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Want a baby but fiance makes excuses not to

(185 Posts)
Marison Sun 04-Oct-20 19:14:22

So I've been with my partner now for 7.5 years, we were meant to be married in May this year but Covid put a stop to that. It's currently been postponed for 2021 however we have been told that we will need to postpone again if we want the numbers we have already. That in itself is fine.

I've wanted a baby for last 4 years and the OH has said that we could try after the wedding. But as its not going to be another 2 years away I've asked to have one now. We are in a good place and have our own home and he knows how much I want to be a mam.

But he keeps coming up with excuses to not try for a baby. Using covid, or that he needs to mentally prepare himself (not like we had been planning it and technically be trying at this point anyway) or cause I'm studying at uni (my masters from home, fully funded too). Just random excuses to not try until after the wedding which will be 2 years away.

I have the implant and have always promised to not take it out until he is ready but I feel like he is being so unfair. A wedding makes no difference at this point. He's asked me to wait 4 years already, even tho I'm only 25 I just don't know how he can expect me to wait another 2 years.

Am I just being dramatic? I don't want to take implant out with out him knowing cause he could hold it against me. I'm such a maternal person, only one of my siblings without a child. I don't know what to do now

OP’s posts: |
AllsortsofAwkward Sun 04-Oct-20 19:17:30

I'm afraid you're needs dont trump his your only young plus youre doing a masters.

JoJoSM2 Sun 04-Oct-20 19:18:53

You can’t just get the implant removed without him knowing - that would be beyond deceitful and horrible.

It’s just a shame that he isn’t ready and you are. If the wedding is the mental stumbling block, can’t you just have a smaller one and get on with it?

ivfbeenbusy Sun 04-Oct-20 19:21:19

You're still young in TTC terms. I'd go ahead with the wedding in May 2021 with the lower guest numbers and save yourself the money! But make it clear to your partner that children ARE on the agenda and you won't be fobbed off with a "let's wait a few years" - if he's going to do that I'd seriously reconsider marrying a man who might string you along for 5 years

Twizbe Sun 04-Oct-20 19:23:27

You have to listen to your OH on this one. If he isn't ready, you wait. 2 years isn't that long (I was married at 27 after 8 years together) and in 2 years you'll have finished uni and have a job with maternity leave. You'll be married and that sounds important to him and there hopefully won't be so many covid restrictions.

I know it's hard when you're broody but you have to listen to him on this one

Marison Sun 04-Oct-20 19:26:08

The biggest kick is that he has been saying how excited he is to be a dad over the last few months. And that he can't wait for us to have a family. He's already asked me to wait 4 years, we should have been married twice over by now, I don't see why the wedding makes any difference.

OP’s posts: |
Marison Sun 04-Oct-20 19:26:56

I am also employed so financially we are doing really well

OP’s posts: |
HerrenaHarridan Sun 04-Oct-20 19:27:07

If he isn’t ready you can’t make him. It will be awful.

Also you don’t have to spend your fertile years living on promises.

I recently encouraged a significantly older friend to go down the sperm donor route and tell her partner to get on board or get out.

It’s ok to set your own boundary and decided at which point you are doing it with or without him... but you have to be willing to sacrifice the relationship not just having a temper

BubblyBarbara Sun 04-Oct-20 19:27:57

But as its not going to be another 2 years away I've asked to have one now

You’ve asked to have a baby? It should be a joint decision rather than like asking if you’re allowed to buy new curtains grin If you are really broody I would maybe try your luck stopping taking the pill and having an “accident”. We’ve done this for years but obviously the modern politically correct types will have their nose put out of joint by it. Alternatively wait until he’s on board ideally

RedskyAtnight Sun 04-Oct-20 19:28:55

He's not ready for a child - his reasons don't really matter. So if you're not prepared to wait you need to break up with him. You are young to have wanted a baby for 4 years (so since you were 21?) - maybe it's worth thinking about what goals you have in life, rather than simply wanting to be a mum.

PurpleDaisies Sun 04-Oct-20 19:29:27

He doesn’t want a baby now. That’s absolutely fine.

You are free to decide to move on and find a new partner if that’s not ok with you.

PurpleDaisies Sun 04-Oct-20 19:30:21

If you are really broody I would maybe try your luck stopping taking the pill and having an “accident

Do not do this. Disgusting behaviour.

WeeMadArthur Sun 04-Oct-20 19:30:25

When does your masters finish? I would tell him that as the wedding has been postponed that you would like to start trying straight after you complete your masters, because at that point you might find that he still refuses because he doesnt actually want to try at all. Then at least you have space before the wedding to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not, and gives you more time to decide what to do.

Marison Sun 04-Oct-20 19:30:48

I know exactly what goals I have and I have been achieving them! I'm one year away from being a lecturer, I'm currently a secondary school teacher and have my own home. It's not a case of just wanting to be a mam for the sake of it.

