If no one has ever fallen out with you, what's your secret?

[Annabesque]

I have plenty of good friends, but I also find as I've gone through life that no matter how much I try to avoid drama and conflict, narcissists fall out with me and cause a big drama and big fall out about it.

To give a few examples:

Became friendly with a school mum who had a DS in my son's year at school, when the boy's were in reception, as the boys became very good friends. She was a narcissist and the second I wouldn't do something she wanted to (she wanted to go to the beach on a bank holiday with me but I was busy with other plans) she fell out with me and spent the entire 7 years my son was at primary school bitching loudly about me to others at collection time. She did go on to fall out with most other mums in the year but it was a hassle I could have done without.

Secondly, a woman I met through a hobby I've done for years. Again, obvious fairly early that she was a narcissist but I tried to be kind, and gave her lifts to and from the hobby and helped her in other ways. Cue her falling out with me one night when I was ill and couldn't give her a lift, and causing drama with others in our hobby group (hobby is netball BTW), saying I'd been mean to her.

Thirdly, the woman next door to us is a narcissist too; very unpleasant and self righteous, the kind that will bump into someone in the street then start effing and blinding at them! She makes lots of noise in their garden but gets annoyed if we even talk in our back garden, and finds fault in everything we do. She kicked up an almighty fuss when we wanted to take down a hedge on our boundary and put a fence there and to keep the peace we kept the hedge there but then she kicked off because she wanted us to trim it monthly on her side. We have gone out of our way to keep the peace and keep her happy but she makes it known that she does not like us. Her neighbours on the other side are frosty with us as no doubt she's told them some crap about us.

So, if you're lucky enough to never have had anyone determined to fall out with you, what's your secret?

[Bunnybigears]

Don't associate with narcissistic people?

[LolaColaMola]

I don't really talk to other people I am a people pleaser in general but I don't really get above a polite "hello how are you" with neighbours/school mums etc. There is pros and cons to it! But ultimately I'm a massive introvert

[Annabesque]

How do you avoid them though? Ignore them from day one? Or give them a chance and being kind.

[Ilikewinter]

Stop trying to be a people pleaser!.

[Frownette]

Detachment. You can be kind, but shrug your shoulders if they're off on one and take a step back.

Unfortunately there are lots of people like that but don't let yourself absorb it, if that makes sense?

[Eminybob]

I think it’s definitely who you choose as friends. Either that or it’s you.

I’ve never fallen out with anyone as an adult, apart from my mum. She falls out with everyone all the time. She lost her lifelong best friend, she has periods of time where she doesn’t speak to other friends and family members. I remember as a child we didn’t see my Nan for a year because my mum fell out with her.
It’s definitely her that is the problem.

(I’m not saying it is you btw, it does sound like it’s the people you are choosing to associate with)
My advice would be to look out for the red flags from day 1 and then just distance yourself.

[borisjohnsonsstylist]

The one stand out factor in these three examples is that it's not a fallout between you and one other, there's a "she turned them against me" factor in all of them.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

I'm a people pleaser and very good at reading people. I used to be a real walk over and would often inconvenience myself for others. I'm also really laid back. Now I have boundaries in place, I find I'm actually a bit antisocial and will only spend time with people who don't take the piss and that I really like.

[Tlollj]

Considering narcissism is a rare disorder you seem to meet a lot of them.
Just don’t get involved, take a step back. Not everyone is going to like you just you don’t like everyone.

[Xiaoxiong]

I haven't fallen out with anyone. The theme in all of these is you doing things to "be nice" that to be honest I just won't do (eg I never give lifts, I don't do big favours for neighbours like garden work). The phrase "no good deed goes unpunished" does spring to mind...I do keep myself very busy though so people never ask me for lifts and favours.

[ZaZathecat]

It takes me a while to make friends as I'm wary of getting in too deep with people that I ultimately I won't like. It's worth it though, as all the friends I do eventually make are nice people with no drama attached.

Twice in my life I've been drawn into a friendship very quickly, and those friendships did not last.

[IdblowJonSnow]

Avoid narcissistic people!
And stick up for yourself when people bitch about you! Cultivates a 'dont fuck with me vibe' and then people won't! You don't need to he undignified about it.

[Penhaligon]

Sounds like you've been unlucky.

