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Am I in the wrong?

(49 Posts)
Namechange313 Wed 16-Sep-20 11:59:27

NC for this as it could be outing

I’m 26 and when I was around 5, I was told the Man I called dad was not actually my bio dad. My bio dad had left before I was born and wanted nothing to do with me or mum.

It was a shock however I have always thought of him as my dad and have continued to this day to refer to him as dad, and I always will as he had brought me up (he met mum when I was 1)

However I was always told that it was a secret and I must NEVER tell anyone ever. I went through life lying about how my parents met and it always felt wrong.

I met my boyfriend when I was 17 and after a few years I told him about the dad situation. He was fine about it and understood that I did have a dad, he just technically wasn’t my bio dad.

I have always had an overwhelming curiousity about my bio dad, he lives in Australia and I knew his name so a few years ago I searched for him and was looking at the pictures of him and his kids (my half siblings) I wasn’t told much about him by mum and whenever I brought him up I would be told to never talk about it again as it was a taboo subject.

So once my boyfriend knew, I was finally able to talk to someone about it. It felt good and I decided I’d like to message him, I wanted to hear from him why he left us, if he told anyone about me and a few other things. I didn’t particularly want to meet him ever but I just always had the burning questions.

Long story short he responded but didn’t really seem Interested in conversing with me so we left it there and haven’t spoken since (this was 4 years ago)

I didn’t tell mum and dad at the time as I didn’t wanna hurt them and I knew they wouldn’t understand my reasons for doing it.

Last week I was talking to mum and I decided to come clean and told her everything.

Since then my dad has ignored me, we had a chat last night (me mum and dad) where I explained my reasons and in no way was I trying to replace him, I just needed answers and wasn’t interested in meeting him at all.

I was shouted at a lot for being so vindictive and called a “snake” lots of crying. My dad actually stormed off in the end and said I was ungrateful for everything. I had tried to explain that I absolutely loved him to death and was so so grateful for him raising me and I will always call him dad. But he wouldn’t listen.

He was very angry I’d told me (now fiancé) and said I should’ve always kept it a secret. I said I’m an open and honest person and I don’t feel like I should, if people judge us then whatever, I know he’s my dad and surely that’s all that matters. But making up elaborate lies about the situation wasn’t the right way and they cannot expect me to lie forever when it’s my life it affects.

Right now they have both shut me out of their lives, I’m feeling very hurt and I miss them both. I have told them both how much I appreciate and love them but they think I’m ungrateful and just want to chase after my bio dad who doesn’t “give a fuck” about me anyway.

I’m now questioning if I’m in the wrong or not? I need You to tell me, as people reading this with no bias towards either side. Was I wrong for contacting my dad? Or telling my partner? Should I have always kept it a secret? Thanks for reading

OP’s posts: |
dementedpixie Wed 16-Sep-20 12:03:11

No you weren't wrong. Your bio dad is part of your history and where you come from so of course you would be curious. I think its terrible that you were told to be so secretive and that your mum and 2nd dad are shutting you out. It doesn't seem very grown up or mature.

HathorX Wed 16-Sep-20 12:04:03

Ahhh poor you, you did absolutely nothing wrong at all. I'm so sorry your parents reacted the way they did. It's completely natural to have questions and curiosity about your birth father.

I do hope your parents calm down and apologise to you. They are being massively unreasonable.

AliMonkey Wed 16-Sep-20 12:04:19

No you are not in the wrong. They should never have asked you to keep it a secret and it would be unreasonable for you to never tell your long-term partner.

But maybe they are just feeling hurt (not that they should but it’s understandable) and lashing out. Hopefully given time they will come round to a better understanding.

unmarkedbythat Wed 16-Sep-20 12:05:50

You are not in the wrong at all and they are behaving very badly.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 16-Sep-20 12:11:44

You poor thing. You haven’t done anything wrong and you’ve experienced a few very hurtful rejections, how difficult. You have every right to tell your fiancé or anything else anything you like. It’s your life, your story. He’s your chosen life partner and he’ll be your husband, you should tell him everything you want to. And after all these years keeping secrets to protect other people of course you deserved to share it with someone you love and trust.

I’m sorry your bio dad is a shit. I’m sorry your parents are behaving so badly. Please stop apologising. You have done nothing wrong.

Smallsteps88 Wed 16-Sep-20 12:12:56

Your parents are disgusting people. You don’t need that sort of emotional bullying from anyone in your life and you don’t need to constantly prove your gratitude to someone who chose to raise you. That was his choice. You had no say in it.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Wed 16-Sep-20 12:17:38

It's perfectly reasonable for you to research and make contact with your biological father.

It's perfectly understandable for your mum & dad to be upset about it.

I do think you were in the wrong for telling them though. You knew their views about the situation so you should have realised there was nothing to be gained by doing so.

Namechange313 Wed 16-Sep-20 12:19:11

Thank you so much everyone, i was debating whether or not to post this but I’m so glad I did. I have felt incredibly ashamed and guilty these last few days, I needed opinions from the outside so I’m grateful that you took the time to read it and respond.

