House workload - is this reasonable?

[FizzyDizzy121]

So my DP and I are having some issues regarding house responsibilities and it would be really good to get some independent thoughts - what do you think of the below? Is it fair? Which one would you rather be?

Person A
All clothes/bedding/towels washing, drying and sorting
Set table each night
All shopping
Strip bed
Washing all dishes
Cleaning kitchen counters every day
Clean main bathroom weekly
Hoover bedrooms and hall weekly
Manages admin for bills

Person B
Hoover living room and kitchen 3 x a week
Cooking all evening meals
Put all dishes away
Puts all shopping away
Makes bed every morning
Cleans en suite bathroom every 2/3 months

Shared:
Both put clean bedding on
Both make own breakfast/lunch
Both take rubbish out
Both put own washing away

We both work full time with person A earning approx 1.5 times as much as person B and all bills are paid proportionally to income. No kids as of yet.

Any thoughts welcome!

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

A seems to have it easier housewise whereas B isn’t paying 50/50 of bills so it’s very unequal for both.

Having set jobs would make me feel like a child with a chore chart and I wouldn’t want a partner who didn’t pull their half of the financial weight.

[Ilovesausages]

Are you person A? It does look unequal.

[unmarkedbythat]

I wouldn't want to be either, it would feel like living in an institution to have set rules of who does what housework.

[FizzyDizzy121]

Thanks for the thoughts!

Just to clarify, this isnt a set list per se but just what weve kind of fallen into. There is some disagreement about whether the current set up needs to be reviewed to make it fairer or whether we just carry on as we are.

The bills bit I only added for extra info if req (I know that question is usually asked on these type of threads!) With us both working full time, cutting bills proportionally to income (e.g. so Person A pays more but is earning more) seems the best approach.

[SuperbGorgonzola]

Agree that broadly it's best if both just do what needs doing.

Having said that, I have certain things that one of us tends to do; for instance I tend to do the bathrooms whereas as DH does all the gardening. I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it, so it makes sense for me to do the meal planning and shopping as well.

Some of your list seems pretty arbitrary though. What does it matter which one of you sets the table?

[HotDiggidy2017]

Hmm kinda similar to my partner and I with a similar pay gap and bill set up too. We split the following (tiny one bed flat):
Me:
Meal plan for week
Food shop for week (usually we put food away together)
Loads and unloads dishwasher
Laundry
Clean bathroom

Him:
Prepares all meals (not breakfast but includes lunch since lockdown)
Cleans kitchen
Makes bed in morning (as last out 😂)
Takes out bins
Cleans windows

Then together we change the bed, do general tidying of clutter around the flat and sort bills.

It’s flexible though (except the cooking, bathroom and kitchen split 😂)

It works for us and means there’s never arguments. Would like him to help more with laundry but it’s just not something he ever thinks about... will do it if I ask though.

[HotDiggidy2017]

I’m gonna get roasted for this but we’re also weirdly strict about who makes the cups of tea, has to go in turns and if you miss your turn you make 2 in a row 😂 we’re big tea drinkers

[mindutopia]

I think it looks fine, but I think there are things listed under A which I presume are done daily/weekly/regular enough, which don't need to be or could be shared.

For example, you each can wash your own clothes or take it in in turns, each doing it once a week or whatever (I never wash dh's clothes and we've been married 12 years). Bedding/towels don't need to be changed or washed weekly. You can set up payments for bills so very little admin. Get a dishwasher and take turns loading it. No one really needs to set the table. Just each get your own plates and cutlery and sit down to eat together. Hoovering and bathroom cleaning doesn't need to happen weekly, every other week would be fine unless you are particularly dirty.

I think being more pragmatic about household tasks, and maybe not making work where there isn't any, would save you both time.

[FlyNow]

I think it seems fair, A does slightly more. Hard to say though without more detail, who is unhappy with the current situation and why. Is it because their tasks take longer? They don't like the particular tasks?

Things like setting the table and making the bed I wouldn't think to list individually as chores. Surely setting the table is part of making dinner and making the bed takes seconds, just pull the blanket back in to place.

[FizzyDizzy121]

Thanks all.

We're currently in a flat but are in the process of buying a house so this is the first time we've sat down and actually looked at who tends to do what. I take the point that writing it out like this is odd (it is!) but we're keen to ensure everyone is pulling their weight and is happy with the split before we move - the house is much bigger and we'd rather be on the same page.

We'll definitely look into the question of making some of the jobs easier e.g. dishwasher etc. Thanks for the idea!

