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I have just left an abusive relationship. My friends are wanting me to get the police involved but I don’t want to. What should I do?

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Lozbreizh Sun 30-Aug-20 17:45:16

Hi
Yesterday I got assaulted by my now ex boyfriend. I treated him for a meal out and we had a lovely night but we ended up disagreeing on something, I’ve told him to leave it as were enjoying our night but when we left the pub he assaulted me in the tiny street behind the pub. He pushed me onto the floor and grabbed me by the throat so I slapped him but he got me against another wall and started to strangle me, I couldn’t breathe at all and I could see on the corner of my eye a bouncer a few meters away who didn’t move but he was talking to a thingy on his ear. While he was strangling me about 5 or 6 men came to help me and I recognised one of the men who was a pub staff member as he served me drinks during the night . Those men were adamant I needed to come with them and away from my partner , one of them has mentioned seeing us on cctv this is how they came I’m guessing. I rang my boyfriends mum in hysterics asking her to pick me up I was in a state of absolute shock so I didn’t want to follow them and i insisted on telling them my boyfriend parents were on the way to pick us up .I know it does sound crazy that I left with him . He first apologised then started to push me again a few streets away saying it was my fault, that I ruined the night, made a scene in the street and that he would kill himself if I said anything so I started to walk away and I could hear him running to me so I’m guessing this was my instinct kicking and trying to survive but I pretended to be fine “ ok let’s get to your parents and get some sleep “ When we were in car both his parents were silent and I was just crying while my boyfriend was trying to hold my hand, sometimes nicely but sometimes putting pressure on it as to urge me not to cry in front of his parents. When we got home I went upstairs to fetch my bag as I wanted to go back to my flat ( we live together somewhere else ) he closed the door behind him in his bedroom and tried to tell me to stay and when I said no he put his hands on my neck again saying he won’t help me with the rent etc so his dad came and wrestled him on floor while my boyfriend was saying “ is this what you wanted , alright dad let me say bye to the c*nt ) I don’t know where his mum was. His dad drove me home, I gave most of his clothes and things in bag and told him I was done with it all. That was a shocking assault but sadly it wasn’t the first one. He used to be physically abusive in different ways ( pinning me to the bed and shout in my face, once spat on my face, grabbing me by arms which left bruises, driving dangerously with me in the car to scare me, etc ) one particular bad one was while we were on lockdown so I couldn’t go to work, he wrestled me on the floor and I must have dissociated myself from the situation because I can’t remember exactly what happened, I know he didn’t punch me or slapped me I only remember being on the floor and it lasted only a few seconds. The day after I had two black eyes and marks on my forehead and a big lump on my temple and he prevented me to get seen by a doctor ( I was worried as it was a head injury ) and closed all curtains for 2 weeks to make sure I couldn’t be seen. I took pictures and told his parents ( mine live abroad ) and they said they had to get him sectioned before because he has mental health issues. It it quite clear he suffers from some kind of disorder but it’s not an excuse for all the things he’s done and I know you’re wondering why I stayed. I can only say I loved him blindly, and I wasn’t being realistic about the situation and was a hopeful naive woman . What I’m saying is, his parents knew he assaulted me and I’m not sure if they realise the severity of it because it’s their son or don’t want to face the reality. His dad told me yesterday to block my ex and that I deserved better, he seemed lost for words I don’t know . My friends want me to get the police involved but I’m terrified and I it’s not that I want to protect my ex, but sadly I have to process what happened while grieving my relationship and the whole lie it was and I cannot shut down my feelings yet about him so needless to say I am a mess and I don’t feel like I can deal with the police on top of it all. If anyone been in a similar situation I would please ask for your advice . Thank you

OP’s posts: |
Cabinfever10 Sun 30-Aug-20 17:48:14

Your friend is correct phone the police now

VettiyaIruken Sun 30-Aug-20 17:49:58

Photograph your injuries and write a detailed account of what he did.

Then take some time. You are in shock. You don't have to do anything right now. Your friends mean well and yes, reporting him is the right thing to do but you need to do it when you feel able and it doesn't sound like that's today.

TorkTorkBam Sun 30-Aug-20 17:51:57

The attack was serious so his disorder must be serious. The police can refer him to the appropriate services if they think he has a mental health problem. They can also make sure that his disorder does not result in you being battered and bruised again.

Going to the police is important for your own recovery. You may not see it now but you will later.

TorkTorkBam Sun 30-Aug-20 17:53:17

The police dv unit can point you to resources to help you recover faster. They will help you recover not hinder the recovery.

AnotherEmma Sun 30-Aug-20 17:54:38

flowers

I suggest you call 111 and get some medical attention (I guess as it's a bank holiday it would have to be a minor injuries unit or A&E) then there will be a medical record of your injuries which can be used as evidence later if you decide to report. Plus you probably need a medical check anyway.

