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is this the end of my 15 year relationship 😢

(26 Posts)
xxxJess123xxx Mon 17-Aug-20 08:56:26

hi all, been with my partner 15 years from when we were both 16.
I love him to bits, cant imagine not being with him. 2 kids, 4 and 1.
But I just don't want any affection from him any more. I'd be quite happy to never have sex again and I don't like kisses. Im ashamed to say it but it makes me cringe.
I have no idea why I'm suddenly feeling like it.
I really don't want to split up. We work so well apart from this issue. Kids would be devastated.
Can i get past this?! How? Any one else experienced this?
Thanks sad xxx

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fmlfmlfmlfm Mon 17-Aug-20 09:00:52

There's a ton of reasons for not wanting sex. Medication, depression, hormones.

Have you spoke to your dp? Sounds like you would be upset to leave him and don't want to split up. Please remember that 15 years is a long time! X and your kids are young. Maybe some counselling might help? Good luck x

xxxJess123xxx Mon 17-Aug-20 09:03:43

Iv started taking st johns wort for low mood and anxiety. I dont feel like I have depression just have bad ibs which gives me anxiety when outdoors away from a toilet so I have started taking that.
Have the copper coil so no birth control hormones.
I really really don't want to split but its also not fair on him x

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Champagneforeveryone Mon 17-Aug-20 09:03:47

I am in a similar but reversed situation. All I can recommend is that you talk to your DH and be completely honest.
DH has not done this and, while I am 100% certain there's nothing seedy going on, the sense of betrayal and rejection is very hard to bear.

xxxJess123xxx Mon 17-Aug-20 09:17:23

I'm definitely going to talk to him x

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xxxJess123xxx Mon 17-Aug-20 09:18:05

its not just sex its even kisses and affection, I cant stand it xx

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Immigrantsong Mon 17-Aug-20 09:19:24


I am in a similar but reversed situation. All I can recommend is that you talk to your DH and be completely honest.
DH has not done this and, while I am 100% certain there's nothing seedy going on, the sense of betrayal and rejection is very hard to bear.

Same here.

It is so heartbreaking.

OP please seek support. This will break your relationship if you don't do something about it.

LunaNorth Mon 17-Aug-20 09:20:45

Your children are very young - still at the climbing all over you stage. I remember being completely ‘touched-out’ by the time my XH came home, and just wanted to take myself off somewhere to decompress and have my body back.

Could it be that?

Codexdivinchi Mon 17-Aug-20 09:27:33


its not just sex its even kisses and affection, I cant stand it xx

I’d be really surprised if that feeling goes away. I carried on for two years with my ex like this. It wasn’t fair on him or me.

You just don’t find him attractive anymore.

We split up and get on really well and co parent the kids great.

I didn’t see it as the end but just another chapter in my life.

The book Too good to leave Too bad to stay is a brilliant book and I really recommend it. It helps sift through what you would be happier doing ( leaving or staying) it walks you through so many parts of your relationship- ones I didn’t even think about and it was like a light bulb going off. Once I read it I knew I’d be happier leaving. And I felt positive about it. You can down load it to your phone. It’s author is a couples and family therapist for thirty years of experience. Excellent book.

xxxJess123xxx Mon 17-Aug-20 09:37:11

I'll have a look for that book, thank u.
Yes the kids are very full on and demanding. Its exhausting.
I only work one and a half days a week, the rest of the time I'm at home with them all day by myself.
I have no friends so go everywhere with 2 kids by myself. Its tough.
I do think when he gets himself dressed up that he looks nice xx

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AnaadiNitya Mon 17-Aug-20 09:47:26

Was the same for me. Although my ex only dressed up when he was going out with me hmm but It’s all the other stuff in between.

What I didn’t realise is that he didn’t support me emotionally. He didn’t meet those needs. I was emotionally and physically drained and it manifested in how I felt about him physically. I took too much on and he was happy to sit back and let me. So he would get pissed off when i wasn’t up for sex. All I wanted to do was sleep.

