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Cohabitation Agreement - A different perspective would be appreciated ?

(34 Posts)
PCBristol Thu 13-Aug-20 08:41:36

I met my current partner about 3 1/2 years ago. I was going through a separation with my ex-wife, all fairly amicable. I have 2 kids that live with me half the time. My current partners now lives with me. We have a very good relationship apart from when it comes to the finances. I have managed to accumulate quite a lot of assets and cash have a number of companies so make a decent income. My partner is not really bothered about money and has very little in the way of assets or cash. She spent a lot of time working abroad and stopped all that to be with me (and it was about time ) I did know this at the time we met. Since then I have asked her to do 2 things. The first is to do something that will contribute towards our retirement. I am 45 she is 38. Not asking for a lot, just something so I don't have to fund everything for the both of us. The plan was for her to buy a house and rent it out, in exchange I would pay all our current bills. That has simply not happened and all I get are excuses as to why it hasn't happened. I have sold a number of companies and dont really accept excuses so find that really hard to deal with. The second is to sign a cohabitation agreement to protect my assets. I plan to give a lot to the kids at some point. She refuses to even read the agreement. My divorce cost me a significant amount of money so I want to protect the assets for my future and the kids. I for pretty much pay for everything to allow her to sort out her financial situaion.

It has got to the point where I either accept the situation or ask her to leave the house and stand on her own 2 feet. It is impossible to talk through as she just gets hysterical. Any suggestions ????

OP’s posts: |
AlwaysCheddar Thu 13-Aug-20 08:45:42

Leave her. Tell her to go as she’s freeloading.

AuntieStella Thu 13-Aug-20 08:49:23

She spent a lot of time working abroad and stopped all that to be with me (and it was about time )

She's given up so much for you, and still you're demanding more say over how she arranges her assets. With threat of instant eviction if she does not comply. No wonder she is upset. Any reasonable person would be.

NailsNeedDoing Thu 13-Aug-20 08:56:14

What you need to know is shown in her reactions when you try to talk about this. If you’ve been pushed to the point of making a thread on here then it sounds like decision time.

If she’s getting hysterical, making excuses or refusing to talk about it, then she has no intention of doing what she agreed to. You have every right to protect yourself and your dc, and you’d be a fool not to really. She’s taking the piss by allowing you to pay for everything and making no contribution.

Morfin Thu 13-Aug-20 08:59:23

She's a cocklodger, I'm sure their is an alternative word but it escapes me.

PCBristol Thu 13-Aug-20 09:01:42

@AuntieStella - Thanks for your input. I think this is exactly my point. I have not at any point told her to do anything with her assets. She said she would buy a house to rent and just didn't. I have suggested she speaks to my financial advisor or an impartial advisor about all the options but just keeps putting it off. I have made sure that her assets are completely protected by not asking her to pay towards anything. If she were living on her own, the money she does have would be totally gone. If you could clarify why you feel I am demanding anything. I am asking for fairness and that everyone has to plan in some way for retirement, I personally don't think this is demanding ?

OP’s posts: |
motheroreily Thu 13-Aug-20 09:05:44

What does the cohabitation agreement say? I understand why you want to protect your assets for Your kids.

PCBristol Thu 13-Aug-20 09:15:58

The agreement is a standard agreement with no additions. I just says that we are cohabitating and we both bring certain assets. I have no right over her assets and she has no right over my assets if we split. There are no restrictions of unfair clauses. She would see that if she would even read it. Its not a prenup or anything like that. It is a better safe than sorry document.

OP’s posts: |
PCBristol Thu 13-Aug-20 09:18:17

This was her last year of working abroad (her words not mine). She had been doing it for some time and the year I met her it was her last year. Again, I didn't make that decision it was her.

OP’s posts: |
Prettybluepigeons Thu 13-Aug-20 09:18:36

Why was it " about time" that she stopped working abroad?

motheroreily Thu 13-Aug-20 09:22:08

she'd buy an investment property and you'd both benefit in retirement but you'll pay all bills now? Does she work now? Can she build her own assets?

Why do you think she won't even read the agreement or discuss it?

I think it's the avoidance that would worry me the most. If she could explain why she isn't happy with the agreement I'd feel differently

SonEtLumiere Thu 13-Aug-20 09:30:18

I agree that you have fundamentally different incompatible views on this, but really you don’t come across like a nice person here.

My partner is not really bothered about money and yet, you are using that as a stick to beat her with. Money is important to you, why are you with someone to whom it isn’t, always forcing them to change.

She spent a lot of time working abroad and stopped all that to be with me (and it was about time )

This really sounds like you think she owed you to move from abroad. Or that she was being silly in some way.

Since then I have asked her to do 2 things.
Asked or told?

I have sold a number of companies and dont really accept excuses
She isn’t an employee you know, treating her like one is no basis for a happy relationship, with her, or anyone in fact.

I am asking for fairness and that everyone has to plan in some way for retirement, I personally don't think this is demanding ?

A huge chunk of people don’t/can’t plan for retirement, and although both of us might think it crazy, you are the one who is deciding to live with the crazy. It’s obvious that the rights and wrongs of this are irrelevant, she is as likely to change as you are.
Just end the relationship and stop putting her in a position that she feels is telling her how to live her life. Do you always know best and go on about things to the point of being insufferable.
Is it better to be right or be to be happy?

PCBristol Thu 13-Aug-20 09:42:12

Yes, she works now. Isn't well paid but does work. I have several investments that we will both benefit from. The reason for the property was to reduce our reliance on my planning and her wanting to contribute. One of the biggest issues we have is our different financial positions. I cant help what I did prior to meeting her, it is what it is. No idea why she wont read the agreement. I feel its because she doesn't like facing things (particularly financial) head on.