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

With us both working full time, cutting bills proportionally to income (e.g. so Person A pays more but is earning more) seems the best approach

Is person A happy with that? I wouldn’t want to pay more rent etc because I earned more. Different if married but I’d want 50/50 if not.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Person A
All clothes/bedding/towels washing, drying and sorting - if you each put your own away, then this is half the job.
Set table each night - two plates
All shopping - big job!
Strip bed - every week or two?
Washing all dishes - big job!
Cleaning kitchen counters every day - a wipe down?
Clean main bathroom weekly - big job!
Hoover bedrooms and hall weekly - wouldn't it make sense for the person vacuuming to just do the lot once a week?
Manages admin for bills - Do you have much admin? Just get everything set up on direct debit

Person B
Hoover living room and kitchen 3 x a week - see vacuuming point above.
Cooking all evening meals - big job!
Put all dishes away - balances against the one doing dishes
Puts all shopping away - balances against the one shopping
Makes bed every morning - meh
Cleans en suite bathroom every 2/3 months - meh


So it looks like A has more Big Jobs than B. But A looks like they are fleshing their list out more.

[FizzyDizzy121]

Good point.

The proportional thing come about after watching friends who had one high earner and one a lower earner really struggle with a 50/50 split. The higher earner would get frustrated the lower earner couldnt do things (hobbies, holidays, trips out etc) at the same rate or at the same price point as they could.

We didnt want to fall into that trap so went for the proportional approach. Both still then have differing amounts left for "fun" money after joint bills but it means that one person isnt completely skint and the other having loads of disposable income over.

We have reviewed this in light of the house purchase and person A owns a bigger share of the house than person B to reflect the value put in (the deposit contributed to equally but the mortgage will be paid proportionally)

[FizzyDizzy121]

Crossed post @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Its really interesting to see an independent's view -thank you

[SleepingStandingUp]

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House workload - is this reasonable?13
Today 12:35FizzyDizzy121

So my DP and I are having some issues regarding house responsibilities and it would be really good to get some independent thoughts - what do you think of the below? Is it fair? Which one would you rather be?

Person A
All clothes/bedding/towels washing, drying and sorting 7h
Set table each night 1h
All shopping 3h
Strip bed .5h
Washing all dishes 3.5h
Cleaning kitchen counters every day 1h
Clean main bathroom weekly .5h
Hoover bedrooms and hall weekly 1h
Manages admin for bills 1h
18.5hours a week

Person B
Hoover living room and kitchen 3 x a week 2.5h
Cooking all evening meals 7h
Put all dishes away 1h
Puts all shopping away .5h
Makes bed every morning 1h
Cleans en suite bathroom every 2/3 months .5h
12.5 hours a week

Imran your timings might vary but that's roughly how I'd look at it.

And proportionate bills is fine op. The idea you'd both pay the same, one would be off on nights out and buying clothes and going on holiday whilst the other is constantly in and out the overdraft is ridiculous. And the fact it would be ok of you were married - so have a home together, couple might even have kids, tough. Be skint whilst I'm rich for 10 years of our relationship but tomorrow once we're married you can pay less cos I earn twice as much? I don't think so

[Indecisivelurcher]

B is the winner!

[FizzyDizzy121]

@SleepingStandingUp thank you -I was just wondering whether time spent on household things was a better measure than individual activities ...

[Parkandride]

Do you need to Hoover that much? Hairy dog or similar? when we worked full time out of the house in a flat with just the 2 of us it was once a fortnight job. Get a Eufy if you need it.

Person A has more "mental load" tasks with planning shopping and doing bills so I think I'd rather be B. I know someone said it should just be direct debits but I'm just hitting that point in the year where insurances need renewing or fixed periods have ended so you have to do all the comparisons then ring up to haggle.

I wouldn't want to always cook or always wash up though, would prefer to mix that up. So which are you?

[FizzyDizzy121]

Reviewing how often we do certain tasks is definitely on my list. Its currently that often as we have hardwood floors everywhere and both seem to lose a lot of hair!

Yes, to clarify, Person A looks after things like insurance renewals, meter readings, getting repair people in if something breaks down etc. That's all dealt with under "admin" for us. Person B repairs any smaller issues/faults solo before Person A gets involved with speaking to the Landlord etc

[Bbq1]

Blimey op, it sounds so regimented or like your flatmates, not partners. I wouldn't want to love like that. I do cooking, cleaning, dh washes dishes, gardening, takes bins out. We share shopping and changing bedding. We also have a cleaner a couple of times a month. We love tea and coffee and drink copious amounts but we're not strict in turn taking. Stuff like laying the table, putting shopping away etc can be shared. It all sound ms strict, unnecessary and petty. Relax, op. Just share the jobs informally. The world won't end if the table isn't laid!

