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Police called bf arrested

(127 Posts)
pinkmonkey123 Tue 27-Oct-20 08:15:16

My boyfriend is kind and loving 90% of the time . Cooks, cleans , irons , listens to me , great dad to his kids , liked by my family .

I can be difficult - I have issues with mental health but I work full time and believe I am loving too but realise I can be hard work .

My boyfriend has a short temper and has called me names when arguing - slut/ bitch /cu*t

He apologised and as a result we decided to go to couples councilling which we had yesterday.

Last night after we got home we had a few drinks and an argument. I was cross as he admitted he has actually had cheated on his ex ! I Kept saying - now I understand why you are so kind to her ! You have disappointed me etc ! I did go abit crazy !

He stated shouting and threw things around the bedroom - furniture and then got me in a corner . I got into a ball and he was shaking me and calling me names . He didn’t beat me but I thought he might . He just kept shaking me and I think pulled me around . I kept screaming - help .

I Managed to lock myself in the bathroom . He was kicking the door down and screaming . I had my phone so said I am
Ringing 999 but I hung up.

I said he had to leave the house but he wouldn’t and he was trying to get into the bathroom and screaming .

There was a knock at the door and it was the police .
They then questioned me and I explained the situation and they arrested my partner and he is now gone .

We are engaged , have just signed a new tenancy for 1 year on a property which I would really struggle to pay alone ?
We are meant to be getting married in Feb .

I am so confused and mortified that my neighbour called the police . Also , I can’t belive my partner has been arrested? He will have to come back here as he lives here . He have no kids . I don’t know that we would hit me but I know I am scared or could happen potentially.

I don’t know what to think ? Will this wake us up ? Should I leave ? What about this tenancy? I don’t know want to wreck my credit score ? I love my partner but it has gotten out of control - I know I play a part in it too and we drink and argue . What do you think ? I’m concerned he will have thought I called the police- but I didn’t and wouldn’t have.

I am 30 and childless And before meeting my partner I was miserable . Now I am happy 90 percent

OP’s posts: |
GalOopNorth Tue 27-Oct-20 08:18:03

Leave. This is just the start.

Do NOT have children with this man.

VettiyaIruken Tue 27-Oct-20 08:18:15

In a good, respectful relationship, what you describe doesn't happen.
He hasn't hit you. Yet. Yet!

You need to think carefully and sensibly here.

pinkmonkey123 Tue 27-Oct-20 08:18:45

We have no kids*

OP’s posts: |
Cynara Tue 27-Oct-20 08:20:44

The fact that that you're "confused" about why your neighbour called the police having heard what you describe indicates that your ideas about what the parameters of a normal relationship look like are way off. This relationship is over, you really can't come back from what has happened here.

JeezLouisePlease Tue 27-Oct-20 08:21:17

It’s so sad that you’d settle for 90% happy. That’s a lot of unhappiness.

No, a normal relationship isn’t like this.
This is highly abnormal.
You are in an abusive relationship.
You either leave him or sign up to a life of eggshells and violence.

NerrSnerr Tue 27-Oct-20 08:23:17

Please leave. This is no way to live. He was shaking you and pulling you around. This won't get better and next time he may kill you.

MandosHatHair Tue 27-Oct-20 08:23:37

Leave, sorry if I am wrong but I get the impression from your post that you want children? This man is not a good choice to father children with, if he can be like this to you, he can be like this to a child and it is far easier to leave now than a few years down the line with a couple of children in tow.

This will not get any better, it will get worse, he didn't beat you this time, next time he might.

brokencrayons Tue 27-Oct-20 08:24:15

Address alcohol. Do you only argue when drunk?
People say awful things when drunk and act completely out of character.

It seems that what happened was pretty full on and scary.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale Tue 27-Oct-20 08:24:23

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Abuse is a crime - thats why the police came.

He didnt beat you up this time. What about next time? Do you find yourself changing your behaviour because you dont want him to set him off?

From what I can see he kicked off because you challenged him on his shitty behaviour. This does not node well. He is training you not to challenge him, not to voice your opinion in case of his reaction, thus making you responsible for his actions.

You need to leave him now. I know thats scarey and difficult but if you carry on then your mh will be much much worse and if there are kids and finances involved it will be even more so.

Call womens aid now and let them help you sort out this mess.

AvoidingRealHumans Tue 27-Oct-20 08:25:19

This is a toxic and abusive relationship and will not get better, it will only get worse.
No wonder your neighbours called the police, it is very frightening hearing all that go on.
I don't know the ins and outs regarding the tenancy, credit score etc but your safety and happiness is far more important. You need to take steps to end this relationship.

