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Was the sexual assault or am I just an idiot?

(33 Posts)
user191264 Tue 06-Oct-20 09:41:22

I have no idea where to post this. And I have name changed.

I am 30 years old and didn't think about this for all these years until I saw the man who did this about 3 years ago.

When I was 13 I was so naive and hadn't even kissed a boy. Me and my Friend met a group of boys a year older and hung around with them for a few weeks (when I say hung around I literally mean barely spoke just hung around in the group)

One day they asked me to meet and I went, we got on a bus and I didn't know where we was going (felt to scared to ask). They took me to an empty house (one of theirs) and one of the boys asked me to give him oral sex. I became really scared and i knew I was in a terrible situation. I didn't know how to do that or what to do but I said yes out of panic. Without going into detail You can imagine it wasn't very successful. But I knew all the friends were watching and laughing behind me. I was so humiliated and terrified. Thank god there wasn't camera phones back then.

I can't even remember how I managed to get out of there.

I feel like this is my fault because I said yes, even though I said yes out of fear.

Can anyone help me clarify my feelings. Now I have my own daughter I feel differently about it, like this wouldn't be her fault.

OP’s posts: |
Lollyneenah Tue 06-Oct-20 09:52:17

Bless you. So he was 14? It sounds fucking awful for you OP, no it wasnt your fault. They behaved like animals. I'm sorry you went through such a horrible thing x

Lollyneenah Tue 06-Oct-20 09:53:13

But to answer your question, yes I think it was a sexual assault

DaisyDreaming Tue 06-Oct-20 09:56:50

There’s no doubt what so ever you were sexually assaulted

DaisyDreaming Tue 06-Oct-20 09:57:44

I’m sorry you went through that and that having a daughter is bringing back the memories. flowers

Mamette Tue 06-Oct-20 10:03:08

I feel like this is my fault because I said yes, even though I said yes out of fear.

It wasn’t your fault.

Is there anyone IRL you can talk to about this?

HollowTalk Tue 06-Oct-20 10:05:02

There's absolutely no doubt this was sexual assault.

ginghamtablecloths Tue 06-Oct-20 10:09:05

Yes, it was sexual assault. Please don't blame yourself for this. You were young, scared and innocent - weren't we all once? He knew all that and took advantage, knowing full well that you would be too scared to say no, complain or fight back. This was despicable of him.

I'm guessing that you may have come across as shy and timid and therefore an easy target. I was once. Some advice I heard - learn the mistake, forget the lesson. Be strong OP and teach your daughter to stick up for herself. flowers

Ohjustboreoff Tue 06-Oct-20 10:17:25

It was horrid what you went through but according to law no you were not sexually assaulted. If your OP is as you described you did not say no or try to get away and were held back or forced to give oral sex. I don't say this to take away from you how scared you must have been but if the lads were around your age and they asked and you gave saying they should have known you didn't want to isn't the same as saying or acting like you don't want too. You were not sexually assaulted.

user191264 Tue 06-Oct-20 10:20:39

Thank you all for your kind responses

Yes this is why I can't get my head around it @Ohjustboreoff

OP’s posts: |
HelloMoto3 Tue 06-Oct-20 10:24:38

The above is wrong because a child under 16 cannot consent to sexual activity. Yes it is potentially unlikely a prosecution would be pursued in the circumstances but it is a sexual assault.

Ohjustboreoff Tue 06-Oct-20 10:28:22

@HelloMoto3 both sound like they were under 16 are you thinking the OP sexually assaulted the lad as he was under 16 and she gave him oral sex? See it can be seen as both ways

BogRollBOGOF Tue 06-Oct-20 10:29:34

Ohjustboreoff

It was horrid what you went through but according to law no you were not sexually assaulted. If your OP is as you described you did not say no or try to get away and were held back or forced to give oral sex. I don't say this to take away from you how scared you must have been but if the lads were around your age and they asked and you gave saying they should have known you didn't want to isn't the same as saying or acting like you don't want too. You were not sexually assaulted.

You are wrong.

Consent was not freely given and it was a situation of coercion where there is a power imbalance and fear of the consequences rather than a free choice to accept or not.