I tend to take a while to get to know people and I don't get too close until I'm sure about them and whether or not we would get on. That way, you can easily move on before you become too entangled and the people I count as my friends are people I can trust.

[AudaCityLimits]

I think it's unlikely they were all narcissists. It's very rare. They might be selfish and self-obsessed and arseholes but I don't get the need to diagnose like that.
I hate any animosity or falling out, but it has happened twice in my adult life, both with very good lifelong friends. One of them dumped me suddenly, deleted me on social media etc- She was my best mate, and I have no idea what happened. The second was a very close friend who had an affair with my partner. I found the messages. She told everyone it wasn't really an affair, I was being crazy and jealous, and it has stunned me the amount of people who went along with that.

[Nighttown]

I agree with a pp that you appear to meet a lot of ‘narcissists’, for something that’s a pretty rare condition, and that the other common denominator is that you seem very anxious to please these people.

I’ve never experienced anything like you describe. My friendships are important to me, but I am also fussy about who I become friends with, and would never make friends with my child’s friends’ parents or neighbours — I also proceed with new friendships slowly.

And I’m simply not that anxious to please other people. I’m continually baffled by how many posters on Mn seem to view friendships as a complex web of obligation, and describe as ‘friends’ people they don’t even like who mistreat them, while they wail about all the favours they’ve done for them.

My advice is to go slowly with new acquaintances, think ‘Do I really want this person as a friend?’ and keep them as an acquaintance if not, and stop expecting your people-pleasing to guarantee good behaviour from others.

[cansu]

Maybe you become friends with people too quickly?

[Jeremyironsnothing]

Strong boundaries. No one will mess me around as they know that would be the end of the friendship.

Or maybe I'm just lucky

Or maybe I only get really friendly with people once they've appeared to be nice and normal for a while.

[Pootles34]

Yeah you need to stop being friendly to narcissists. Everyone else will have figured them out and given them a wide berth - you need to do the same. Polite, but detached.

[doyounothavegoogle]

Can you tell us how you know that all of these people are narcissists?

[Helpmyhair2019]

Similar things happen to me op. For example, our boundary fence. It was an old crappy (dangerous) wire one but I was so keen to not upset our elderly neighbours by removing it (they liked the view across our garden) that we left it up. Two years later we’ve had to change it to a proper fence as my nephew hurt himself on it and we realised enough was enough. We explained all this to the neighbour and she has turned bat shit crazy on us! I have realised from all this I should not have taken their feelings into account in the first place as their feelings were actually inreasonable!
I was brought up to always be polite and put other people first but it’s only now in my 40’s that actually that just meant shut and up and put up with other people’s crap!

[VettiyaIruken]

I'm not very sociable. I don't really do small talk (or more accurately I am shit at it) and I don't care about strangers, interacting with them or getting to know them.

It can be lonely sometimes (more when I was younger. The older I get the more I like a life not having to interact with people) but when I tried to fake it, people could tell.

I've got one friend and she is exactly like me. We get along brilliantly.

Not really interacting with people has its upside with a complete lack of drama 😁

[Dozer]

You seem to be armchair diagnosing people!

It’s not at all “kind” to spend time socially with people you dislike or who have traits you dislike.

[Northernsoullover]

It depends what you mean by a fall out. Do you mean an actual row? I just don't engage with shit behaviour. For example my friend is always late to meet me. I've got really strict boundaries now. If you aren't ready by 6 I'm going without you type. I tend to withdraw from people who mess me around.

[Atla]

I differentiate between friends and acquaintances and dont give more than I want to give to people. I wouldnt be committing to weekly lifts/car shares or doing garden work for neighbours unless they were people I genuinely knew very well and liked.

I set my expectations low of people - i am friendly and nice to school gate mums and neighbours but they are acquaintances, not friends. Friendship generally develops over time - just like dating, you can click with someone and have a great rapport but how well do you really know them?

Ha! I sound like a suspicious old goat, I'm really not. I hate drama though and if someone starts it I will generally detach and leave them to it.

[neeting]

You sound like a people pleaser with weak boundaries. I say this because I am too. After another experience like yours, I'm now looking inside myself for answers.

Read up on codependency. Think about why you are like you are. There's loads of resources and info online to help you create strong boundaries and learn to say no.

I know how it feels. I am determined never to let it happen to me again.