[Evilwasps]

You're clearly A (B cleans ensuite every 2-3 months, really?). Earnings are irrelevant in this scenario as you both work FT, no kids, and have sorted that accordingly.

I'd be less strict. Do what you need or want done, take responsibility for your own things like washing and putting away your clothes (not his) if you are feeling like it's unfair. That's what we did when I was doing most stuff (and paying most bills). H prefers to do stuff all in one go, e.g. tidying up at the end of the day, or the next morning, washing clothes once a week etc. I like to do things every day or as needed.

Alternatively get a cleaner. This was our ultimate solution. Or split up if it's that bad because he won't change.

[Hollyhocksarenotmessy]

I think A does more than B, unless B is going to town and making long winded recipes all the time for the dinners.

I also dont see why the living room and kitchen need hoovering 3x a week though. No kids, no pets that you mention, just the two of you shouldn't be getting the carpet that dirty. Theres 2 of us, we take outdoor shoes off when we come in, and hoover round once a fortnight. Sweep the kitchen floor.

Money, it's up to you how you do things. I earn more than do. I pay £500 a month more into our Bills pot as it enables us to live somewhere nicer. I still have a bit more disposable income than him because, well, I've worked and studied hard for it, and its mine. 😁

[vanillandhoney]

Person A

All clothes/bedding/towels washing, drying and sorting - this can be easy or hard, depending on how much stuff there is, whether you have a dryer etc.
Set table each night - not really a job.
All shopping - surely you just do an online shop each week? Set it up with your favourites and go from there.
Strip bed - only takes seconds, not really a job in itself. The person who strips the bed should be re-making it imo.
Washing all dishes - fine.
Cleaning kitchen counters every day - isn't this just part of washing up? I wouldn't think to list it as a separate task.
Clean main bathroom weekly - fine.
Hoover bedrooms and hall weekly - why only the bedrooms and the hall? Wouldn't it make sense to do all the vacuuming at once?
Manages admin for bills - how much admin is there, really? Surely bills just go out by direct debit nowadays?

Person B
Hoover living room and kitchen 3 x a week - see above comment on vacuuming. Makes sense to include the upstairs in one of their vacuuming sessions rather than split it up like you do.
Cooking all evening meals - a big job, but is it possible when person A is in charge of all the shopping?
Put all dishes away - why doesn't the person washing up do this?
Puts all shopping away - meh, this takes about 10 minutes a week. Hardly a job.
Makes bed every morning - again, not really a job. It takes less than a minute to make a bed. Surely whoever is last up does this?
Cleans en suite bathroom every 2/3 months - meh, hardly a job if you only do it four times a year.

Shared:

Both put clean bedding on - see above. Whoever strips the bed should be re-making it again. Stripping and making a bed only takes about 10 minutes a week.
Both make own breakfast/lunch - come on, this is not a job!
Both take rubbish out - meh, fine. Whoever notices the bin is full is the one to empty it.
Both put own washing away - I thought person A was responsible for this? Either way, meh. It's not really a job to put away your own clothes!

[FizzyDizzy121]

Thanks all.

To clarify, the en suite is not used very often (the shower isnt great in there!) So Person A bleaches the toilet when doing the other bathroom and Person B is responsible for giving it a 'proper' clean when it starts to get mucky which is usually around the 2-3 month mark given how infrequently it is used.

Its really useful to get outside perspectives -thank you!

[BackforGood]

Whereas it does seem somewhat over-regimented, and my first thought was like others, that I wouldn't want to live with a list of set chores, having read your further posts I actually think you are being really really sensible to have a good look now at any disparities, before falling into a trap of one doing a lot more than the other.

I do think you are a bit over obsessed with the bed . In our house, whoever gets up second pulls the duvet straight as they walk past. I don't really see that as a job.
However, if one of you doesn't tend to "see" what needs doing, then I can see that it makes sense to list things like this now.

Putting times to it, like @SleepingStandingUp has done is a good way to do it - even though I'd not agree with all the time estimates. @vanillandhoney's opinions are more like mine though in terms of what is, and what isn't a job. Although if one person is doing all the 'it's only 10 mins' jobs, then it does start to add up.

Really, really sensible to have this discussion with your dp NOW OP, and not wait until you are in a bigger house / have children / have become ingrained in bad habits.