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Why don't groups of women like me?

(49 Posts)
Letsallscreamatthesistene Wed 12-Aug-20 11:08:20

Please be honest and give your opinions - dont hold back! Its been something thats been on my mind for a while now so i'd like some honest advice.

Im a woman, early 30's, a nurse, one son and a husband. Im into fitness, and thats where my social circles come from. Its not that im concerned about though. Im a military wife, so move around quite a lot. We tend to live on military 'patch' housing estates. There are always FB groups, coffee mornings etc that are organised by the wives that live there. Some I can go to, some I cant (shifts etc). I never seem to be 'accepted' into the wider group, im always the one thats on the peripheries. One on one its fine, just something always seems 'off' when theres a group. This happened at a destination wedding I went to last year. It was small, maybe 15 people or so. The same happened, I was on the peripheries of the group of women but one on one it was fine. As its something that happens often and in different groups, I think its me or something im doing.

Have you any experience of this? Been in the same position? I'd love some insight.

Thank you x

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barbrahunter Wed 12-Aug-20 11:15:23

Do you like group social situations? Some people feel very awkward when faced with a number of people to deal with all at the same time, I know I do. Can you do small talk, which seems to be the general expectations at gatherings?
What would you like to happen when you're in larger groups?

By the way, I don't think there's anything wrong with you - perhaps you just don't like large gatherings, and I am the same!

zafferana Wed 12-Aug-20 11:16:37

A group of strangers who have never met you and don't know what you're like cannot answer this question OP. Why on earth would you think they could?

barbrahunter Wed 12-Aug-20 11:18:59

Well @zafferana you could say that about most questions raised here, I suppose.

RainbowFlowers Wed 12-Aug-20 11:23:18

It could be that it just takes longer to get into the group and since you move around a lot uoure not there for long enough.

Also just to throw some suggestions out there...

It could be something simple like having resting bitch face. Which doesn't appear when you are one to one because subconsciously you know the attention is always on you.

It could be that you are OK with silence and people around you are not so misinterpret it as you not being interested.

Or

It might be that you are looking for validation through a group so your expectations are higher for a group rather than face to face. So you may actually be considered closer to the group than you feel. I hope that one makes sense.

zafferana Wed 12-Aug-20 11:25:06

There are a ridiculous number of posts along the lines of 'why don't people like me', I agree @barbrahunter. Tbh, if the poster is daft enough to think that a load of strangers on the internet can answer that question, they probably have their answer!

user1294625849274 Wed 12-Aug-20 11:30:00

I never seem to be 'accepted' into the wider group

What does this mean? Can you give some examples?

Letsallscreamatthesistene Wed 12-Aug-20 11:32:28

It could be small talk I suppose. I think perhaps that might be something I could work on - thank you.

Large social gatherings arent that fun to me, but they seem to be necessary in the type of social groupings I encounter outside my normal circle. Its these I cant seem to get passed

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LilOldMe Wed 12-Aug-20 11:34:19

I moved town a few years ago, and my youngest son started Junior school at the same time as another boy and his mum.

She made a huge effort to be friendly and chatty with everyone, and now has a huge circle of friends. I was really shy!! And I never really felt like I fitted in at all. I have a handful of friends now. But I've never really felt confident enough to be myself.

She's younger and prettier than me, so it's not an envy thing. She was just really nice, bubbly and fun. I stood in the playground looking strained and stressed!

Letsallscreamatthesistene Wed 12-Aug-20 11:35:30

I do have resting bitch face! Its something thats been commented on before.

Thanks, theres some helpful insights here.

To those who dont have anything helpful to say - why comment? Why spend time from your day writing something unhelpful/mean? I think that says more about you guys than it does about me

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Letsallscreamatthesistene Wed 12-Aug-20 11:36:44

I stood in the playground looking strained and stressed!

I relate to this!

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imapenguin Wed 12-Aug-20 11:40:22

Op if large gatherings aren't enjoyable for you then don't go. I'd focus on getting to know the same women in smaller groups or one on one. I accepted a long time ago that I'm not a 'big group of friends' person. Since I just started to focus on getting to know people one on one and doing my own thing, I've been a lot happier.

Moondust001 Wed 12-Aug-20 11:40:33

I've always had the same "problem". I can do it in professional settings, but I am useless at small talk. Because most of it bores the hell out of me, and I generally haven't got a clue about much of the subject matter anyway. It's never really bothered me because I didn't feel an overwhelming desire to fit in to it, but when in such situations I do often end up on the periphery. I don't enjoy them anyway, and have no desire to know about a load of gossip. So I just accept that is who I am. I don't need to be like them.

hadtojoin Wed 12-Aug-20 12:13:00

I find interacting more helps me. If you can listen to the conversations and make small comments it is one way to join in. Like they are talking about someone moving you could say 'Do they like the area?' or 'did the move go ok' then you can carry on the conversation. Or try and remember if someone mentions that a friend/relative etc is ill the next time you see them you could ask how they are. Just add little bits to their conversations so you are included.

