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Car not returned saga - continuation and family not talking.

(43 Posts)
WishIWasSomewhereElse Wed 12-Aug-20 15:34:01

I posted after my brother died, about my sister not giving back a car. In the end my parents did get it back.

There is now a new dilemma. A couple of weeks ago my parents went to my sister's house. The car broke down. My mum wanted to call the RAC (which they are members of), but my dad said it was too hot, and they'd do it the next day. So the car is parked on a grass verge, opposite her house.

Then Dsis's boyfriend googled what the problem might be, and told my dad he would fix it. Mum argued that they may as well use the RAC and get it brought home, and he agreed, then there's always been an excuse. Everyday dad would say I couldn't go over the next day as they were going to get the car (it is a few miles away), then there would be a reason they wouldn't go.

The other day my mum rang after she and dad argued over it, and she asked me to speak to dad. He said Dsis's had insisted he could do it, as he'd googled the problem. I said I thought it made more sense to at least use the breakdown service, and let them diagnose the problem, he got angry and said they don't do that (well we've used them twice this year and they have each time).

I suggested that they may want a mechanic to fix this problem at least - or if he wanted Dsis's BF to do it, then bring it home and do it in their private yard (the area he'd do it in, is on a major, busy road, and has lots of cars parked very close on the grass). Dad got angry and put the phone down on me, then phoned up to say the RAC would bring it back and his mechanic would look at it.

I have not once spoken to Dsis about this - I haven't spoken to her since the funeral.

Today mum told me Dsis and her bf had upset dad, as they are both very angry with me, and don't want to see me again. I asked why, and mum said because I told her that her bf shouldn't do the car... as I said I haven't spoken to her.

The RAC cover runs out in a few days, so I guess dad's hand is now forced.

I really don't understand why Dsis is so insistent that her bf fixes the car (he isn't a mechanic, though he is good at fixing things according to her, which surprises me as she's given me (via DP) her son's computer to fix, which I'm surprised her bf couldn't google how to do it!

I don't actually know how to address this. I'm not entirely sure why I'm the one who's caused the upset when I was trying to look out for mum & dad.

I also cannot fathom why Dsis and her bf are so dead-set against moving the car back to my parent's house, and fixing it there, why Dsis has gone hysterical at the suggestion of the RAC (mum's words).

I can't help but think the reason is that her bf is still after the car, surely someone who wanted to do a good deed would happily fix it in the owner's yard, rather than insist it stays at their house?

OP’s posts: |
WishIWasSomewhereElse Wed 12-Aug-20 15:35:13

The reason I haven't spoken to her is she never answers the phone to me, she never even asked about fixing the computer, just left it at my DP's and told them to tell me to do it,

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WishIWasSomewhereElse Wed 12-Aug-20 16:38:29

Any advice anyone?

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TheHighestSardine Wed 12-Aug-20 16:47:33

Push them all in the sea? What a bunch of toddlers you have as family, I'm so sorry.

I'd wash my hands of the whole thing, frankly. There's no point trying to justify yourself, they know they're wrong/lying and don't care. All you would gain would be even more arguments.

SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel Wed 12-Aug-20 16:53:40

I didnt see your original thread so perhaps that explains more, but my first thought was why is this your problem to solve? I would let your parents sort it, its their car.

I can see how you'd want to help your parents to be kind etc, esp as your brother has died and must be a pretty hard time for everyone, but sometimes you can only help up to a point and then you just need to let people do their own thing.

Must be a tricky time for all your family though and difficult to know when to get involved amd when to take a step back.

JudgeRindersMinder Wed 12-Aug-20 16:55:43

The best way to help is to step back and not get caught in the middle

Feralkidsatthecampsite Wed 12-Aug-20 16:58:31

Imo since you aren't talking to dsis anyway, you ring RAC and arrange collection.. Your dps sound too worried to stand up to dsis
You on the other hand have balls op.
Just do it.

Feralkidsatthecampsite Wed 12-Aug-20 16:59:12

The bf fixing it would mean handing keys over.
Not a good idea since it took so long to get the car back..

gobbynorthernbird Wed 12-Aug-20 17:08:09

It isn't your car. Unless you have concerns about your parents' capacity just let them crack on.

ChicCroissant Wed 12-Aug-20 17:09:37

Your parents like the drama over the car. Leave them to it.

YouJustDoYou Wed 12-Aug-20 17:16:36

Sounds like a bunch of immature 12 year olds.

WishIWasSomewhereElse Wed 12-Aug-20 17:17:33

@Feralkidsatthecampsite for some inexplicable reason, my dad gave him the keys when the car broke down (to look after till they came back to wait for the RAC).

It's destroying my relationship with my dad (who is terminally ill).

The short background; Dsis borrowed the car to collect something, then her bf (who sold his car when he moved in with her) decided he liked driving it. Dad said Dsis couldn't afford to tax & mot her car (which dad also gave her), so let them borrow it, till she turned up in another car she owned. They got the car back.

Dsis's boyfriend us unknown as he changed his last name, she claims benefits and he's been living off her sunce he moved in, in April/May time. He's used savings of his to do up dsis's house to sell, but dsis has not declared he lives with her as "he doesn't earn anything".

