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My DD is the favourite

(71 Posts)
MonicaBelulaGellar Sun 25-Oct-20 19:46:47

So my I have 2 siblings who both have 2 kids each, and I just have the one DD. They live 135 miles away from me and my parents (seperated). So my DD is a lot closer to her grandparents especially my dad. She is quite clearly the "favourite" he never misses a birthday or Christmas. However, he will occasionally send a late card or not send a present/money at all for my nieces and nephews. My mom never ever misses any of their birthdays or christmas and neither do I, i make A LOT of effort even though they make minimal back. Thats fine, I do it purely because how much I love and miss my nieces and nephews. I love my siblings dearly too we speak almost every day!
Here's my problem, they take it out on me the fact my dad doesnt really make the same amount of effort with their kids like he does with my DD. I know it must feel really shitty for them, I understand but it's not my fault. I do my part, I remind my dad every of every single birthday, offer to get gifts and post them but he always says he will send cash and forget even though I constantly remind him. Every single Christmas I go out shopping for their 4 kids on behalf of my dad, gift wrap and bag everything. But it's not good enough, because no matter what dad does its never enough. My one sibling ALWAYS messages me asking how much my DD got on birthdays/xmas so he can compare. I feel horrible, I really am trying my best to include them and push my dad into stop being so naughty. I spoil both my parents, I adore them and I feel as if they give my daughter more because of this? I make a lot more effort than my siblings, which again I understand is easier as I am the one around them. They too dont send my dad cards or gifts, my eldest sibling doesnt even send my mom a card. It's all to much and I'm sick of getting the blame even though I try to be the peacemaker and make sure no one is left out. I'd feel the same as them, it must feel horrible, but they never tell our dad its always me who get s it. It really bothers me I love my family so much and I look after everybody. I'll never stop trying to make this right, I just really needed to get this off my chest as yet again the issue has been brought up again today. (

OP’s posts: |
FingersCrossedForAllOfUs Sun 25-Oct-20 23:50:06

I’m sorry to hear this OP, it is awful when you are made to be piggy in the middle by all sides, you just want them all to grow up.
I’m not sure what to suggest for the best but here are some ideas.
1. Tell your Dad not to buy for you and your DD any more because of all the upset it is causing.
2. Tell your siblings to speak directly to your Dad every time they are unhappy about this issue and stop telling them what you have been given. Just explain that it is not your fault, you love them all and can’t stand all this bickering.
3. Stop buying stuff on your Dad’s behalf, it still isn’t enough for them and isn’t your responsibility.
4. Have a proper sit down talk with your Dad and tell him how much upset this is all causing. He needs to understand the consequences.
5. Take a big step back, remove yourself from the situation, it is not your fault and not your fight. Don’t get involved any further. Change the subject every time it is raised and if that doesn’t stop it say you will speak to them another time until they get the message.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 26-Oct-20 01:23:46

Good advice from PP.
Do you have brothers or sisters.
If it’s brothers that you have that could explain it. Grandparents are usually always closer to their daughters kids. Plus your little one is the only GC who lives nearby. The bond is bound to be stronger.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 26-Oct-20 01:25:17

Im not going to lie to you though and of course it’s not your fault. However I can understand their upset, though.

NoSquirrels Mon 26-Oct-20 01:38:37

Every single Christmas I go out shopping for their 4 kids on behalf of my dad, gift wrap and bag everything. But it's not good enough, because no matter what dad does its never enough.

Well... your dad doesn’t actually do anything, eh?

You remind him - about birthdays and he forgets...

You have to take yourself out of it entirely. Stop reminding, stop buying presents.

This is not your fight to win on behalf of your father. Perhaps your siblings are justified to think he favours one grandchild over the others? You know they are really.

What you need - and everyone needs- is that everyone understands that you are not your father. It’s especially difficult if you’re the only daughter (& I’d lay bets you are).

they never tell our dad its always me who get s it. It really bothers me I love my family so much and I look after everybody.

Drop the rope.

You don’t need to facilitate the relationship between your siblings/nieces & nephews and your dad.

One reminder for birthdays. No reminders for Christmas/Eid/Hanukkah/Diwali etc.

It’s not about your DD and don’t let anyone guilt trip you otherwise.

If you want to not be drawn into it, first you need to not be the family backstop. You aren’t your father’s communication secretary or your siblings news channel. Be firm and stop giving as much of a shit.

Anordinarymum Mon 26-Oct-20 01:41:25

My mother had favourite grandchildren. She made no secret of the fact that she preferred my sister's children to mine. It was not my sister's fault and I never blamed her at all.

My mother was deliberately mean unlike your dad so it was easy for me to understand and in the end I cut her off so she could not continue to hurt us.

