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Is this a rubbish thing for friends to do or..

(23 Posts)
FinnyStory Wed 05-Aug-20 09:31:49

I do know I'm feeling very fragile atm so I suspect it's me.

DH has just had a cancer diagnosis, surgery planned in 2 weeks.

I have a friendship group, 8 of us, 4 couples, who often meet up for mostly outdoor activities and/or lunch. Occasional trips away. We'd planned a trip at the start of lockdown, which I organised and which was cancelled.

Anyway, since the diagnosis they've all been in touch to say "here if you need me", "let me know if you want to go out for a walk/chat/coffee" which is nice, except that they've just arranged to take a trip similar to the one I'd planned and will all be away most of next week. We were invited but they must have known we can't go. DH is physically unable to do the activity and in any case has to isolate ahead of the op, which they know.

I know everyone's fed up and wants to get away from it all but it's really upset me that not only have they arranged the trip knowing we can't go but also that all my friends and their promised support are disappearing and leaving me just as I need them.

I do realise I'm very easily upset atm but surely as long standing friends they should appreciate that too and been a bit more considerate? Or, I can't expect them to put everything on hold just because I have to?

OP’s posts: |
TeenPlusTwenties Wed 05-Aug-20 09:35:13

I'm sorry you are going through this.
However I think you can't expect them to put everything on hold.
Will they be back before the surgery?
Hopefully they will be available by phone?

Sofasogood1 Wed 05-Aug-20 09:39:00

You can't expect them to put things on hold op. How long is the trip? Surely they aren't deserting you for that long? Do you have other friends or family around for the weekend/week they're not about?

Hope things get easier for you soon flowers

dudsville Wed 05-Aug-20 09:39:06

It sounds like you're going through an awfully hard time, during what is globally a very weird time. Your friends sound caring and I imagine you feel hard done by how life is at the moment and that you and your dh can't be with them.

itsaratrap Wed 05-Aug-20 09:41:47

So sorry that your husband and you are going through this.

It’s hard, I know, but I don’t think you can expect your friends to do nothing until your husband’s treatment is complete. All the best.

FinnyStory Wed 05-Aug-20 09:43:30

I dont expect them to do nothing but taking "our" trip and all going away together without us is quite hard to take.

OP’s posts: |
Shinyletsbebadguys Wed 05-Aug-20 09:45:28

I'm sorry I cannot imagine what you are going through but no I'm afraid you can't expect the rest of the group to put their lives on hold. I would understand if they are away during the surgery itself but it doesn't sound like it.

sausagetown Wed 05-Aug-20 09:54:07

So the trip is before your DH's operation? Is it possible they think you might need more support after the op, when your DH is recovering, so they want to make sure they're around to help then?

Best wishes with the treatment and recovery.

saraclara Wed 05-Aug-20 09:55:26

Sorry. I've been through something similar, but you cannot expect people to put their lives on hold. Especially at the moment when things are all over the place and no-one knows when they'll be able to do this sort of thing again.

Presumably they'd arranged time off for the trip that was cancelled. You can't really expect them to waste that.

I know it hurts, I really do. But for a while you'll be living a life that runs in parallel to them. It will feel like everyone else's life is going on normally while yours is so different. Other people will have felt the same about you when they've been going through their own hardships.

All the best for your husband's treatment.

FinnyStory Wed 05-Aug-20 09:57:12

No they had to arrange new time off for this trip, which was done this week, the original one was supposed to be in April. We were all on leave then with nowhere to go.

OP’s posts: |
formerbabe Wed 05-Aug-20 09:59:03

In the nicest possible way, yabu...they invited you. You can't go. They don't have to cancel because of this. Your life has changed dramatically but there's hasn't and it doesn't mean they won't be there for you or support you.

Wishing your dh well flowers

itsaratrap Wed 05-Aug-20 10:03:12

Today 09:43 FinnyStory

I dont expect them to do nothing but taking "our" trip and all going away together without us is quite hard to take.“

Sorry, absolutely no offence intended.

I had cancer myself 4 years ago and honestly, it wouldn’t have troubled me. Everyone is different though, obviously.

All the best.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 05-Aug-20 10:04:24

Op I think I'd feel quite hurt too. Was it planned after you told them about the diagnosis? Will they be back before the op? DID they know you're isolating or are you just assuming they'd know, as in could they have thought this would be nice for him not realising you couldn't go?

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead Wed 05-Aug-20 10:08:56

I can see why you feel hurt Op, but in the kindest possible way, you are being unreasonable. In these current times, everything is so uncertain and you can't blame them for wanting to get away on a long overdue trip. Wish them well and lean on them when they're back again.

Thislittlelady Wed 05-Aug-20 10:21:30

Sorry you’re going through this. I think that if you look at it from the view that dh and therefore you ,also, have to isolate, then you would have only been able to communicate via phone/messenger/face time anyway? So they will still be able to support you. I know it probably seems unfair but I’m sure if they are the good friends you say they are, you will still be in regular contact with them. Good luck for dh surgery💐

eaglejulesk Wed 05-Aug-20 10:45:03

I'm so sorry you and your DH are going through such a tough time, but I have to agree with pps, you can't expect your friends to put their lives on hold. It's unfair to expect them to miss out on the trip, and they are only going to be away for a short time so will still be able to support you. Best of luck to your DH.

Dozer Wed 05-Aug-20 10:46:47

V sorry your DH is unwell.

Don’t think your friends have been at all unreasonable though.

Ladymuck Wed 05-Aug-20 10:51:51

As someone who does a lot of the organising for such trips amongst my friends, I do feel for you. I suspect that you will have thought carefully about the dynamics of the group, where to go and what activities all members of the group would enjoy. So for me the particularly hurtful aspect would be that the person arranging this break clearly didn't put the same level of thought into what would work for you.

I do also feel that these are really strange times. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Equally it is hard to know how other people are coping, and at some level this trip may be a case of "fit your own oxygen mask first".

MindyStClaire Wed 05-Aug-20 13:36:25

I'm going to go against the herd on this one - we have a close group of friends, 10 of us. School friends plus partners, we're like family. If any of the couples were going through a cancer diagnosis, I just can't imagine the rest of us heading off for a trip away leaving two behind. It just wouldn't happen, it would feel both heartless and weird.

I guess with a less close group, it wouldn't be as weird so it maybe depends on how close the group is.

I hope your husband's treatment goes well and this is soon a distant memory for you both.

FinnyStory Wed 05-Aug-20 14:40:02

Thanks Mindy. I know they need to carry on, there's no point everyone being miserable. It's the way that within days of hearing the news they've organised the trip. I'd understand completely if it was something planned previously. It just seems a strange thing to do now.

OP’s posts: |
Rudyruby Wed 05-Aug-20 14:50:02

I think it is insensitive and would feel hurt. However, I don't think it is malicious just thoughtless.

Dozer Wed 05-Aug-20 17:07:03

It’s the summer, not at all strange to take a break. No one could plan much before now due to Covid. Whoever has organised it may well have decided to do so, using the previous plans, before hearing your news. Even if they hadn’t, and have just decided to do it, that’d still be understandable IMO.

Wecandothis99 Wed 05-Aug-20 17:12:39

Sorry for what you're going through but you are being unreasonable. But I think many of us would see things in a different light when going through a tough time. Concentrate on your husband and not resentment towards them if you can. Good luck with everything!!

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