I find myself revolting

[ihatemyvulva]

Watching 100 Vaginas earlier . I’m not sure what it is but I really don’t like my body . I’ve always had medical problems that affected me down there and was assaulted as a teenager; so that’s probably had an impact but I find myself disgusting .

It’s an all over thing, I hate my body in general, but particularly bad with my vulva - I find it’s just an ugly thing that causes me problems and pain .

I cant use tampons because I can’t put my hand there ... I can’t look in the mirror and sex is totally out of the question . I can masturbate to fall asleep sometimes but I don’t find it enjoyable per se, I don’t ever feel turned on or anything like that .

It’s almost like a part of me that I’ve detached from altogether and I don’t know how to fix that . I spoke to a GP once who suggested buying a vibrator but I’m not sure that’s going to make any difference at all !

I feel terrible for posting this on here as it seems so TMI but it’s playing on my mind and not sure who else can talk to really .

[ChampagneCommunist]

I see where your GP is coming from. A small, gentle vibrator may well help - the feelings of pleasure may facilitate a gradual mind shift?

[Lulooo]

What's so repulsive about it? What makes you disgusted?

[ihatemyvulva]

@Lulooo

What's so repulsive about it? What makes you disgusted?

I don’t know .

I was brought up religious and told sex was something men used to hurt you and a necessary evil for conception - my mum had lots of ideas about sex and bodies influenced by her own bad experiences that she passed on maybe not realising ... made the thought of being sexually active terrifying and shameful/dirty . I’ve gotten to thirty and no idea what others mean when they say being sexually attracted to someone, because I’ve blocked it out so much .

I also had problems with recurrent infections and pain as a teenager, had to have a lot of medical help and used to teach myself to detach during hospital appointments to forget what they were doing - I’d try and shut off and see it as they were just examining eg my ear or something ... I can’t get past that now, I can’t put a tampon in without cringing...

I’d desperately love to have a relationship with someone and to be the same as others (ie not a virgin!) but it seems almost impossible .

[JovialNickname]

I don't know if this is helpful OP because I don't have body issues - but I don't like the sight of down there either. It creeps me out even putting tampons in and frankly I think my vulva looks gross. But I do know I'm a bit weird!! I like the feeling of it being touched though and I like being female, and having a vagina is part of that. Does it help if you try to think your body is beautiful in a more abstract way, as in it can feel nice and its part of your womanhood? Sorry if that's no help whatsoever, I'm kind of rambling and thinking as I type

[herrcomesthenamechanger]

I wonder if you could consider therapy? It sounds like it connected to emotional stuff.

[tinkywinkyshandbag]

I agree I think a therapist specialising in women's sex issues would be a good way forward.

[ihatemyvulva]

Thank you

I’ve got a telephone call with my GP tomorrow - I’ve got health issues that involves that area and I’m not fully complying with treatment because of all the stuff going on in my head ... will try to explain to GP, hopefully she will understand what I mean . It sounds so self indulgent at the moment but if I can get past this and do what I’m being asked I might feel physically better too, which would be good .

[ihatemyvulva]

Would that be psychosexual therapy I wonder? I was referred to that a few years ago and ended up never going - Perhaps I should ask again !

[herrcomesthenamechanger]

Yes it should be, if it's available in your area on the NHS I would definitely take it up. I think it could really help

[ihatemyvulva]

@herrcomesthenamechanger

Yes it should be, if it's available in your area on the NHS I would definitely take it up. I think it could really help

Thank you - I hope so . It feels like vanity but it’s more than that I think . Hopefully what I was offered a few years ago they can still do - I think it would help !

[herrcomesthenamechanger]

It's not just vanity if you can't even touch it and it's damaging your health.