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Can anyone help me and DH think this through?

(19 Posts)
Alloverthegrapevine Wed 29-Jul-20 15:52:04

DH needs a major operation. If it goes well he should make a full, if lengthy recovery, but he has been warned it carries significant risk of death. If he doesn't have the op he will die. So, all a lot to deal with etc etc

However, that is not "the" issue. He has been NC with his parents and sister for approx 15 years and we are wondering what, if anything to do about telling them.

He absolutely does not want them thinking this is a cue to be in regular contact or, heaven forbid, turn up to see him.

However, he is concerned that if the worst happened, they would be furious with me for not telling them sooner and that would make a difficult time even worse.

They would blame me, no matter how much they were told it was his choice.

Is there a solution?

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Aquamarine1029 Wed 29-Jul-20 15:57:09

Would it really matter if they blamed you? You wouldn't even have to ever speak to them. You could send them a letter to notify them of his death and that would be it.

I definitely would not contact them before the operation. He's been nc for 15 years for a reason. You don't want to open that door.

SnuggyBuggy Wed 29-Jul-20 15:58:09

If the worst happened and they blamed you would it matter? Do you see them? Do they live near?

Alloverthegrapevine Wed 29-Jul-20 16:00:42

Nice in theory but it would matter that they turned up shouting, harassed my parents, tried to get to my children. Yes.

I have visions of them ranting on my driveway. As you say, NC for a reason.

I'm wondering if he should write the letter now, to be delivered only if necessary?

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worriedmumofdd Wed 29-Jul-20 16:00:59

He could write them a letter for you to give them, if the worst should happen? Otherwise, who gives a shit what they think? Your DH is of course trying to protect you but it sounds like an impossible situation.

You don't need to add to your (no doubt) already high stress levels, so maybe deal with it if/when it happens. thanks

Alloverthegrapevine Wed 29-Jul-20 16:01:23

Yes, they live close enough that they could easily be a problem if they wanted to be.

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worriedmumofdd Wed 29-Jul-20 16:02:02

Great minds OP x

Feralkidsatthecampsite Wed 29-Jul-20 16:02:18

We are nc with dh's dps. I wouldn't consider ringing them in such circumstances...

Thriceisnice Wed 29-Jul-20 16:02:18

Yes, I agree with your suggestion of a letter to be sent only if needed. Sorry you are having to consider this OP, good luck to you both

Dyrne Wed 29-Jul-20 16:02:24

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

If I was him, I’d not tell them; but leave a sealed letter to them with someone neutral (a solicitor if you have one for his will?). Then if the worst does happen and they kick off they can get given the letter outlining what his wishes were (I.e that they not be informed) and possibly telling them that their own behaviour led to them not being informed, depending on how much he wants to go at it both barrels.

I definitely wouldn’t tell them until you’d made the decision one way or the other so they couldn’t come and try to change his mind.

Dyrne Wed 29-Jul-20 16:03:00

Ah cross post - you’ve already had the letter idea!

SnuggyBuggy Wed 29-Jul-20 16:04:00

In that case a letter would be the best idea.

Dyrne Wed 29-Jul-20 16:04:44

Oh and please lean on friends if you’re worried about their reaction - if I had a friend in need like this I wouldn’t even think twice about settling in to play bouncer and tell the harassers in no uncertain terms to piss off

labyrinthloafer Wed 29-Jul-20 16:05:07

I also thought a pre-written letter or pre-recorded video.

I think the problem is you don't want to open a can of worms unnecessarily.

I assume the likelihood of him dying is significantly lower than chance of living? I hope so! In which I would work on that basis, with something prepared for if the worst did happen.

Candacewasalwaysright Wed 29-Jul-20 16:05:48

Just for context, I am NC with my in laws and my DH is as low contact as you can be without being NC. We had a situation recently where they got in touch and making noises about more contact. DH was vague but when done with them absolutely sure that there would not be more contact. Fortunately they can't just drop in on us as not close enough.

In your situation there's no way we would tell them anything beforehand. They'd turn into the world's best parents and would turn up at the hospital or at our home after, and that's a stress we wouldn't want to be dealing with after such a major operation.

If all goes well, there's no need for them to know anything. If it doesn't, I wouldn't personally let them know immediately while I wrapped my head around everything. They would make it all about themselves and be no use or help to me in sorting out matters.

NC happens for a reason.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 29-Jul-20 16:07:46

Yes, they live close enough that they could easily be a problem if they wanted to be.

Again, does it really matter? If they show up, do not answer the door and call the police immediately. You could then get a protection order of they continued the harassment.

Personally, I wouldn't even be concerned about them right now. Chances were your husband will be perfectly fine. If the worse happens, you can take all the time you need in order to deal with it. Just don't tell them now.

Candacewasalwaysright Wed 29-Jul-20 16:08:16

Oh, and the pre-written letter sounds like a great idea.

I'm so sorry that they would turn up and harass you. I would also call the police if they did.

Alloverthegrapevine Wed 29-Jul-20 16:10:22

"Again, does it really matter? If they show up, do not answer the door and call the police immediately. You could then get a protection order of they continued the harassment."

Yes, it all sounds so simple but not something you'd ideally be dealing with alongside bereavement. Pretty traumatic to have the police dealing with harassment at any time.

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Alloverthegrapevine Wed 29-Jul-20 16:15:50

I don't know what they'd do TBH. They'd be devastated and that would be all about them, it wouldn't matter that me and DC are devastated too.

If we told them now they would definitely be perfect concerned parents but even that would be in a selfish way, demanding their right to time with their DS iyswim, which he doesn't want, so we won't that.

I they aren't told in advance though, they will be furious that "I" deprived them of that time.

Yes, he's been warned there is significant risk but the odds are still in his favour. Thank you.

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