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Is this it now, not meant to be? so sad

(51 Posts)
TabiTail Fri 25-Sep-20 20:20:13

I’m so sad. I have been in love once or twice in my life but for the last 3 years I’ve been very single. I was 36 in August and I just feel so past it all now.

I’m so sad. I’ve worked hard in my life and I’m very ok alone. I have good friends, colleagues and family I’m mostly close ish to! But I’ve never met the right one for me and it bothers me.

I know not everyone who is in a relationship is happy. I know it’s not about that. I don’t want someone to complete me and I don’t believe it would be a magic ticket to happiness. But I so want to experience a relationship, a future shared with someone. Even in covid times I fill my life with lots of things, I’m rarely at a loose end just sitting on my own. But nothing ever removes that horrible ache for a partner. For someone to get into bed with and wake up with. To share food with. Share worries and hopes with.

I’m just so fucking sad about it. And it gets lonelier the older I am.

I’m starting to give up on it all. I’ve dated and still do talk to people but I have no faith that I will find anyone now. So many people say oh one day you’ll meet someone. Well it’s been 3 years and not found anyone I even want a relationship with let alone feel they are significant to me.

Managed to get myself into a horrible state tonight and feel utterly shit. Has anyone felt like this and it’s got better?

OP’s posts: |
formerbabe Fri 25-Sep-20 20:24:53

Seems a little dramatic to me. You're 36 and's not especially unusual and there's no need to write yourself off. You have time to meet someone.

formerbabe Fri 25-Sep-20 20:25:56

Sorry that didn't mean to sound so unsympathetic!

dahliadelilah Fri 25-Sep-20 20:27:31

I am 34 and in the same position. I completely and totally get you. It's so horribly lonely.

Like you, I am busy all the time, but no hobby makes up for always coming into an empty house and waking up alone.

I am equally sad that my friends are all becoming mothers at the same time, and even if I do ever have children, they'll have still all moved on without me.

What I will say though is that the horrible sadness comes in waves, and it does lift (for me, anyway).

It helps me to get my shopping delivered (I can't abide buying meals for one and watching everyone else shop for families. Stupid but one of my personal lows), to spend silly money shopping online and to stay away from social media.


myhobbyisouting Fri 25-Sep-20 20:27:32

Have you got kids? Want them? Or is this just about being alone?

OhTheRoses Fri 25-Sep-20 20:27:51

Yes although a bit younger than you when I did.

What you can do is make the very best of life: home, interests, hobbies, travel, etc.

Make sure you live a full life on your own and then even if Mr Right doesn't come along you will have a good life lived for you in any event.

But yes, loneliness stinks. But looking back to 36 from 60 you have so much ahead of you. Live life for you. It will make you more attractive to others.

FWIW I had a sad 39th birthday dinner with a friend who felt just like you and who had a little cry. Before she was 40 she met the man of her dreams and by the time she was 43 she had two DC!

twinkletoedelephant Fri 25-Sep-20 20:28:50

One of ds ta's was early 40s and the time the year was out she was married and pregnant

TabiTail Fri 25-Sep-20 20:28:54

Haha. Thanks. I’ve dated for 3 years and not found anyone I’m interested in. Done the whole ‘give it a few dates’ and ‘go for someone you wouldn’t usually’ etc etc. Still no luck.

I spent most of my twenties and early thirties thinking two men I had met (not at the same time!) were maybe the right one...and moved in, made plans, bought sofas... the whole hope for a future and they didn’t work out.

I’m tired of it all and just wish I could settle with someone. I keep wishing I hadn’t ended a relationship I had a year ago, which I ended after 3 months as I wasn’t feeling into it at all. I sort of wish now I had just ignored that and carried out. At least I wouldn’t be entirely alone like I am now at 36.

OP’s posts: |
JMAngel1 Fri 25-Sep-20 20:29:15

But you're only 36! That's no age at all.

janetmendoza Fri 25-Sep-20 20:31:41

'We may have suspected it already, but now the science backs it up: unmarried and childless women are the happiest subgroup in the population. And they are more likely to live longer than their married and child-rearing peers, according to a leading expert in happiness.

