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I just want my dd and my STBEH to move out.

(148 Posts)
Spongebobs Mon 19-Oct-20 15:03:20

I know I’m going to sound awful but I’m just emotionally drained. Dd1 is mid twenties. I just want to be left alone with my other two younger dc.

I called time on my marriage about six weeks ago because I realised DH took the piss out of my life so much. Lying, lazy unpredictable. The day after dd1 had to move back in.

I really struggled in Lock down and I think I’ve got mild depression. I’m also trying to set up my new business which involves a ridiculous amount of paper work. Kids are off school for two weeks - I’m frazzled.

Dd1 eating disorder has reared its head again which I think it’s due to her work issues. I’ve spoken to her about it but she denies there is an issue and will not see a councillor which I will pay for. So she is over eating then bringing it all back up then an hour later eating again and so on. She’s hiding it well but I know the signs well. She’s very highly strung and I cannot say anything to her that is not pro dd as she accused me of having a go at her or being patronising. She’s hostile with the younger dc to the point she can be quite oppressive and they are avoiding her.

I’ve been trying to get her out of the house as much as I can by inviting her out on walks with my friends but she can be quite hostile to me for example -

She was taking selfies of her self whilst we were out with friends. Fair enough. But they were posed pouty shots, coat hanging off one shoulder, pulling the fur from her hood up around under her jaw like we was on a modelling shoot. I took some pics but I quietly said ‘ok enough now it’s a bit embarrassing’. She said really loudly ‘No YOUR embarrassing and walked off. My friends didn’t know where to look. She came back stoney faced and refused to talk to me the rest of the afternoon which was really awkward.

I don’t know how to bridge the gap. I feel like I shouldn’t have to keep pacifying a 25 year old when she is so hostile to me all the time. She’s had a great life. I don’t feel like I deserve this shit. I feel like both of them are treating me like a dickhead when in reality I’ve done fucking everything for them both.

I know I sound horrible but I just feel done today.

OP’s posts: |
Motnight Mon 19-Oct-20 15:15:57

Op, your dd has not had a great life if she has a recurring eating disorder. Don't confuse this either with you doing everything for her or the situation with your ex.

It sounds as though you are being pulled in different directions, and have lots of stress. What would happen if you made it a condition of your dd staying with you that she sought help? It's not fair that her siblings are having to put up with her behaviour, and something has to change.

Hopefully someone will come along with some helpful advice. It must be very hard for you all at the moment.

Spongebobs Mon 19-Oct-20 15:25:19

Motnight

Op, your dd has not had a great life if she has a recurring eating disorder. Don't confuse this either with you doing everything for her or the situation with your ex.

It sounds as though you are being pulled in different directions, and have lots of stress. What would happen if you made it a condition of your dd staying with you that she sought help? It's not fair that her siblings are having to put up with her behaviour, and something has to change.

Hopefully someone will come along with some helpful advice. It must be very hard for you all at the moment.

The first time I caught her bringing food up she was 18 and trying to lose weight even though she was a size 10 I could understand if she’d had any kind of terrible up bringing or trauma that’s what I meant.

She’s moving back to the city in Mid Nov she she is just waiting it out here really. I don’t want to give her ultimatums, they don’t work plus I don’t want to burn bridges with her

OP’s posts: |
giantangryrooster Mon 19-Oct-20 15:42:59

Lots of emotional things going on for both you and your dd. As far as I know eating disorders often occur when the sufferer sees it as the only thing they can control. So your dd probably is suffering quite a bit, perhaps even blaming your for breaking up her family, and her goto is to control her food and lashing out at you teenage style.

I'm not knowledgeable with this, my only suggestion is to control how much food she can access and suggest therapy once again.

Apart from that you sound worn out, try to compartmentalize your tasks to get an overview. Excersise and try breathing excersises too, just so you feel a little calmer thanks.

Milkshake7489 Mon 19-Oct-20 15:47:40

Im sorry you are struggling but I think you are minimising your daughter's issues. To echo PP, she hasn't had a great life... she has a recurring eating disorder. This is serious and requires support from medical services and, ideally, her family.

