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Sister in relationship with paedophile, SS removed son from her care, please help.

(150 Posts)
Qwertybertie87 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:29:46

NC as obviously potentially outing.

My sister and I had a fairly rough upbringing. Our mother was /is an alcoholic, had sporadic relationship with our father.

I am married with a daughter, my sister had a baby boy 11 months ago. Her and baby's father split while she was pregnant though they have had a civil relationship since then and he is a good dad to their little one.

2 weeks ago I had a phone call from sisters exboyfriend. Social services had removed their son from her care and now he has DN in his care. DS had met someone online about 2 months ago. He lives a fair distance away, didn't think too much of it but it turns out that he has previously been in prison for sexually assaulting a young girl and has twice been convicted of possession of child abuse images. For context we are in Scotland and the boyfriend is from England.

Social services told my sister she either ends the relationship or they will take further action. She refused to end the relationship so they got an emergency order to have DN placed with his father. I knew nothing of any of this until DS ex partner contacted me.

Baby and father seem to be fine, I have visited and took some shopping etc. I cannot understand what the hell is wrong with DS. I have obviously went through her like a ton of bricks but she says they convictions were wrong etc etc and that he's changed. She has never shown signs of being this stupid in the past. I am worried sick. She is allowed supervised contact with DN twice a week. Twice she has missed it now, once because she had to take her cat to the vet and once because she was getting a spray tan done.

I am devastated. I am not worried about baby being with his father, I am being supportive and his own parents are supporting him as well and baby seems happy as Larry. But I don't know whether to be more worried or angry when it comes to DS.

I have no idea what will happen moving forward. How can I make her see sense. My head is absolutely fried with all of this.

OP’s posts: |
orangejuicer Tue 15-Sep-20 19:31:57

This must be upsetting for you but I don't see what you can do about it other to try and keep a relationship with your nephew through his father.

Qwertybertie87 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:35:04

Yes and luckily he's a lovely bloke and has no issues at all with my seeing baby but I'm just at an absolute loss with my sister. I could kill her. I just don't know what's got into her, picking a beast over her lovely baby boy.

OP’s posts: |
Squiffany Tue 15-Sep-20 19:35:25

If the threat of ‘losing’ her baby wasn’t enough to make her see sense, then all you can do is sit and wait until she realises she made the wrong choice. Tell your door is always open and then leave her to it.

If you have children, keep them away from her for now.

BananaPop2020 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:35:28

If your sister prioritises having a spray tan over seeing her child that has been removed, than nothing you do or say will make any difference. Concentrate on your relationship with your nephew, as he will need people like you in his life.

DaenarysStormborn Tue 15-Sep-20 19:35:53

If she's already missed two contact sessions it doesn't give a great message about her commitment to her son.

BluebellsGreenbells Tue 15-Sep-20 19:35:55

Do you think there might be other issues?
How often has she seen this new man for SS to be concerned? How did they know?
Is she drinking?

To miss your own child for a car and a spray tan seems unusual.

Tavannach Tue 15-Sep-20 19:36:46

It doesn't sound like you will be able to make her see sense if she values getting a spray tan over seeing her baby son.
All you can do is keep in touch with your nephew and his father and try and keep that relationship going.

Stompythedinosaur Tue 15-Sep-20 19:36:56

It is hard, but it might be better for the baby if her mum is not able to prioritise her needs.

Mydarlingsleepthief Tue 15-Sep-20 19:37:22

Sounds like she isn’t particularly bothered!

PotteringAlong Tue 15-Sep-20 19:37:30

I agree. She would rather have a spray tan than see her child. I suspect, long term, the child might be better off with his dad.

Qwertybertie87 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:38:53

As far as I know she met him 2 months ago, how long she was talking to him online before that I'm not sure. He has been travelling up here at the weekends. Sisters ex told me that it was social services in England who contacted social services in this area. She did have pictures of them together on social media so whether someone's reported them or not I don't know. But thank god someone did.

OP’s posts: |
Sexnotgender Tue 15-Sep-20 19:40:02

What an awful situation. It does sound like your nephew is better with his dad though. Much as I’m sure that’s painful for you, his welfare is top priority.

Qwertybertie87 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:40:18

And no, she won't be seeing my daughter at all. Today I've just felt so bad and can't stop crying. I know DN is probably better off with his father but I'm just so devastated she could do this.

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Mmsnet101 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:42:10

Did she have PND and was struggling to cope /bond with her baby? Or addiction issues?

It doesnt sound like she's all too bothered that her baby boy is gone, which is heartbreaking for him.

No way would I prioritise any of the things you listed over my baby,which is why I sort of hope there is more to it?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Tue 15-Sep-20 19:47:48

Now she has had her child taken out of her custody this man will probably lose interest.

These people are very good at love bombing and grooming single, vulnerable mothers.

She may (and hopefully will) step up when this man ends things.

It must be so difficult for you, thank goodness your DNs dad is facilitating a relationship between you flowers

DowntonCrabby Tue 15-Sep-20 19:47:51

Just keep doing what you are OP, supporting the Dad and your DN.

Be very gentle with yourself, it’s ok to be grieving for the way she’s handling all this, you’ll be rightfully furious and devastated. flowersflowers

Qwertybertie87 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:48:12

She adored DN, met all his needs, enjoyed taking him places, house was always clean. No addiction issues. She's always been a bit laid back and soft, she talks about this as if she's lost a cat or something, it's as if it doesn't really matter.

OP’s posts: |
BananaPop2020 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:50:35

Sounds like she has been thoroughly groomed.

LolaSmiles Tue 15-Sep-20 19:50:37

There's not much you can do if she prioritises a spray tan over her child.

Sometimes when family go strong with the anti-partner talk it can make a relative dig their heels in because they desperately want their partner to be right. Could you pass her information about how abusers behave, how they groom adults around a child to gain access to children, and make her aware that sexual offenses again children are not convictions that are easy to get through the system so it must have been proven beyond reasonable doubt? Then take a step back.
A time will come when the penny will drop and she'll need family and friends she can reach out to without fear of "we told you so". At that point you can be the most support.

Qwertybertie87 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:50:44

When she said she missed a contact session because she was getting a spray tan I said to her is that all you've got to bother you is getting a spray tan and she said well I might as well make the most of it seeing as I don't need babysitters. Her and the boyfriend were going out for dinner and drinks. My husband wants to strangle this boyfriend. My heads so confused with all this.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:50:58

I would be permanently finished with your sister if I were you. What she has done is beyond redemption.

DidoAtTheLido Tue 15-Sep-20 19:51:13

Bloody hell, how awful.

All you can do is support the baby's father and keep a relationship with your little nephew. Be there as family for the child.

And be relieved that SS acted quickly and decisively. Bad as this is it could have been a LOT worse.

Qwertybertie87 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:51:16

Bananapop2020 that's what I'm scared about too

OP’s posts: |
LordOfTheOnionRings Tue 15-Sep-20 19:56:51

OP I am so sorry. I can imagine how tough this is.

Has she said anything about why she is choosing this man over her child?

Agree with PP who mentioned PP depression maybe being at play here? And to be with a paedophile 😔 how awful. He might have chosen her because she had a young child, let's see if his interest remains now she can only have supervised contact.

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