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My partner has just said he'd be attracted to me if I lost weight

(74 Posts)
toofattolove Wed 23-Sep-20 14:49:55

To be fair, I'm pretty fat......I'd say a good 3 stone heavier than when I met him.....

I don't work, I rarely leave the house, I just exist. I don't make any effort as I don't like myself so don't see the point, particularly when it's so obvious he doesn't fancy me anyway

I'm just not sure where to go from here.

I'm on the max dose of AD's, I don't really put make up on/do hair. He looks after himself, wears nice clothes etc....

I think we've had sex less than 5 times in the last year, both in our 40s, got one toddler

I literally just hibernate and get through each day until bedtime. Sad but true

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Kanaloa Wed 23-Sep-20 14:52:50

That must have been hurtful to hear. Is your husband taking his fair share of the housework and toddler? If he has plenty of time to look after himself (gym, grooming etc) while you just don’t have the time then his comment isn’t very fair.

Outside of feeling you are overweight, you sound like you might be struggling at the moment emotionally. If you’re already on ADs, have the doctors recommended any further treatment, like speaking to someone? It might be helpful for you.

LindaEllen Wed 23-Sep-20 14:56:36

To be honest, a man who feels it's okay to make that kind of comment to his severely depressed wife doesn't get much credit in my book.

How dare he?

Have you told him how he made you feel?

I am in a similar situation with the key difference being that my partner regularly tells me I'm beautiful and that he'll love me no matter how much weight I put on (my current lockdown eating habits may well test his bold claims). I couldn't cope with someone so unsupportive, it's just not fair on you.

Bluntness100 Wed 23-Sep-20 14:58:42

Why did he say it? Did you ask the question? How did it come about?

Bluntness100 Wed 23-Sep-20 15:00:05

he'll love me no matter how much weight I put on

That’s nice dear, but you do understand he didn’t say he didn’t love her. It was physical attraction that was being discussed.

toofattolove Wed 23-Sep-20 15:04:45

He says he loves me too bits....but that the reason we don't have sex is because he would fancy me more if I did more with my life and lost some weight/took pride in my appearance. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to say this , albeit hard to hear.

I couldn't give a shit if he's overweight, he's more mindful of appearance than me though and his mum is such a fatist it's rubbed off on him over the years.......she must find me grotesque

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Dillo10 Wed 23-Sep-20 15:25:14

I am sorry that you are in this situation.

Does hearing this make you want to change?

I've been severely depressed, didn't want to leave the house etc. I didn't put on huge amounts of weight but I lost myself in the sense that I was in PJs all day, no make up, not interested in fashion anymore.

I'm much better now (nowhere near perfect) but what DH thought of me didn't seem to motivate me to change. In the end it was ME who wanted the "old me" back if you see what I mean. How do YOU feel? What would make you happy?

It may seem like an insurmountable problem right now, but the alternative is staying like this forever... surely that is not what you want?

I think you need to start by asking yourself what you really want from your one precious life and work from there.

toofattolove Wed 23-Sep-20 15:28:58

Thanks @Dillo10 , that's a kind message

Can I ask what it was that finally made you want to change?

I can't say I feel happy or unhappy......just emotionless.....numb.

I only lose weight when I reduce and stop my meds......the weight then drops off me

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Sunnydaysstillhere Wed 23-Sep-20 15:29:48

I say this as someone with 3 stone to shed... I would want to have sex more if I felt happier and sexier...
I don't have sex or have it reluctantly due to how I feel. It isn't just physically losing weight that makes a person more attractive but the feelings they give off because they feel better in themselves. Could your dh just have handled it badly and meant because you yourself would feel better about yourself if you lost weight and ultimately share a better sex life?

toofattolove Wed 23-Sep-20 15:35:46

@Sunnydaysstillhere I'm sure he did mean it from the best possible place.....he's very health conscious etc and so therefore wants me to be , and as we are slightly older parents, is keen for us to be around as long as possible

I get it, I don't like it, and I know it's right

I'm just so over getting back on track, I just want to hide and comfort eat

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Sunnydaysstillhere Wed 23-Sep-20 15:41:14

Imo if your dh /dw can't be honest with their spouses who can?
Me and dh need to lose some chunk. Covid 19 has seen us eating more crap than ever... If you do agree with him op, lose some weight - for you - as investment into a good relationship - if hand on heart you feel it is.
Being honest after all is a good quality..

Whatsnewpussyhat Wed 23-Sep-20 15:46:39

Did you work pre child? Did you suffer PND? Possibly peri menopausal? I suspect your mental health is the larger issue here.

It was a shitty thing to say but naive of people to think that a partner putting on a lot of weight wouldn't possibly make them less sexually attractive.

ScrapThatThen Wed 23-Sep-20 15:47:11

What is it you are hiding from do you think?

AmICrazyorWhat2 Wed 23-Sep-20 15:58:18

I’m sorry you’re feeling so low, OP.

How long have you been on the AD’s and have you noticed any improvement in how you feel? I’m asking because I was put on AD’s for anxiety and the first type I tried ( Sertraline) didn’t do much for me. My doctor switched me to Escitalopram and they work much better for me. I’m on a low dose and they’re still effective.