Get the book flowers

xxxJess123xxx Mon 17-Aug-20 09:51:47

I do find it seriously difficult at home. Its bloody lonely and exhausting and maybe I just can't stand anyone else all over me?!

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TheSlowMow Mon 17-Aug-20 10:09:10

It's exhausting, I hope you both get through this

Rhianna1980 Mon 17-Aug-20 10:11:26

@xxxJess123xxx holding your hand. I think that factoring in lockdown hasn’t been great for relationships either and raising a young family. Do you think you need a break from the stress of looking after kids? September is only round the corner and schools will reopen and you will only have your one year old with you- maybe send him once a week to nursery for some me time ?
We all need a break sometimes

abbidabbi Mon 17-Aug-20 10:20:35

Would you be interested in affection and kisses from anyone right now? For example if an extremely attractive man wanted to kiss you would you be excited?

If not, it's probably not to do with your OH but more than you are just not wanting affection full stop because you have two little children and are exhausted.

xxxJess123xxx Mon 17-Aug-20 10:24:48

Yes I am looking forward to September blush
I get a break at work one and a half days a week but that's not time for me, that's work xx

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WouldBeGood Mon 17-Aug-20 10:30:59

I just found it became one more thing that someone wanted me to do. And that was without lockdown!

I’d second the suggestions of talking to him, and some child free time.

Try before splitting if everything else is ok. It’s very hard on DCs.

xxxJess123xxx Mon 17-Aug-20 10:33:37

I cant even imagine how it would be for the kids. My 4 year old is super anxious and any tiny amount of change causes huge behaviour changes.
I really really want to make it work x

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Di11y Mon 17-Aug-20 10:37:56

Could it be you're all touched out from having such young kids? When I was breastfeeding I didn't want DH anywhere near me.

Di11y Mon 17-Aug-20 10:38:40

Your DH might be patient enough to see how things go. Just because that's how you're feeling right now doesn't mean that's how it's gonna be forevermore.

Spied Mon 17-Aug-20 10:53:43

Could it be that you now feel more of a brotherly/sisterly love for him?
I've had two long-term relationships and tbh after 8/9 years in both relationships I started to feel less attracted to my DP.
I feel like there's no intrigue, no mystery and I've found intimacy feels a bit sordid and ick.

Spied Mon 17-Aug-20 10:55:34

I think you can muddle along for a while but ultimately it won't do you or him any good to pretend it's working and having to put in superhuman effort isn't fair on either of you.

TenDays Mon 17-Aug-20 11:30:23

It may be that you've fallen out of love, or you may just be knackered.

Young children are hard work, and you also have the IBS and the virus/lockdown to contend with.
That's all very stressful. Stress destroys intimacy and desire like nobody's business!

Your DP will have noticed your lack of interest and might be hoping you'll get over it. Remember, after you had the babies he had to get used to celibacy for a while!

You need to talk with him about it. He sounds like a good man - you have respect for him - and should at least listen to you. The sooner you start talking, the better.

LongBlobson Mon 17-Aug-20 12:14:37

Hi OP, I have been in a similar situation when kids were younger.

That stage when kids are so full on, it's really overwhelming physically and emotionally, and I found we had a backlog of relationship issues that we hadn't had time or energy to deal with. Lots of resentments etc and I didn't want any affection let alone sex.

At the time I read loads of advice and at some point was convinced we would have to separate. We ended up working through some emotional stuff and things did improve physically - but this wasn't until youngest was maybe 6. It was super hard but we stuck with it through some tough and v honest conversations.

It hasn't always been easy and we have ups and downs but I have no regrets about sticking with it. Quite happy with affection/sex now!

So in my experience, if it's generally a good relationship it can be possible to work through this exhausting stage and get back to feeling happy and affectionate.

Good luck whatever you decide.

xxxJess123xxx Mon 17-Aug-20 12:18:01

Hes is a good man, and I think he would be happy to wait but probably feels hurts x

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