FluffyKittensinabasket Wed 12-Aug-20 12:44:05

Military wives are a funny breed! I once went to a coffee morning for mums and babies and they were a bit off with me after they found out I was an officer’s wife. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anordinarymum Wed 12-Aug-20 13:20:35

It's all about gossip. Do not concern yourself too much about it. Once you are 'in'.. you can never leave. It's like the Mafia, and when you are in that circle and they are all gossiping, and you dare to leave first, you can be sure they will all turn on you and talk about you.
You are better off on the periphery

Belle1983 Wed 12-Aug-20 13:51:41

@Letsallscreamatthesistene, I was a military wife for 12 years (unfortunately one of the stats of divorce now), however I never really felt I fit in either.
I worked, didn't have kids and put a lot of effort into maintaining my friendships I'd made through work before moving.
I was regularly called antisocial because I couldn't just pop round for coffee etc. And I would never just arrive at someone's door unannounced after work when people may be sorting out kids, husbands etc.
It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with the other wives, but my lifestyle was quite different.

Perhaps reflect on some of the points made, and if you can work on anything that's great.
But maybe it's not you. Maybe you are a better 'fit' for other groups outside the military community.

Good luck though. It's never nice feeling like you're on the periphery.

Letsallscreamatthesistene Wed 12-Aug-20 15:28:41

Thanks to those who've mentioned military wives specifically - it does feel as if its a bit of a tribe which im not part of.

I think id just really like to be invited over to someone elses for drinks or something. I see a lot of it going on, next door had a couple of wives over last night. I guess im just feeling a bit left out!

To clarify, this isnt a thread about people not liking me. I have friends that are related to my hobby and im happy with that. I suppose this is just another aspect of life that id like to be part of, but im finding it difficult.

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Belle1983 Wed 12-Aug-20 16:21:59

@Letsallscreamatthesistene how long have you been within the military circles?

Not that it makes it any easier, I'm just wondering if this is a particularly challenging posting?
I lived in 3 different places over the 12 years, and one posting was far, far worse than the others. I'd never felt like I was so different till that point, but due to the location and types of regiments coming together, far more of the wives didn't work and were full time mums.
No matter how hard I tried, I was just at a totally different place.

Sending hugs...an invite here and there does make a big difference.

Everythingmagnolia Wed 12-Aug-20 16:26:50

I can totally relate to you. I am a military wife also, and have moved around a lot.

To be honest, I wouldn't want to be in the "in" crowd. When I was abroad, I got into a group that you would probably describe as the "in" crowd. For the 1st time I felt like I had a really good group of friends. However the more I got to know them, I realised that they were really bitchy. If someone couldn't make it to a BBQ, coffee etc, then they would all say horrible things about that person, and I would sit there feeling uncomfortable, but i still tagged along because I had no one else.

One day, we were all round one of their houses when an argument broke out, resulting in one of the mothers smacking their daughters repeatedly. I got up and walked out. They all turned their back on me, their kids were no longer allowed to play with mine, they would give me dirty looks, talk about me, I even had notes put on my car saying that I was a snob etc. It was awful.

I have made 2 real friends since my husband joined 12 years ago. I have a lot of acquaintances though. I also find that as my husband has moved up the ranks, it has been harder to make friends, which is a shame because I am not interested in rank. There are definitely wives who treat me differently since my husband has out ranked theirs.

I do appreciate that not all army wives are like this though, I have met some lovely people, we just haven't become close for whatever reason.

Yeahnahmum Wed 12-Aug-20 16:33:25

You said it yourself that you don't like group settings. But you complain when your not invited to them hihi. That is a bit weird.

Just be happy that 1 on 1 it is great.
Your 'not like the group setting ' must ,unknown to you, seep out of your pores. You would give off a vibe.

Check that maybe next time. What is it you are doing /not doing in a group setting

idril Wed 12-Aug-20 16:39:36

I don't think people dislike me but they don't especially like me either although like you I'm fine one to one.

I think it's because I'm not funny and I don't laugh a lot and I'm not at all tactile or good with terms of endearments. I am smiley, chatty and friendly but I have a very odd sense of humour and I'm not a good "story teller". If I have something to say, I say it as succinctly as possible as I always things people aren't that interested in what I have to say.

I don't know whether this is why I'm not a particularly popular person but I think it has something to do with it.

It doesn't really bother me though as I'm a bit of an introvert although I am not shy.

Letsallscreamatthesistene Wed 12-Aug-20 16:41:29

@yeahnahmum its because group settings etc are the norm in the military patch community

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Yeahnahmum Wed 12-Aug-20 16:44:06

Well then i guess you have to work on yourself then op. Dont blame them for not letting you into their little group. Change yourself and see how it can work miracles smile

ChocolateCoffeeCake Wed 12-Aug-20 17:56:43

I feel I am similar. I love my old group of school friends but find it difficult to meet new women. During the lockdown, I had a zoom call with 2 good friends. One was talking and I was intently listening to her. I felt involved in the conversation and that it was going well. I then noticed the image of myself (zoom call) and thought 'god I look bored and miserable!' It was a real shock to me because I definitely did not feel like that, I felt really invested in the conversation. I suppose I just have a naturally miserable face...! It made me think that when meeting new people, they are just going to think I'm miserable so I need to work on my natural face! Haha!

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