I can see your predicament. It's one of those situations where you are in the wrong no matter what you do. I suggest you tell your siblings exactly how you feel and tell them it is not your responsibility to keep the peace here. What else can you do ?

katy1213 Mon 26-Oct-20 01:56:52

Step back and stop managing other people's relationships. Your siblings don't make much effort with your dad and he reciprocates. And sometimes people simply like one child more than another. I know I do!

lakesidewinter Mon 26-Oct-20 01:57:05

My DM has a favorite GC. It is totally blatant.
It irritates all the other siblings but we don't take it out on the favorite child's parent.
But we do all talk about it including the favorite child's parent that helps to take the sting out of it.
We all acknowledge that it is unfair on the grandchildren.

Anordinarymum Mon 26-Oct-20 02:09:25

What a complicated mess some people create ! Family relationships can be so fragile.

When I was a child my grandmother preferred my brother to me and
I knew it. My mother preferred him also. When my grandmother became infirm I was the one who went up to her house every night and filled her hot water bottle.
I was the one who went into her house on Sunday morning to dress her and help her get ready for church. Slowly she warmed to me and our relationship was good, but it took a long time.

On the other side of the family, my paternal grandparents favoured me over the others but that was because they knew what kind of a life I had at home, and my mother wasted no time jibing about it at every opportunity. She created a situation where my siblings did not talk to me, making me feel bad.

None of this was my fault. I was just a child being brought up in a big political emotional mess.

I made sure my children did not have to put up with shit like this. It's pathetic of your siblings to behave in this way. I would be making sure they never said a word to your daughter, not ever.

Famousinlove Mon 26-Oct-20 02:53:46

If a sibling asked me that I would say 'cant remember, ask DF' and either stay out of it or tell them to make more of an effort with DF if they wanted the effort back

Its hard to forge a good relationship with people you hardly speak to/see so it isn't surprising that they have a better relationship imo

Jenasaurus Mon 26-Oct-20 03:47:00

My DM said she loved all the GC but loved my eldest DS like a son. I lived with her after he was born for 3 years as our home was being renovated and we ran out of money to finish it for a while, so 3 weeks after having him turned into 3 years and she developed a strong bond with him. She cried when we moved out. The other GC were aware of this, but she was a loving GM to all of them and I suppose couldnt help her feelings as she was in his life for the first 3 years in a way that she wasnt with the others.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 26-Oct-20 03:58:29

If they call you up to rant, make your excuses and say oh dear, got to go, the food is burning or dd has hurt herself etc. I will get back to you. Then send a text something like. “I have tried very hard to get dad to treat everyone the same. I understand you are hurt. I am too on x and y’s behalf. I do remind dad to send the children presents. If he doesn’t, that is between you and him.” You then maintain this line and rinse, repeat the same theme.

Then when they go apeshit at getting nothing in future, they will know how much effort you used to put in. Then you can say, “oh dear, I reminded dad, speak to him“. Rinse. Repeat.

What I don’t understand is why they’re not adult enough to pick up the phone and call your dad themselves and remind him. I take it they don’t have much of a relationship with your dad, don’t call him often etc. It feels to me that they want him to prove they are loved the same but not make any effort. It’s magical thinking and not all parents will act like this. Other parents will treat their children and off spring exactly the same even if they are nc.

MessAllOver Mon 26-Oct-20 04:26:39

Tell your siblings to stop putting you in the middle. Make it clear that you disagree with your dad's actions but tell them to take it up with him. Ask them what they think you can do about it, given that you already remind and organise presents where you can.

lborgia Mon 26-Oct-20 04:55:31

Just STOP. No one thanks you for all your efforts, all you get is ranting and whinging. It’s not your fault(unless it is somehow?!), just stop.

Surely you have a shed load to do, without wrapping pretend presents and acting as a central whipping boy?! Obviously do as above, and just bumble on about “ooh, I don’t know”, but I”d be so tempted to tell them to fucking grow up and talk directly to their father.

And I say this as someone who is definitely the black sheep.

Mumdiva99 Mon 26-Oct-20 05:07:16

The bit that stood out for me here is that they don't send your dad cards or gifts. So why do they expect stuff from him? There is no right to a present. If they made the same effort with your dad that you do then he.might reciprocate.

You don't need to do anything. Just tell your siblings to speak to dad about it.

MonicaBelulaGellar Mon 26-Oct-20 06:39:03

Thanks all for being so nice with you replys!

Yes you guessed right I am the only daughter, I'm the youngest also and me and my DD lived with my dad for a year also. He loves her like a daughter, still no excuse.