Speaking at the Hay festival on Saturday, Paul Dolan, a professor of behavioural science at the London School of Economics, said the latest evidence showed that the traditional markers used to measure success did not correlate with happiness – particularly marriage and raising children' etc
So you are quite right, its certainly not a meal ticket to happiness! I hope you can enjoy your life whatever happens - its the most anyone can hope for

OhTheRoses Fri 25-Sep-20 20:32:15

Settling never makes people truly happy. I nearly did and am glad I didn't.

Kakiweewee Fri 25-Sep-20 20:33:18

I'll be thirty-nine when I've lost the weight I'm trying to lose, probably closer to forty when I have my operation and recover. After that I fully intend on dating again. I've been single since I was thirty, after an abusive relationship. I'm not letting my age stop me. Nor the body suit of saggy skin after losing ten stone (almost at five now).

You're not finished yet, still plenty of time.

TabiTail Fri 25-Sep-20 20:33:33

I get what people are saying about doing things you love and having fun... I know that really is the only way forward but I find the comments frustrating (I know posters are trying to support me flowers )’s just that I have got hobbies. I do things I like doing. I am busy. You don’t see married couples with a huge array of hobbies and a bustling confident life. It’s as if you’re single you have to be this fantastically busy and engaging person all the time.

But nothing takes away that empty feeling of wanting to climb into bed and have a chat about your day. And yes I know that isn’t the reality for lots of couples but it’s just one example of the sort of couple things I haven’t had in my life for so long.

I have a very independent life. But it doesn’t change wanting to share it with someone and I honestly can’t imagine feeling that way about anyone’s like I have become cold it all?!

OP’s posts: |
TabiTail Fri 25-Sep-20 20:35:30

36 feels old when colleagues, friends, family even strangers ask if you’re married yet. Don’t leave it too late. Are you not wanting to marry... etc etc etc.

OP’s posts: |
dahliadelilah Fri 25-Sep-20 20:36:39

I worry that I'm too comfortable in my own existence. I can't imagine where someone else would fit in, even though I desperately want it at the same time.

I just hope that it helps me see through the men that aren't for me...

OhTheRoses Fri 25-Sep-20 20:37:58

FWIW OP, Since about 1999 I have fantasized about living on my own in a pristine flat with white carpets, having tomato soup and a cheese toastie for supper. I have it all but I still hanker for my do it as I please days.

TabiTail Fri 25-Sep-20 20:38:01

dehilah that’s exactly how I feel shopping!

I cry on the car park probably 20 percent of the times I go to the shops because some days I can’t face going in again on my own with my stupid basket while others are there either with their family or partner or clearly buying family packs of food. I started ordering online recently for that reason.

OP’s posts: |
tootyfruitypickle Fri 25-Sep-20 20:42:14

I’ve had two very long relationships, and IMO, you’re not missing much. I’ve accepted it’s better (for me anyway) being single. Too much drama and heartache any other way .

OhTheRoses Fri 25-Sep-20 20:44:51

Nothing annoys me more than a family of four in the supermarket. Believe me industrial shopping for a family is an absolute pain in the bum. The meal planning and having to cook dinner after a full on day at work can feel soul destroying! I look at single people with a bottle of nice wine, a French stick, anti pasti, Haagen Dazs, a salad bag and a couple of meals for one with envy.

OhTheRoses Fri 25-Sep-20 20:46:17

In the kindest way op, do you think you might be suffering from depression? Perhaps some therapy and/or ad's might help

dahliadelilah Fri 25-Sep-20 20:48:21

Well, you give it all then up Roses and go and be single.

It's really, really, not helpful advice, it's just patronising.

Hermie12 Fri 25-Sep-20 20:51:17

I felt like that then met my DH when I was 38 and he was 37. It does happen.

TwilightSkies Fri 25-Sep-20 20:53:28

People telling you that married/family life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be won’t make you feel better. It’s insensitive but I know they mean well.
It’s natural and normal to want a loving partner to share your life with, the intimacy and friendship.
I hope you meet someone lovely OP, and get what you are looking for.
You just never know when you will cross paths with that person so keep trying, don’t give up.

31133004Taff Fri 25-Sep-20 20:57:54

Everything can happen. It’s what is happening today and today op you’re having a tough time. I’m sorry you’re yearning for love and a feeling of belonging somewhere. When these feelings are strong, it’s a tough day. 🌷

OhTheRoses Fri 25-Sep-20 21:01:34

Well thanks so much dahliadelilah, I shan't bother to try to be sympathetic ever again.

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