Yes I’ve tried explaining that you cannot understand what it’s like to not know about your own biology, especially when they come from another country (I did end up finding out I have Fijian blood which was interesting) it’s something you can only “get” if you’re in the situation yourself. My mum loves watching long lost families, and I tried to appeal to that and compare how on the show, they would always feel that need to know who their bio parents were, even if their adoptive parents were amazing. It’s not trying to replace anyone, it’s just a natural curiousity.

I agree that I need to leave them to cool down so I’ll just lay low for a bit. But I feel such relief that I’m not the one who has been unreasonable

OP’s posts: |
Crocky Wed 16-Sep-20 12:20:13

They are behaving awfully towards you.

Namechange313 Wed 16-Sep-20 12:21:50

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks funnily enough, they were even more angry that I HADNT told them and said that they’d have been less annoyed if I’d come to them first to ask for their blessing. I thought perhaps they’d understand that due to their reactions in the past, I’d be too scared to approach them with something like that.

If I could go back though I’d absolutely have kept it quiet

OP’s posts: |
TingeOfTheGinge Wed 16-Sep-20 12:30:01

Oh bless you, how confusing!

I can't understand why they hate it so much, there's no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed x

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Wed 16-Sep-20 12:34:07

@Namechange313 - I come from a family that isn't so much broken as smashed to smithereens and so does DH so I do realise how hard it is.

From personal experience my advice would be to step back a little, let your mum & dad work through their hurt and use that time to work through your own. Keep regular light contact so they know you're open to getting back to how things were but don't push for more.

And remember that also applies to you. Don't be pushed for more than you can give either iykwim.

Good luck.

tectonicplates Wed 16-Sep-20 12:43:16

You're not in the wrong to want to contact him, but I wonder if your parents have a reason for reacting as they did? Sorry to bring this up, but there may have been some kind of situation like that the guy was abusive or violent, or had threatened them or something like that? They may be acting out of fear if something awful happened in the past. I'm so sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, and I don't mean to sound like I'm excusing their behaviour, but there may be some kind of reason behind it all, something they're trying to protect you or themselves from. Could it be anything like that?

Mummymellissa8666 Wed 16-Sep-20 12:43:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tinkywinkydinkydoo Wed 16-Sep-20 12:45:05

I’m sorry you’re going through this, that it is a really bizarre and extreme reaction from your parents! It doesn’t make much sense.

dementedpixie Wed 16-Sep-20 12:46:04

@Mummymellissa8666 reported your post

Mummymellissa8666 Wed 16-Sep-20 12:48:21

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Namechange313 Wed 16-Sep-20 12:51:42

@Mummymellissa8666 I think you think you’re being funny, but you’re really not. It’s not entertaining anyone, please find a hobby or something other than trolling.

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks thank you, that’s great advice. That’s pretty much my plan going forward now too

@tectonicplates I see why you may think that and technically I don’t know but it’s never even been hinted and I think it really was as straight forward as “I don’t want to be with you” at this point though I’m not sure of anything 🤣

OP’s posts: |
Pipandmum Wed 16-Sep-20 13:00:50

The thing is it isn't just their secret. It's yours too, and you are certainly allowed to tell if you want. It more affects you after all. Once you are an adult you make decisions for yourself. And as you say this was a big one.
My adopted friend did discuss it with her parents when she wanted to go on the register for finding birth parents, just to avoid any feelings of rejection etc. I think being up front would have been the better move, but their reaction only underlines why you thought you couldn't. As nothing came of it I don't see why you told them though.

Cagedbirdsinging Wed 16-Sep-20 13:03:40

@Mummymellissa8666....I'm reporting your post .
Also , what is wrong with you ?

MyOwnSummer Wed 16-Sep-20 13:09:52

They're being completely unreasonable - you are a person and have every right to make your own decisions about this stuff. The crying and name calling is frankly ridiculous and they need to grow up.

Namechange313 Wed 16-Sep-20 13:11:44

Little update, received a text from mum.
She’s said since I’m so dead set on being open and honest. They want DD (who is 18 months) to stop calling him grandad (she already refers to him as this) and start calling him by his real name. She says when DD is older then she can decide for herself if she wants to call him grandad but until then it’s just his name

OP’s posts: |
Honeyroar Wed 16-Sep-20 13:24:02

They sound a real pair of stubborn idiots. They are absolutely determined to make a drama out of this. They never should have created such a drama back in the day. They never had the right to make you lie about who you are. What on Earth is wrong with then! I’d tell them that you’ll explain to your little one, if they really think it’s necessary, in a few years when she’s old enough to understand, but that she thinks of him as a grandad, and always will. I’d also tell them that your “stepdad” has always been your dad in every sense of the term apart from biologically and you adore him for it, but you think it’s time to stop creating such a fuss over nothing. It’s totally natural that you’d want to find out about your father for curiosity and they’re being very cruel and selfish for making you feel bad (and like hell they’d have given you their blessings if you’d have asked first, they’ve clearly got massive, weird issues about it all).

HerculesMulligan Wed 16-Sep-20 13:29:09

Oh, love. That is a horrible thing for your mum to say. They're obviously hurt but lashing out at you and asking that your DD calls him by a different name is really unnecessary.

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