You could also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for support and advice
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Lozbreizh Sun 30-Aug-20 17:59:34

Thank you for your replies and that you took the time to read my ( long ) post. I have a few pictures which are about 6 months old of bruises on my arms, and more recently I have a dozen pictures of my face from the assault during lockdown. I have shown them to my friend and they didn’t recognise my face it was that bad. He once took his trainer and battered his face with it to tell people I did it if I spoke, and we have numerous holes in the wall at home that I took pictures of too. I know it sounds silly but I’m petrified that he takes his own life if I get the police involved as he threatened me with it a few times, by trying to make me feel guilty. I wish he could stay in a psychiatric hospital for a while more than prison if he has a serious disorder. He just started a well paid job he likes and I’m not in a revengeful path , but I remain scared for my own safety too. I guess it’s right, I am still in shock and I have too many questions in my mind I feel mentally drained.

OP’s posts: |
TorkTorkBam Sun 30-Aug-20 18:03:03

You cannot make him go to a psychiatric unit but the police can.

They are used to people being suicidal. Just let them know he has told you a few times that he is suicidal and they will know what to do. They are very often the first service dealing with a suicidal person. They see a lot.

Lozbreizh Sun 30-Aug-20 18:03:12

Also I forgot to mention I was really scared when he gave me a head injury he let me ring the non emergency number one condition I lied and said I was drunk and had a fight with a woman . The man on the phone didn’t seem to buy my story and probably could hear the fear in my voice( my ex was sat next to me listening ) and I refused to give me my address. The guy on phone kept saying I needed to go to hospital and I ended up putting the phone down . I don’t know wether some calls are recorded

OP’s posts: |
TorkTorkBam Sun 30-Aug-20 18:04:38

If phoning the police seems too hard maybe ask one of your friends to do it and be with you when they come round to talk to you.

ivfdreaming Sun 30-Aug-20 18:05:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VettiyaIruken Sun 30-Aug-20 18:06:48

His type never kill themselves. And even if he did, that would be his choice and not your fault. You are not responsible for him.

Vodkacranberryplease Sun 30-Aug-20 18:12:58

If you don't report him you have no way of getting any protection and you are allowing him to do it to others as there's no record of it. Plus I think there is a fairly real danger he will try to kill you.

It would be extremely foolish not to press charges.

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue Sun 30-Aug-20 18:13:17

That is horrific, of course you're in shock and it's hard to process. But you need to phone the police. The 'good' thing is that for the attack yesterday there will be evidence from the men who saw the CCTV and/or the attack and tried to help you. But please call the police soon and tell them everything, especially that there were witnesses - if you leave it too long then the CCTV might be deleted.

It's not for you to decide whether his behaviour is due to mental health problems (and that might be his parents trying to find excuses) - that's for professionals to work out. Your priority MUST be your safety. The police will help you. They have specially trained officers.

Delphinium20 Sun 30-Aug-20 18:14:12

I truly hope you can stay someplace that is safe. If he's been violent with you, he could hurt other people - I'm thinking his parents or his mother (if his father isn't there to protect her). It sounds like you care about his parents and I'm sure they are also at risk - call the police to at the very least protect them.

Toddlerteaplease Sun 30-Aug-20 18:15:15

You must go to the police now. Your friend is right. You were very lucky to escape with your life.

Lozbreizh Sun 30-Aug-20 18:50:28

My friend who still has him on social media has just seen that he’s currently out partying with his friends which clearly indicates a lack of remorse and that he does not realise the severity of what’s he’s done . I am lost for words

OP’s posts: |
BertieBotts Sun 30-Aug-20 18:54:34

The cctv is a gift honestly. So many women later want to report something but there is no proof. You have got proof.

Do you have children together?

MoseShrute Sun 30-Aug-20 18:55:01

Tell police. The next girlfriend he has could end up dead

Vodkacranberryplease Sun 30-Aug-20 18:57:24

Lozbreizh

My friend who still has him on social media has just seen that he’s currently out partying with his friends which clearly indicates a lack of remorse and that he does not realise the severity of what’s he’s done . I am lost for words

Why are you at a loss for words? Did you expect remorse or emotion? I'm sorry but you need to face up to what he is. He doesn't love you and never did. He's dangerous and violent.

VettiyaIruken Sun 30-Aug-20 20:10:36

He knows the severity of what he's done.

He simply doesn't care.
He thinks you will do nothing. Possibly even go back to him.

I hope you do decide to go to the police when you feel able.

DubaiDublin73 Sun 30-Aug-20 22:23:17

Is there somewhere else you can go tonight OP? Your friends? Apologies if you've already said and I've missed it.

TorkTorkBam Sun 30-Aug-20 23:58:53

He is confident he has gotten away with it. There were many witnesses and CCTV footage of him attempting to murder you. Yet no police have knocked on his door. He knows he is untouchable. He is celebrating. It must feel great knowing you can do really vile stuff in public and nobody is bothered.

Prove him wrong.

Call the police.

Just do it.

TorkTorkBam Mon 31-Aug-20 00:02:29

One could equally argue that you don't realise the severity of his actions either.

You are mucking about stalking his social media after he made a serious attempt to kill you.

If you did realise the severity you would be sitting with police officers making a statement right now.

Get your friend to make the call.

Ilovesausages Mon 31-Aug-20 00:05:50

You are the important one here OP. Get as much support as you can while you decide what to do. But ultimately it is your decision whether you go to the police or not.

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