She may be 25 but she's still your daughter. Please try and help her.

unmarkedbythat Mon 19-Oct-20 15:50:02

You don't sound awful, you sound exhausted.

throwaway100000 Mon 19-Oct-20 15:54:09

I think your comment about her taking selfies was rude to be frank.

You saying to her that you feel embarrassed because she took a photo of herself in front of your friends is weird. It comes across as arrogant and patronising. Why would that embarrass you? Why would your friends even care? If anything, you embarrassed her by “calling her out”.

Your daughter is someone who has poor self image (in the form of an eating disorder), surely you should be happy she feels comfortable enough to take a photo of herself as it shows that she might be getting more confident? As opposed to having crippling anxiety whenever a camera is around and actively avoiding photographs. You made her feel more self conscious

itsafig Mon 19-Oct-20 16:00:35

OP I feel for you, your situation sounds not ideal and you must be exhausted. I agree with PPs that your daughter needs help with her eating disorder, and she also needs to understand it's not ok to lash out at her siblings.

However, I'm not sure why you object to the selfies? Surely that's got nothing to do with you - just let her pose away and take photos, what's the problem? I'm early 30s and don't take selfies, but I'd be annoyed if my mum told me it was enough and I was embarrassing, that's so rude and unnecessary. Your daughter is probably feeling super sensitive at the moment about her appearance/size, and the selfies might be her way of feeling better about herself. Just let her!

Also, if she's moving out middle of November that's really not that long. For the sake of your future relationship, I'd suggest picking your battles and addressing only the issues that are really important, namely her eating disorder.

user1471538283 Mon 19-Oct-20 16:02:17

You sound exhausted and I get that. You may be like me and most of my friends, moved out and running our homes by your DDs age. It must be hard because you've got the stress of everything at the moment. Once your DD has moved back out you can focus on the rest.

IMNOTSHOUTING Mon 19-Oct-20 16:07:19

It sounds incredibly difficuly OP and you sound justifiably exhausted. I agree with PP that eating disorders, depression or other mental health issues don't just emerge from troubled homes. People can have low self esteem for all kinds of reasons and some people are just born more prone to eating disorders and find stress more difficult to tolerate.

I would say pick your battles. Lashing out at younger siblings is definitely not OK, taking selfies, probably seems out of place among middle aged women but ultimately isn't doing any harm. The eating disorder is incredibly difficult if she has no interest in addressing it. I would seek professional advice about how to help someone with an eating disorder. It's definitely not going to be easy.

SunbathingDragon Mon 19-Oct-20 16:07:47

I agree that you sound exhausted and that’s understandable and fair enough. Hopefully your ex will move out soon which will make things easier for you.

Your DD needs support. I’m another one saying she hasn’t had a great life if she has a reoccurring eating disorder and I also don’t see the issue with the selfies. Comments like that would have lowered my self esteem and impacted things like an eating disorder. As you don’t want to say anything to her and she is moving out in a month, I hope you can find a peaceful way of living together until that time comes.

Butterfly3105 Mon 19-Oct-20 16:09:55

Sorry but why did you feel the need to say to your twenty year old daughter with an eating disorder she's embarrasing herself? Do you not think she might be sensitive enough? Think behaviour like that adds to stress because you're creating a hostile environment probably best she move out

Spongebobs Mon 19-Oct-20 16:13:33

throwaway100000

I think your comment about her taking selfies was rude to be frank.

You saying to her that you feel embarrassed because she took a photo of herself in front of your friends is weird. It comes across as arrogant and patronising. Why would that embarrass you? Why would your friends even care? If anything, you embarrassed her by “calling her out”.

Your daughter is someone who has poor self image (in the form of an eating disorder), surely you should be happy she feels comfortable enough to take a photo of herself as it shows that she might be getting more confident? As opposed to having crippling anxiety whenever a camera is around and actively avoiding photographs. You made her feel more self conscious

Ok. There is a difference between taking a selfie and then doing a modelling shoot. Where she is crouching down doing poses and I’m stood there taking them looking like a lemon whilst we’re just trying to walk . She’s 25. It was embarrassing. And I didn’t ‘call her out’, like I said - I said quietly ok that’s enough it’s embarrassing. No one would have heard. They were all stood back watching bemused.