Well... your dad doesn’t actually do anything, eh?
No not really but I mean even when he does send gifts I still get a call moaning about the amount he spent "how much did your DD get from dad because my DD only got this much"

They are terrible at making effort back and I think this is what's its dwindled into and I'm piggy in the middle. My dad gave my eldest DB a career and taught him a skill that now earns him a good wage and has never recieved a thank you (long backstory that might be too outing). When they both come home to visit, they will only visit my mom and not him.

This year I've actually said to my dad "please just send DGC a gift and a card because I can't cope with the stress or blame anymore" and explained what's been said over the year. He promised he would transfer over some money and send a card, then the card was sent to the wrong address and 2 weeks after my DN birthday I heard him say that he still needs to send over some money for him! Oh i just give up.

I take it they don’t have much of a relationship with your dad, don’t call him often etc. It feels to me that they want him to prove they are loved the same but not make any effort.

They used to, my eldest DB worked with him for a long time and it broke my dads heart when he moved away. They expect my dad to do all the running, with nothing in return. My dad unfortunately had Covid a few months back, i told them both and I was shocked at there response. Basically why should they care? And didnt call him or even text. I lost it with the both of them that night. You see they arent biologically my dads, he met my mom when she was a single mother with nothing. He worked day and night to provide a home and food for them, he gave them everything.

Sorry for the long reply/rant. I just get very frustrated!

OP’s posts: |
MonicaBelulaGellar Mon 26-Oct-20 06:44:08

My DM even has the hide the fact shes had my daughter overnight etc (very rare) and the fact she helps with childcare so I can work! And by childcare i mean drop my DD to nursery 4 times a month, but we have to lie about it incase we upset them! They live 3.5 hours away what can we do? I feel like yes my DF is in the wrong but they need to stop controlling and getting jealous at the fact my DD has a relationship with her DGP. It's not just about the gifts it seems to be we can do no right me or my DD.

OP’s posts: |
SBTLove Mon 26-Oct-20 06:47:12

I don’t think your dad is at fault here, neither of your DB visit him or send him a card yet expect him to be lavishing their kids??
They are a pair of hypocrites.

MessAllOver Mon 26-Oct-20 06:51:23

I really do think you should reduce contact with them. They're using you as an emotional punch-bag because you let them. Keep in touch if you must but put some boundaries in place. And enjoy your relationships with your parents that you've invested in.

If they criticise your DD being the favourite, tell them, "Well you know where Mum and Dad lives, the door is always open to you if you want to build a relationship between your children and their grandparents. I know they'd be pleased to see you". Then leave it at that. Any complaints, tell them to take it up with your parents.

TobblyBobbly Mon 26-Oct-20 06:51:50

Step back and stop managing other peoples relationships

This. Honestly OP, you're running around trying to fix everything and your siblings are still cross with you! Just step back and try to stop worrying about it. You can't force people to be the perfect family.

Frdd Mon 26-Oct-20 06:53:02

Do they have a relationship with their bio dad?

It is a bit shit of your dad that he isn’t bothered and I’m sure they see it as because they aren’t his bio kids.

If I was you I’d step away and leave them all to it

Frdd Mon 26-Oct-20 06:55:08

This stood out for me

You see they arent biologically my dads, he met my mom when she was a single mother with nothing. He worked day and night to provide a home and food for them, he gave them everything.


Perhaps they don’t see it quite as you do.

devildeepbluesea Mon 26-Oct-20 06:56:33

Mumdiva99

The bit that stood out for me here is that they don't send your dad cards or gifts. So why do they expect stuff from him? There is no right to a present. If they made the same effort with your dad that you do then he.might reciprocate.

You don't need to do anything. Just tell your siblings to speak to dad about it.

That's what stood out for me too. They live over 100 miles away ( nothing wrong in principle with that but I am inferring that they don't really bother to maintain contact) and do bugger all for your father whilst you run around like a blue arsed fly doing his shopping and generally having his back.

Not suggesting for a moment that this is acceptable from your father, but neither is it acceptable behaviour from your siblings. It's entitlement.

MonicaBelulaGellar Mon 26-Oct-20 07:07:02

You can't force people to be the perfect family. not trying to be perfect, I'm just trying to stop my loved ones feeling hurt. I'm not doing it for myself.

*Do they have a relationship with their bio dad?

It is a bit shit of your dad that he isn’t bothered and I’m sure they see it as because they aren’t his bio kids.*

They have no relationship with their bio dad, he left them with nothing and never had any contact since the day my mom left. My dad happily raised them and has never once said to me "well they aren't mine". I really hope they dont feel like it's because of this that's heartbreaking. But even still they need to put in more effort too my dad really does love them both. Dad needs to stop being naughty too!

OP’s posts: |
Frdd Mon 26-Oct-20 07:09:04

I just think how it would feel t9 he told you had to be grateful because he wasn’t their real dad. And how many times they’ve had that hinted at in the years.

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