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Bedrooms in both parents houses?

(42 Posts)
Veganforlife Fri 24-Jul-20 13:11:55

So I’m a 70s child ,parents divorced age 7 ,most weekends I went to my dads ,I stayed some weeks in the holidays Too
Never knew where I was sleeping till I got there ,if older step kids were at uni I got to sleep in a bed
If everyone was home I slept on a blow up bed on the floor in the dining room.
I had a room at my mums house ,never occurred to me I should have a room at my dads as well.
Were my expectations to low?
When did it become a thing for children to have a room at both houses ..
I can’t see how my dad could of given me a room to myself ,there simply wasn’t one.
I’m just thinking ,it’s a huge pressure on a family to leave a room empty just waiting for a child to visit a few times a month .

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Darkestseasonofall Fri 24-Jul-20 13:22:22

I think times have changed. In the 70s families were generally bigger and houses smaller for working class families, so own room was a rarity for most people.
It was almost seen as "visiting" Dad after divorce, rather than having 2 homes, as that's the way it was viewed.
Now people want to be more coparents rather than child lives with Mam and occasionally sees Dad, hence people wanting to give a child a bedroom at each house.
Although there does seem to be, on MN at least, a desperation to get ALL stepchildren out of their bedrooms as soon as there is a whiff of a new baby, a woman a few days ago wasn't even sure she was pregnant and was already planning to kick her dc out of the bigger spare room, it seems unnecessarily cruel.

Veganforlife Fri 24-Jul-20 13:31:52

I suppose I often see threads on here about children having rooms in both houses ,.i think I would of loved it ..I had a step sister the same Age as me ,and her bedroom was like something out of a toy shop ..he married a very wealthy woman .
He wasn’t a co parenting type ,he was a walk away type ,so I was always just great full he actually still bothered with me

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TwoShades1 Fri 24-Jul-20 13:33:11

I definitely think times have changed. I don’t know many people with children sharing rooms and those that do are often twins or very close in age. My step kids have their own rooms at our house and their mums. But they have been a 50/50 split in the past between the 2 homes. And currently spend 2 nights per week plus half school holidays with us. However mine and DP child has the largest bedroom as she obviously lives here 24/7.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Fri 24-Jul-20 13:33:39

Of course children should have a room in both houses, otherwise the message you are sending if you aren’t really part of this household, you’re a guest

Veganforlife Fri 24-Jul-20 13:35:36

And actually that’s how I always felt ,like a guest ../in the way .
But when did this become normal

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YerAWizardHarry Fri 24-Jul-20 13:35:48

We have a 50/50 split with DS's dad so I would very much expect him to have his own room there. When DP split with his ex and moved home he slept on the sofa so DSS could have his bed. The whole house was like a toy shop though so I don't think he minded not having his own room (also only stayed EOW)

Veganforlife Fri 24-Jul-20 13:39:36

So the rooms in both homes are because of a 50/50 split
But how does that work with schooling ,my dad moved an hour away...
He would not of wanted 50/50 anyway .

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Veganforlife Fri 24-Jul-20 13:41:00

So it sounds like expectations are much higher these days for divorced dads ,they are expected to pull their weight more than in the 80s

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BackforGood Fri 24-Jul-20 13:41:19

In the 70s, IME, most people shred bedrooms with their siblings. Life has moved on, and now a much higher % have their own bedrooms. Some even have their own bathrooms, whereas we all shared the family bathroom at that point.
Houses have changed (for a lot of people) and lifestyles have changed. But back then, 'ordinary people' were unlikely to have 'spare rooms' in the way so many do now.

It's like I regularly read on here about people either 'booking a B&B or hotel' when they go to stay with family, or expecting visitors to book a hotel when they come to visit them. I can't get my head around that at all, as, growing up, most holidays there would be 11 or 12 of us all living in one house for a few days at a time.
Financially 'we' (as society) are much wealthier than 'we' were in the 70s. Plus, in relative terms, accommodation is cheaper.
I know there is a much greater divide now than there was then, and there are far too many people in this country reliant on foodbanks or who are homeless, but that is a debate for another thread. Statistically, most people are better off than we were in the 70s so much more likely to be able to have spare rooms.

Veganforlife Fri 24-Jul-20 13:43:08

I.d not thought of it from that point of view

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BilbyBlue Fri 24-Jul-20 13:43:50

We have my stepkids EOW weekend and we have always had a bedroom each for them so they feel like it's their home.

Smallsteps88 Fri 24-Jul-20 13:44:08

I can’t see how my dad could of given me a room to myself ,there simply wasn’t one.

No but a bed of your own is a bare minimum requirement. You didn’t need a room to yourself but he could have provided you with your own bed in one of the bedrooms.

Veganforlife Fri 24-Jul-20 13:45:00

He could yes .but chose not to

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Veganforlife Fri 24-Jul-20 13:45:43

I’m glad things have changed for the better for today’s children

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CorianderLord Fri 24-Jul-20 13:47:14

I never had a bedroom at my dads, just used the spare room. Parents divorced in 2009. We didn't spend weekends there or 50/50 though I just went round when I felt like it

Viviennemary Fri 24-Jul-20 13:47:25

I think times have changed. I had my own room as I was an only child. Most other children I knew shared. And I didn't know anybody with divorced parent who moved between houses.

Smallsteps88 Fri 24-Jul-20 13:48:11


He could yes .but chose not to

Which is really sad for you. And I think specific to him and his attitude towards his children rather than indicative of the time.

OneRingToRuleThemAll Fri 24-Jul-20 13:49:16

My children don't have their own room at their dads. We are close to London where extra space is expensive. We moved walls around to give a room each in the main home, but it's still a flat. Their dad has a 2 bed flat with 2 full time children there. Normal is what you make of it.

KinkyFink Fri 24-Jul-20 13:53:09

I never stayed with my dad ever, he never bothered making a room for me even though he had a spare one. I was never sure why because now he likes to pull the 'I'm so proud of my amazing daughter' card and it kind of irks me tbh. DS has a room with me and at his dad's.

Veganforlife Fri 24-Jul-20 13:53:31

Interesting ,small steps ,
I’m starting counselling next week ,so I’m thinking things through at the moment
I’ve not seen my dad for 30 years ,his choice

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Veganforlife Fri 24-Jul-20 13:54:26

Sorry to hear that kinkyfink

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Mummyoflittledragon Fri 24-Jul-20 13:57:44

Your father was perhaps of the opinion sorting stuff like this was “women’s work”. You were let down by both your father and stepmother. Both had responsibility to make you feel at home and as a minimum provide a bed and some of the things her children had. It’s really sad that the bench wasn’t set higher than being grateful he stayed in touch.

I take it he moved into her house, is that right? Was there a spare bedroom for guests?

Veganforlife Fri 24-Jul-20 13:59:17

Yes he moved in to her house
I would visit at weekends,and the step daughters dad would collect us both for a day out swimming...

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2Kidsinatrenchcoat Fri 24-Jul-20 14:01:06

My son doesn’t have his own room at his dad’s house because ex moved back into his childhood bedroom at his dads house when we split up 8 years ago and has never bothered getting his own place. Originally DS was expected to sleep on the sofa or the floor but now he shares bunk beds with ex. He doesn’t have any toys there either apart from ex’s old Lego. And then he gets angry at me when DS doesn’t refer to his house as ‘home’ hmm

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