I’d suggest following up with your GP and seeing what can be done. You might suffer fewer side effects on another medication as well. 💐

toofattolove Wed 23-Sep-20 15:58:51

@Whatsnewpussyhat I'm very fortunate that I've not worked in the last 10 years......as I sold a company that I'd started up a few years previously

Yes I have/did have PND.....and still after 4 years haven't bonded yet with my son like other parents do......

I'm scared of people finding out that I'm not what I seem......I appear on the surface to lead such a wonderful life (whereas in reality I just tread water with heavy boots on)!

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StylishMummy Wed 23-Sep-20 16:03:46

OP have you considered getting back into the workplace, not for the money but for the self worth motivation? And the social connections. I adore my DC but if I miss them during the day I get so much more enjoyment out of the evenings and weekends together.

I'm overweight due to meds but if I'm honest with myself, it's probably 20% meds and 80% being lazy and eating shit. DH and I had a similar conversation and I accepted he was doing it from a place of kindness, not contempt. Is this any way for you to live?

toofattolove Wed 23-Sep-20 16:09:18

I've been trying to get back into the workplace but without being too outing , where we live is not exactly bustling with excitement and a few openings pre covid are now non starters.........

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Whatsnewpussyhat Wed 23-Sep-20 16:10:33

Whilst it sounds ideal retiring in your 30's, from having been capable of setting up then selling a clearly very successful company I suspect the reality is quite boring and perhaps lonely?

Could you go back to work, give yourself a new purpose to aim for? Did you have a plan for when child goes to school?

I didn't work for a couple of years when my eldest was born. I was desperate to get back to work. Felt useless, the sheer monotony of it. I had PND too but wasn't aware of how bad I'd been until 2nd child came along.

anon444877 Wed 23-Sep-20 16:15:13

self esteem is about a lot more than weight - the fact you feel you exist is the crux of it. The toddler stage is hard, it honestly does get easier and Covid won't be suppressing the job market forever. It's easy to pick at our weight but it's a symptom of a bigger thing isn't it?

I know it sounds a bit daft but are there any volunteer opportunities around you that might give you a bit of an interest?

I've not worked for 18 months and I can feel my confidence and purpose slipping away. Some it suits, and some of us need a bit more.

Cheeseandwin5 Wed 23-Sep-20 16:25:11

I cant believe that ppl are looking to blame the DH here.
The poor man must be worried sick about the OP and maybe has tried other ways to motivate her.
The OP says that his comments come from a place of love so lets all try and help her and her relationship rather than the man bashing ( without caring that it may hurt the OP more).
OP you sound like you need help whether it is from a counselor or a trainer, you need to get out of the rut and self loathing you find yourself.
You dont need to do it for your DH (although I am sure he will be thrilled) or your DC ( although keeping up with one will take as much energy as you have available) but do it for self and the happiness and confidence it will give you.

Dillo10 Wed 23-Sep-20 16:29:38

@toofattolove you feel numb because you are on a high dose of anti depressants... Why did you go on them in the first place?

For some people they are great, truly life changing but for you it doesn't seem you are functioning well? So just wondering what benefit you get.

Im 32 and I could feel my life passing me by. I read a book that was quite "tough love" in its approach which gave advice such as "be self-led, not symptom-led" ... Hard to explain but what that meant for me was getting up, dressed, going out, getting stuff done even when I didn't feel like it. I built some momentum this way.

Not going to sciencey here but.. your brain is plastic. As in, it changes based on your daily thoughts and experiences. What that means is you can always teach your brain new ways to think, behave and perceive life. How do you WANT to feel? How can you experience that feeling more often? This builds habits, habits become automatic.

I hope that all makes sense.

Asterion Wed 23-Sep-20 16:33:32

Sweetheart. Let's look on this as a positive day. You want to change. Your DH wants you to be happier, which will make you both happier.

Can you afford counselling? And/or a life coach? If you don't have to go out to work then how about doing some volunteering? That will get you out of the house and give you some purpose, serving others often helps us as well.

toofattolove Wed 23-Sep-20 16:37:54

@Dillo10 I've been on and off them for 20 years. They've saved my life many a time...
I've had episodes of feeling severely depressed and several failed suicide attempts

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toofattolove Wed 23-Sep-20 16:39:29

@Asterion I don't think I said I wanted to change. My current wee bubble is my comfort and the only thing that I like is food!

My worry is that I know I should change but have absolutely no desire to

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SunshineCake Wed 23-Sep-20 16:50:43

It is so hard when one feels there are so many things to tackle.

If you don't want to change then you don't have to but would you if your partner said he would leave or if your toddler wanted to do something that you can't because you are bigger, too tired and not emotionally ready?

I am 2.5 stone into my weight loss plan and it hurt that dh said he fancies me more now I have lost the weight than before. I'm doing it for me though. I started C25K in May, do intermittent fasting, sorted out food intolerances and today I ran 10K.

You have to be ready though and until you are no amount of ideas, encouragement or support will help.

Take care of yourself.

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