He went mad at me before we met, when I said we"d need to use this car fo take my parenta to visit my brother (dsis said I'd have to as she wouldn't have my dd jn the car as her bf us blood type A). Our car is too small. My dad got angry at me then, even though us borrowing was to benefit them, dsis having it was for her own gain.

I could keep out of it. But I'm really fucked off that this man has come in, already snatched a pressure washer, welding kit and tile-cutter (supposed to borrow but dsis went mad when I asked if we could borrow the pressure washer for our patio).

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Gingernaut Wed 12-Aug-20 17:19:34

You Dad is being a procrastinating dick.

Too hot to make a phone call to fix a car?

Leave these losers to it.

After all the drama trying to wring the car out of your sister's clutches, I think it's very convenient that the car broke down and your sister's boyfriend knows what's wrong.

Why they're angry at you, I've no idea.

3rdNamechange Wed 12-Aug-20 17:26:02

Bloody hell , leave them to it. Don't understand about the boyfriends blood group confused

Sunrise234 Wed 12-Aug-20 17:33:45

I haven't read your first thread but it all seems very confusing and feels like it is being made into a bigger drama than it is.

Just leave them all to it.
Your parent's car broke down - so they should sort it out.
Let them argue between themselves what day they want to pick it up or if they're going to use the RAC or not.
I can't see why you're even involved at all.

WishIWasSomewhereElse Wed 12-Aug-20 17:34:53

@3rdNamechange The blood group was due to my daughter going to school, and Dsis worrying her bf would catch CV-19 from her. Even though dad is also the same blood type (and terminally ill), that didn't bother her.

I guess the fact it upsets me so much, is that this was my brother's car. He gave it to dad as dad cannot use manual cars as well as automatics. It literally makes me sick to think of him trying to be nice to dad, then this stranger coming in and grabbing it. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he's nice.

I'm also upset that mum & dad are giving Dsis money. No I don't want any, but it makes me angry that she's taking advantage of them (well more dad, she hates mum as mum doesn't capitulate).

It upsets me that dad doesn't like my husband, because this new man 'creeps' round after dad, but my DH works bloody long hours, and doesn't live off me, fraudulently claiming benefits as a single person, whilst being topped up by mum & dad.

Yes, I guess I'm bitter. But I'm worried. I loved my brother so much, and this wouldn't be happening if he was alive, he'd talk sense into dad. But dad is terminally ill, and whilst I try my damned hardest to help them, I find it hard to bite my tongue when they're being exploited.

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EstherLittle Wed 12-Aug-20 17:36:45

I remember your first thread OP.

You can’t do anything right so I would just step back and leave them to it.

I have siblings who love a bit of drama and I have learned the hard way not to get involved.

WishIWasSomewhereElse Wed 12-Aug-20 17:37:43

@Sunrise234 because I don't want this new man, who never even met my brother, to end up with his car! He tried damned hard to get before, then my mum made sure they got it back, now his and my Dsis's anger at the car being towed/fixed and not left at their house is what is causing the anger. I'm also involved as mum & dad are arguing like mad, mum told me she thinks Dsis's bf wants it, I can't think of any other reason it's not back either.

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Sunrise234 Wed 12-Aug-20 17:39:20

Honestly I get you love and are worried about your parents but this stress is not good for anyone - especially if your dad is terminally ill!

Stop bickering over a car. If you think they're being manipulated then you can say but then leave them to it. It is obvious you love and miss your brother but your priority right now needs to be your dad - if that means getting along with your sister or her partner then just do it.

ThaGugaBlasta Wed 12-Aug-20 17:53:15

I can understand all the reasons you feel like this, but you can't argue with stupid.

The best thing you can do is to step back and let it wash over you, somehow. Your brother wouldn't want you to be torn apart in the middle for the sake of a car.

RandomMess Wed 12-Aug-20 17:57:47

Basically DSis boyfriend wants the car long and short of it.

WishIWasSomewhereElse Wed 12-Aug-20 18:03:38

Thank you all flowers

@RandomMess - yep, that's precisely what my mum thinks.

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RoseTintedAtuin Wed 12-Aug-20 18:04:46

I understand your frustration and the sentimental value of the car (read previous post) and the pressure you feel (with grief and illness in family) but... you need to step back and prioritise.
Your relationship with your ill father and reducing the stress on your mother (and yourself) is more important than the car or being in the right.
LC with your sis but apologise to your father regardless of there being no fault. It seems a lot of this is displaced anger due to grief and it just isn’t worth it as it prevents you helping each other through it.

As for the car I would be suspicious it “broke down” and would question whether bf had tampered with it so that he could get keys etc. Which would explain why they don’t want someone else looking at it... regardless though the deed is done and now it’s best to focus on keeping your dad happy and you all stress free (as far as possible).

Aquamarine1029 Wed 12-Aug-20 18:08:37

Ffs, why are you involving yourself in all this drama? Let your parents decide what they want to do and stay out of it. Refuse to be dragged into the middle of this nonsense.

Sunrise234 Wed 12-Aug-20 18:12:29

Are you sure your dad hasn't given the car to your sister? It seems odd that he wouldn't call the RAC then and there or any day since then.

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