I hate being a parent! But you can never say it out loud can you

[Wishingforanotherlife]

Having a shit morning, a shit time generally. My life looks great on the outside but I hate it. I hate the responsibility, the constant worry, the fucking drudge, this fucking pandemic, fucking teenagers, trying to be the best Mum I can but just being a grumpy, miserable cow who has probably passed that baton onto my poor kids. I had a particularly shit year last year and was dragging myself back out of the pit but everything I used to do that I took pleasure from I cannot do anymore either due to injury or fucking Covid. I'm sick of the sight of my beautiful house and garden, I'm sick of the sight of my beautiful town, I'm sick of hate and 'othering'. I'm sick of feeling inadequate, I'm sick of feeling unmotivated, I'm sick of feeling tethered by family commitments.

I want to just fuck off, not bother anyone or be bothered by anyone. I'm just not cut out to be a parent but I am one and I'll always be one and it's fucking terrifying. I don't take the great pleasure and joy that others seem to. It's so fucking hard, at every stage. Bawling babies, sleepless nights, toddlers, kids, needs, wants, needs, wants, judgey other parents, troublesome teens. God it's fucking relentless and they deserve a better Mum because they are wonderful, healthy, clever, kind and perfect. Unlike me!
I will never enjoy it, it sucks! If you're in a shit job you can change it but you can't change being a parent. I should be counting my blessings but I just feel so fucking trapped.

Rant over.