OP’s posts: |
WaltzingBetty Thu 13-Aug-20 09:46:12

AuntieStella

*She spent a lot of time working abroad and stopped all that to be with me (and it was about time )*

She's given up so much for you, and still you're demanding more say over how she arranges her assets. With threat of instant eviction if she does not comply. No wonder she is upset. Any reasonable person would be.


No she's an adult that made choices. And if she thinks that her choices involved not working abroad so she can freeload off the OP without discussing it with him, she's clearly mistaken.

@PCBristol you clearly need to have a clear conversation around expectations, contributions and finance. If she's not adult enough to to that without getting unreasonably upset then that's your answer.

Holyrivolli Thu 13-Aug-20 09:52:55

She sounds like she thinks you’re her meal ticket in the U.K. No you shouldn’t be funding a grown woman for the next 40 years - if she doesn’t want to do anything to set herself up financially then she’ll have an impoverished retirement. You don’t need to sign a cohabiting agreement - as long as you don’t marry her or have her pay part of your mortgage then you have zero financial obligation towards her. Protect yourself and your kids.

nubeejinnings Thu 13-Aug-20 09:53:48

I think she's got no assets and is scared to admit it. You're her meal ticket!

ZigZagPlant Thu 13-Aug-20 09:59:11

I think there’s an element of you pushing your values onto her. I would stop directing her re her own finances and concentrate on what is important to you re your own.

Is a cohabitation agreement really necessary? It’s not my area of expertise but I understood that it’s only really important if you go on to have children together whilst living under the same roof. Why else would she have any call over your assets?

DPotter Thu 13-Aug-20 10:17:05

If the cohabitation agreement states neither of you has claim to the other's assets and you don't jointly own any assets, why do you need one?

Co-habitees have no rights to the others property on separation or death. You can select anyone for your pension death benefits go to. You can make a will to disburse your property as you wish. If you die tomorrow and your will is in favour of just your children, she would be homeless. If you die tomorrow without a will, all your assets will automatically go to your children and she would be homeless. It's sounds as if she has more to loose then you.

You both have different approaches to money and financial planning for the future. I know the problem - my DP refuses to make a will. I think you're getting hung up of something that's un-necessary. Your DP on the other hand should get her act together but you can't make her. If she's lowly paid and has no assets - how can she buy property? Applications for mortgages are very strict these days.

PCBristol Thu 13-Aug-20 10:51:14

@SonEtLumiere. Maybe its in the way I have written my part, but I don't think a lot of what you are saying is fair. I have never told her to do anything and or forcing her to change, I want to make that very clear. I am funding everything which is not in contention at all, I have no issue with paying for everything. She is very clear that she needs to plan for her (our) retirement, and I am contributing towards helping that and continue to do so. If someone earned £1.5k a month (which is a number I have made up) and had no outgoings whatsoever, would it not be fair to expect that person to make a contribution towards the future of the couple even if it was £50 a month, or is it only fair that one person plans. I would love top up my pensions, is that not a fair way of looking at it ? I am not beating her with any stick, quite the opposite. In the past 4 years she could have gone and done anything as had no financial ties. The point of the agreement is to protect my children, the inheritance is for them and their future. In the same way as if we had children I would do the same there. So to be clear, Ask never told, been given promises that have not been fulfilled, met my obligations without question, supported decisions that havn't materialised. I have never treated her like an employee, however if you are told one thing and it never happens, at what point am I allowed to say enough is enough ?

OP’s posts: |
sonjadog Thu 13-Aug-20 11:02:02

She is not being reasonable. I can see that she might not want to buy property (I wouldn't be keen on that myself), but she can't just refuse to engage with you in discussion of the cohabitation agreement. I think you need to stop thinking for both of you and start just thinking for yourself. Make the arrangements that are needed for you to protect your money and assets for yourself, without factoring her into it at all. That is what she is doing, after all. She is only thinking of herself and what she wants, not what is good for you both.

PCBristol Thu 13-Aug-20 11:04:02

Hi all.....I want to make something clear. I do love her, and I don't think I am her meal ticket. I do think there is an element of being scared about financial situations and what is required in the real world. My issue is that promises have been made and broken. I want to protect my kids regardless of how many I have. The added complication is that I have agreed with her to have children and that child would be protected in the same way as my current children and be entitled to the same share of things.

A recurring theme here is that I am pushing my views on her. I disagree with that. I may be wrong but I strongly disagree with that sentiment. The agreement changes if we have children, other laws etc take over. Its the principle that I want to be secure that if either of us end the relationship we have a clean break.

Thanks for all your comments and discussions

OP’s posts: |
PCBristol Thu 13-Aug-20 11:05:23

I was going to act as a guarantor if needed. She was looking in areas where she is from, you get a lot for your money !

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Thu 13-Aug-20 11:08:27

You shouldn’t with anyone who refuses to have adult discussions about important things like money and retirement planning. That’s the biggest issue.

And I disagree that money isn’t important to her. Yours clearly is.

nicenames Thu 13-Aug-20 11:19:24

Yup, I wouldn't have kids with her. I think that she is hoping that once you have kids together all of this is a bit less relevant, because you will be saving the money for all of the kids and because you will support her (regardless of what happens) to ensure your child with her doesn't miss out. You really need to have all of this sorted and agreed before any TTC.

It is totally fine to keep separate assets to ensure you protect your kids etc. But I really don't think there is a basis for having children together without a level of transparency about what those assets are and what is available to whom.

It sounds as if you are prepared to work this through and have put together a sensible starter for ten and that she won't engage, so if it matters to you to have a grown up relationship where you can talk about money, then I would leave it.

Morfin Thu 13-Aug-20 12:15:16

You've been treated unfairly. If you posted this and pretended to be a woman you would have a thread full of cocklodger comments.

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