OP’s posts: |
Marison Sun 04-Oct-20 19:32:57

I wouldn't deceive him and go behind his back to get pregnant. It's not my style. I just don't understand why he can say he's excited and can't wait, to making excuses and has this weird thing of waiting until after the wedding. A piece of paper makes no difference to how we feel about one another. We been together long enough to know what we want, so why make me wait another two years for a piece of paper? He says that he really wants to be a dad but won't actually do it

OP’s posts: |
Fiftysixthnamechange Sun 04-Oct-20 19:32:57

You're 25, why is this the be all and end all for you? It seems you have something missing in your life that you think a baby will fill.
Live, travel, have fun, go out with your friends, work hard, play hard. Why are you so keen to tie yourself down so young? I'm not surprised your partner doesn't want a baby, youre coming across as desperate.

Fiftysixthnamechange Sun 04-Oct-20 19:34:50

Marison

I wouldn't deceive him and go behind his back to get pregnant. It's not my style. I just don't understand why he can say he's excited and can't wait, to making excuses and has this weird thing of waiting until after the wedding. A piece of paper makes no difference to how we feel about one another. We been together long enough to know what we want, so why make me wait another two years for a piece of paper? He says that he really wants to be a dad but won't actually do it

Is your partner 25 too? If so, I think he's being really sensible, I don't know any 25 year olds ready to have children, with good reason!

Marison Sun 04-Oct-20 19:34:59

Fiftysixthnamechange

You're 25, why is this the be all and end all for you? It seems you have something missing in your life that you think a baby will fill.
Live, travel, have fun, go out with your friends, work hard, play hard. Why are you so keen to tie yourself down so young? I'm not surprised your partner doesn't want a baby, youre coming across as desperate.


A baby doesn't stop you from living a life and having fun. Thanks for that. Asking for advice. Not insults.

OP’s posts: |
MidnightCitrus Sun 04-Oct-20 19:35:59

BubblyBarbara

*But as its not going to be another 2 years away I've asked to have one now*

You’ve asked to have a baby? It should be a joint decision rather than like asking if you’re allowed to buy new curtains grin If you are really broody I would maybe try your luck stopping taking the pill and having an “accident”. We’ve done this for years but obviously the modern politically correct types will have their nose put out of joint by it. Alternatively wait until he’s on board ideally

obviously the modern politically correct types will have their nose put out of joint by it. erm, that's because its fucking deceitful and despicable HTH

Marison Sun 04-Oct-20 19:37:06

And it's not the be all and end all, I have goals and dreams and I'm doing what I need to do to achieve them. I just want a family. I'm 26 in January and he is 28 atm

OP’s posts: |
Twizbe Sun 04-Oct-20 19:37:57

Marison

I wouldn't deceive him and go behind his back to get pregnant. It's not my style. I just don't understand why he can say he's excited and can't wait, to making excuses and has this weird thing of waiting until after the wedding. A piece of paper makes no difference to how we feel about one another. We been together long enough to know what we want, so why make me wait another two years for a piece of paper? He says that he really wants to be a dad but won't actually do it


Being married actually does make a big difference.

For some people they want the traditional path of marriage and then babies (this is ok and they are allowed to feel like that)

Legally it is a better position for him as well. The child is legally his and will be named on the BC regardless. If you're not married he actually has less rights. Also when you do marry you'll have to re register the baby.

Waiting to be married is a very valid reason to not want a baby right now. It's shit you're wedding has had to be postponed and you're not the only ones by any means.

Also if you wait until after you're married to have the baby you can have a wedding day without having to factor in childcare. I know a few couples who married after the baby and they all wished it had been the other way round

Twizbe Sun 04-Oct-20 19:39:10

A baby doesn't stop you living life and having fun, but it sure as shit changes what 'fun' becomes.

Moondust001 Sun 04-Oct-20 19:39:28

Marison

I know exactly what goals I have and I have been achieving them! I'm one year away from being a lecturer, I'm currently a secondary school teacher and have my own home. It's not a case of just wanting to be a mam for the sake of it.

It is if the partner you have chosen doesn’t agree with you! A baby isn’t a goal. Life didn't do "job, house, career, baby". He's not ready. He's being honest with your and you aren't listening. You are only hearing the parts you wish to. He might be keen to be a father one day. But that day hasn't arrived. You must either respect that, or consider whether this relationship is right. Lying about contraception is not an option if you wish your relationship to survive.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Sun 04-Oct-20 19:40:30

@Marison

I talked excitedly about having a second DC with DH but equally said it wasn’t the time for it. He would have had one much earlier but there were things I wanted in place first. We did those things and DD2 is two weeks old tomorrow.

If he isn’t ready, you have to wait. If you cannot possibly wait, you can’t stay with him.

Slightlybrwnbanana Sun 04-Oct-20 19:40:38

How many years have you been teaching for?

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