OP’s posts: |
Spongebobs Mon 19-Oct-20 16:16:12

user1471538283

You sound exhausted and I get that. You may be like me and most of my friends, moved out and running our homes by your DDs age. It must be hard because you've got the stress of everything at the moment. Once your DD has moved back out you can focus on the rest.

Yes I was and I think I struggle with it.

OP’s posts: |
potter5 Mon 19-Oct-20 16:17:14

Your daughter is leaving again mid November.
Can you hang on until then?

itsafig Mon 19-Oct-20 16:18:18

OP it's not necessarily your friends hearing the comment that's the problem. The comment itself is hurtful and rude. I still think there was no need for it, especially given she's already struggling with her image. If you feel embarrassed you don't have to invite her to walks with your friends. You could just go for walks the two of you.

Spongebobs Mon 19-Oct-20 16:20:36

I have tried helping. When she was 18 the GP didn’t want to know as she was an adult and not under weight. She will not go to a councillor.

She won’t admit it’s no ok to bring your food up.

OP’s posts: |
workshy44 Mon 19-Oct-20 16:21:04

Op I don't know why you are getting a hard time. She is 25 and she is acting like a spoilt teenager, a rude one at that. I can totally get why you feel underappreciated, put upon and that your work will never be done having to still manage a 25 year old adults behavior

I know people are saying you have to help but I'm not sure what you can do if she won't help herself or accept help and accept she has a problem.
Also , totally get the selfie thing.. I would be mortified if my 25 year old behaved that way. To be honest it is something a 14 year old would do. Maybe if she was out with friends but not in the company of her mothers friends, totally inapprioate

Spongebobs Mon 19-Oct-20 16:22:38

potter5

Your daughter is leaving again mid November.
Can you hang on until then?

Yes I will do. I did actually tell her to stay here and get used to family life. But she prefers the city. I’ve also said I’ll be worried about sending her off knowing she is being sick again. But it really pisses her off if I bring it up. The younger DC irritate her.

OP’s posts: |
Spongebobs Mon 19-Oct-20 16:27:48

workshy44

Op I don't know why you are getting a hard time. She is 25 and she is acting like a spoilt teenager, a rude one at that. I can totally get why you feel underappreciated, put upon and that your work will never be done having to still manage a 25 year old adults behavior

I know people are saying you have to help but I'm not sure what you can do if she won't help herself or accept help and accept she has a problem.
Also , totally get the selfie thing.. I would be mortified if my 25 year old behaved that way. To be honest it is something a 14 year old would do. Maybe if she was out with friends but not in the company of her mothers friends, totally inapprioate

Thank you.

Yes I felt the was absolutely cringing.

OP’s posts: |
DishingOutDone Mon 19-Oct-20 16:34:50

There is so much information available now about bulimia, FFS Freddie Flintoff made a documentary about it that was only shown on V a couple of weeks ago - so why do people still think that sufferers should just pull themselves together?! Its incredibly hard to get treatment for it - especially if you don't have anyone on your side supporting you. "Acting like a spoilt teenager"? hmm

picklemewalnuts Mon 19-Oct-20 16:34:51

There's a difference between taking your own selfies endlessly, and getting your mum to take them for you. I think I'd have said 'last one now' and just handed the phone back and walked away.

DishingOutDone Mon 19-Oct-20 16:35:10

(shown on TV that should say)

Butterfly3105 Mon 19-Oct-20 16:39:45

@Spongebobs even now you sound like you’re making fun of your daughter, “Thank you I was absolutely cringing” “She was so embarrassing” imagine if she could see all this or knew what you were saying?
I’m not surprised she has an eating disorder If I’m honest

marshmallow95 Mon 19-Oct-20 16:40:21

'ok that's enough its embarrassing' hmm I would not like it if my mum said this to me, you're calling her out and if anything you are embarrassing her by saying that. It's unnecessary and would feel like an attack to be told you are 'embarrassing' someone.

I find it sad that after 25 years of being her mother, you aren't able to be there to support her and talk to her about her eating disorder. I saw you say in a previous comment that she started binging / purging at age 18 'to lose weight'. As someone who has recovered from a severe eating disorder, I would encourage you to look further into eating disorders - they are rarely just about weight.

From what you've written here, you don't seem like a very supportive or nice mother. I bet she is just as desperate to move out as you are.

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