal times. Also children's costs shouldn't come under an allowance they should be taken from the joint account. As should DIy and garden things.

£200 a month for make up, clothes, hair, coffee with pals, dinner out seems reasonable to me, but not the additional things.

£1,200 a year is nothing.

You realise he is giving you less than 2% of his annual income? It could be argued that he is financially abusing you.

[Feelingpoorlysick]

He earns 110k a year and sends you 200 a month? He's a knob.

[Parkmama]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like a partnership to me. It sounds like he sees the money he earns as firmly his. There's a lot I want to say about this but I think you know it's unfair and I don't think you're happy about any of it. If I was you, i'd tell him you have a £900 cc bill because the £200 he 'gives' you is so little for all of your expenses and that you have come into £300 and you will be using it to pay some of that off. Be honest and defend your right to use that £300 as you see fit, much like he is doing with flash cars and designer suits. Then I would be taking a long hard look at how the finances work in your marriage and speaking to him about it.

[LouisLitt]

Fucking hell. What a tight bastard.

[CorianderLord]

With his kind of salary I would be expecting a minimum of £1k a month tbh if that was free after bills, and that's only if he insisted on treating me like a child with pocket money instead of a partner with free access to joint monies.

What would he do if you told him it's not enough?

[Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear]

The amount depends on individuals but no one whose H earns 110K and wears designer clothes etc should be wandering round in tatty, unsuitable clothing and building up debt. This is financial abuse.

[Parkmama]

Agree this feels like financial abuse

[JoJoSM2]

Is this post for real? Outings with children, things for the garden should come out from the shared account.

I’m a SAHM and DH and I have the same monthly ‘fun money’ to spend on ourselves. Your set up sounds like slavery.

[LouisLitt]

Time for you to go back to work and get some independence back OP.

[movingonup20]

Household things and dc expenses should come from the joint account, but what I'm wondering if there's a back story and he doesn't want you to be a sahm? If dc is 5 then you can work surely? Ignoring his income, actually £200 a month is far more than most working people have for discretionary income, I've certainly never had that much despite working

[Glenthebattleostrich]

He's financially abusive. He has nice expensive things while you can't even have a pair of decent boots.

I'd check how much he'd be paying in maintenance and point out making sure you are suitably supported while looking after his child is the cheaper option.

[user183684257424]

He sounds financially abusive. This is not normal.

You should not be in this position.

It's not deceitful to protect yourself from someone who is inflicting harm on you - and it's not accidental, he clearly knows full well what he's doing.

[lostmymitten]

Well he's financially abusing you so no yanbu. You'd probably get more in child support if you left the tight bastard.

I'm a sahm. Equal access to money.

[FoolsAssassin]

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

The amount depends on individuals but no one whose H earns 110K and wears designer clothes etc should be wandering round in tatty, unsuitable clothing and building up debt. This is financial abuse.

Exactly this. OP you are having to change your behaviour and at risk of becoming isolated from your friends and family because you can’t afford to see them.

Financial abuse is most definitely the name for what yin are experiencing.

[guineapig1]

On first glance I’d say that this borders on financial abuse. What is reasonable depends on the family financial situation as a whole. Housing and commuting costs can be eyewatering in some areas but £110k is a great income nevertheless. £200 per month seems ridiculously mean. What would happen if you asked more? Who pays for childcare? What discussions did you have re finances pre DC. What would he say if you got a job?

[WilheminaVenable]

Nah, if anything it should all go in the joint account, you take what you need and he should take out his own pocket money if he wants to be like that.
With his wage there’s no need for you to have debt.
The question is less ‘can I live off this money?’ and more ‘is my husband a dickhead?’

[AnythingConsidered]

He earns £110k a year and 'gives' you £200 a month, a total of £2400 a year. Which is not just 'fun money' but has to cover expenses. Or to put it another way, of the household income, you are allowed 2%.

That seems incredibly disproportionate to me & unless there is some massive school fees, mortgage, care home fees etc to consider is disgraceful.

The question is not is it enough, the question is why you feel you need to come to a website to seek validation rather than discussing it with him.

I am reading the tone that you are nervous about talking to him and although you haven't mentioned control, the fact that he has designer clothes, maintains a good lifestyle etc, it sound like that is what is happening.

There is no golden answer to this question. You have to be clear in your mind about what is acceptable to you & then talk to him about it in a way which is clear that this is how it will be moving forward. You shouldn't be seeking permission from him, or us, or anyone.

[user183684257424]

Freedom Programme - //www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

[ReallySpicyCurry]

Your man is a tight bastard.

[PrimeraVez]

I think it's really sad that your husband earns 110k and you are stressed and feeling guilty about a 900 debt

Best case scenario, he is clueless to how much 'life' costs and would be horrified that you have been left in this situation (and most importantly quickly remedies it)

Worst case scenario, he's not a very nice man and this is a form of abuse.

[pastandpresent]

I would speak to him about debt asap. It's silly to keep it secret, you are a family. And I don't think it's possible to cover all that stuff for £200 a months.