If you're walking down the street and a group of people come up to you demanding your phone, and they are physically intimidating although making no explicit threat, do you hand it over out of fear that the situation could escalate, argue the point or say "yeah, have it as a free gift, no crime is committed".

jdoejnr1 Tue 06-Oct-20 10:35:55

@BogRollBOGOF

Where has the OP said anything like that? In the example you gave there was fear of violence there's no suggestion of that here. Besides, whether or not it was legally sexual assault changes nothing. Its happened and its how the OP fells now and how she can be helped thats more important.

OP this is clearly affecting you and MN is unlikely to help you process the feelings you have right now. I urge you to seek some professional help be that counselling or something else.

user191264 Tue 06-Oct-20 10:42:37

I wouldn't say that I feel I need to talk to anyone about it. It's just something that I want to process in my head. Was it my fault or not.

I can cope with accepting I was stupid and naive.

I feel like they knew what they were doing was wrong. But maybe if I said no nothing would of happened and I would of just gone home. I guess I will never know.

OP’s posts: |
jdoejnr1 Tue 06-Oct-20 10:45:22

user191264

I wouldn't say that I feel I need to talk to anyone about it. It's just something that I want to process in my head. Was it my fault or not.

I can cope with accepting I was stupid and naive.

I feel like they knew what they were doing was wrong. But maybe if I said no nothing would of happened and I would of just gone home. I guess I will never know.

I certainly wasn't your fault and you should not feel guilty about what happened.

CorianderLord Tue 06-Oct-20 10:56:49

It's not your fault.

I'd say this fell under coercion - because while you said yes, you were fearful, you felt afraid to say no. So it's not really a choice is it.

CorianderLord Tue 06-Oct-20 11:00:04

It's unlikely they would be prosecuted, as they were also underage and would argue they didn't realise they were coercing you. But, this doesn't mean that you aren't traumatised by the event and you should seek help as someone who has suffered an assault as that is how it has affected you.

LaBellina Tue 06-Oct-20 11:02:56

You were in a vulnerable and possibly dangerous situation. You did what you did because you were forced to do it. Possibly you felt that if you said no, much worse things could have happened. So you were absolutely not in a position to give consent and I'm really sorry for you that you had to go trough that. You were young and vulnerable and they took advantage of that.
They were disgusting and belong to the lowest of lowest scum. You did nothing wrong so please stop blaming yourself flowers

notmyhusbandsproperty Tue 06-Oct-20 11:02:56

Absolutely not your fault. You were in fear of violence. Be kind to yourself OP. XX

jdoejnr1 Tue 06-Oct-20 11:07:01

notmyhusbandsproperty

Absolutely not your fault. You were in fear of violence. Be kind to yourself OP. XX

Where does the OP say that. You adding things you don't know won't help her process how she's feeling.

CorianderLord Tue 06-Oct-20 11:08:37

@jdoejnr1 well, she said she became really scared and realised she was in a terrible situation.

That implies she feared violence, or being prevented from leaving or some other harm to befall her.

jdoejnr1 Tue 06-Oct-20 11:12:00

CorianderLord

*@jdoejnr1* well, she said she became really scared and realised she was in a terrible situation.

That implies she feared violence, or being prevented from leaving or some other harm to befall her.

It implies any things. Projecting personal interpretations does nothing to help the OP and risks confusing them even more.

Cavagirl Tue 06-Oct-20 11:15:08

Oh my goodness no it was not your fault
I remember meeting a 17 year old at the arcade aged 13, nothing happened but I gave him my phone number and he kept calling the house to chat. It was pretty innocent but I definitely wasn't ready for a boyfriend and had no idea how to ask him to stop so would continue taking the calls. Eventually my DM had to ask him to stop calling!
So what you describe, I would have absolutely no idea how to stand up for myself and say no in that situation aged 13. I'm so sorry that happened to you flowers

CorianderLord Tue 06-Oct-20 11:21:32

@jdoejnr1 ok so what was she scared of then? Being embarrassed? Shamed? Yelled at? Still not OK.

She felt threatened in some way and was 13 surrounded by multiple older boys - therefore coercion in my eyes.

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