Cocothefirst Tue 27-Oct-20 08:26:26

You need to leave this man. This won't get any better <bitter experience>.

I'd also recommend signing up to the Freedom Programme.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Thesearmsofmine Tue 27-Oct-20 08:27:01

I’m glad your neighbours called the police. Leave him, do not get married or bring children into this toxic relationship.

Twizbe Tue 27-Oct-20 08:27:24

You change the locks and call women's aid.

You need to leave now.

grapewine Tue 27-Oct-20 08:29:18

You're basically saying that calling you a bitch and a cunt is OK because you're "difficult" (has he told you this?) and because he cooks and does some ironing.

You should want more for yourself and yourself and set your bar a lot higher. And definitely you should not have children with this person.

FancyNancyl Tue 27-Oct-20 08:33:36

He's not all great because he irons. He's cheated on you, he calls you a cunt and now he's attacked you.

He's been arrested because he attacked you. It's not unbelievable that he was arrested. It's not normal to attack people. Let alone women who you are supposed to love.

The being nice 90% of the time is not good enough! Imagine you went for a job at tesco and they said.
^
"Right, you will be working on the tills serving the customers 9-5. You get an hour for lunch at 12 and then at 3pm there is a 40 minutes session of the customers attacking you and calling you a cunt and kicking your door down and then back on your till for the last hour"^

RainingBatsAndFrogs Tue 27-Oct-20 08:34:47

Needing to seek counselling in the run up to marriage is a pretty strong signal that it is a marriage that should not take place.

So.

He calls you vicious sexist names
He loses his temper and caused to to be shaking and need to lock yourself in the bathroom, and he still carried on, trying to kick the door down.
He cheated on his ex.

There is nothing to be confused about. You cannot sell your safety and mental health for the price of a tenancy.

Go straight there NOW and see if you can arrange a break clause or if there is a cool off period.

In any case if this happens again the neighbours will complain. Of course they called the police and they did the right thing.

This is an abusive, toxic relationship. You need to recognise that before it robs you of the strength to rescue yourself.

CaptainMyCaptain Tue 27-Oct-20 08:36:45

Leave him. Your neighbours did absolutely the right thing calling the Police, you should thank them.

I would not tolerate being called a bitch or a cunt never mind the other things you describe.

Takethewinefromtheswine Tue 27-Oct-20 08:37:41

Why on earth would you want to commit to a whole life with him? Take this opportunity to cut him out and work on your own stuff.

Wolfiefan Tue 27-Oct-20 08:40:26

He doesn’t have a short temper. He’s abusive. There is no excuse for calling you those names.
He was shaking you and got you in a corner? That’s totally unacceptable.

Sunnydayhere Tue 27-Oct-20 08:41:03

1. Leave this person. He may have his good points but the bad ones, that you have just seen a sample of, will become the norm. And worse.

2. Leaving/saying its over may be hard but you know, we all know, that this isn’t a good wholesome relationship.

3. How was he/how were you going to de-escalate the situation. Reads like physical violence was a real possibility. Good job the police turned up when they did.

4. If I was your neighbour I’d have called the police.

5. Seek advice about the tenancy etc.

6. Wedding’s off.

MrsHSW Tue 27-Oct-20 08:43:39

Leave 100%. I don't care what kind of argument you might have had, it is not ok for someone to treat you like this - that must have been such a scary experience, I hope you are ok. Do you have any friends or family that you can speak to at this difficult time?

Can you get out of the tenancy agreement? Womens Aid may be able to advise. Find a new place you can afford that this man does not know about.

Sorry OP, this isn't a relationship that can be saved - you can and will be much happier away from him.

SoVeryQuiet Tue 27-Oct-20 08:44:14

You were shouting for help and your neighbour responded to that.

What's to be confused about?

Why are you tolerating this?

MitziK Tue 27-Oct-20 08:51:36

The only reason you weren't beaten to a pulp or strangled was because the police came just before he got through the bathroom door to you.

Because the neighbours heard your terrified screams, his yelling and the door being kicked in.

Let that sink in.

You're only posting here now because somebody saved your life. The neighbours and the police, to be precise.

ballsdeep Tue 27-Oct-20 08:54:15

You're mortified at your neighbour and not at your low life boyfriend? He will turn violent. Who the hell screams and shouts at someone huddled in a ball int he corner. A cock that's who. Is will hit you and it will get worsen good on your neighbour I say. Take this as a sign and get the hell out

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