Really struggling to forgive my mum for this

[QuestionableMouse]

Last wed, my uni held an online celebration for graduation. I had a nice day in mind ordered some food and invited my close family.

My mum ruined it all so badly I ended up having a anxiety attack, worrying I had corona virus and spending two days in bed.

Basically she turned up in an absolutely foul mood, made some really horrible comments because I'd ordered sandwiches and such rather than making my own and just generally being awful. It was so bad I threw them out and rang my sister to cancel. She honestly made me feel worthless, all over a few trays of party food.

I really can't forgive her. I'd been looking forward to a proper graduation and been robbed of that then due to her actions didn't even got to celebrate at all.

She had another go at me this morning (because I ordered shopping online for my own home!) so I hung up on her and the way I feel currently, I never want to speak to her again. I'm sick to death of her horrible attitude and the constant fucking moaning she does. Yes she unwell but she let's that rule her and uses it as an excuse for her bad behaviour.

She thinks I'm being childish but I'm just so fucking fed up with her. She's worn me down to the point of having constant anxiety - I'm actually considering medication for it because it's having such an impact on me.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. You don't need to reply - I needed a vent more than anything!

[Babs709]

Happy to be vented to!

Firstly congrats on graduating 🥳

Have you had a rocky relationship with your mum for some time? I’d be pretty pissed off with my mum for ruining the party too! Especially as it is so important to cling to the little moments of happiness was right now. Was your sister still up for celebrating? Can you have a glass of bubbly with our family or friends this weekend? I think you need to celebrate, sod your mum!

[madbirdlady22]

Congratulations on your graduation op!

I am sorry to say that if she was so willing to ruin this for you, knowing you have worked so hard to achieve this, and have already lost out so much in the way of celebrating then I would make this occasion the last time you invite her to anything. You would have been far better off celebrating with friends and family that are happy for you.

Not all is lost however, I would reschedule it with friends and do it again and this time make sure she is not invited. Going forward relying less on her would be the best way forward. Your mother for whatever reason is not bringing much to the party at the moment.

[Babs709]

Other family* I meant!!
(I don’t think me and you are likely to have common family!)

[Persephonecall]

Congratulations on completing your degree. You should feel rightly proud. Please don’t stress about forgiving your mum. It happened, it is past, and you need to accept that she was vile, but move on as best you can. You can’t change what she did, and it sounds like she won’t apologise. You can’t change her, but you can work towards changing how it makes you feel. Don’t give it any more head space and look forward to one day next year when you might have the opportunity to have a real graduation.

[Meduse]

Oh you poor thing-I know exactly how you feel as my mother ruined my graduation meal 30 years ago....you have a degree though and clearly have worked very hard.Try to hold onto that and be proud of yourself and don’t feel guilty about being Ross with her-ever!

[Choice4567]

Sorry that the day was ruined. Why was she complaining? What’s wrong with having shopping delivered?

[Purplecatshopaholic]

Congrats on your Graduation. Sorry about your mum, she sounds a self-centred nightmare!

[Areallthenamestaken]

Congratulations on your graduation!

Your mum sounds a lot like mine used to be. She always had to find a way to ruin special things, whether it was graduation or a holiday or starting a new job. In the end I told her that if she didn't stop and get help she'd never see me again. It was the shock she needed and she went to the doctor for antidepressants (she's been very depressed my whole life) and had counselling. We get on well now. Don't be afraid to put yourself first and stand up to her. You deserve nice things!

[Areallthenamestaken]

Congratulations on your graduation!

Your mum sounds a lot like mine used to be. She always had to find a way to ruin special things, whether it was graduation or a holiday or starting a new job. In the end I told her that if she didn't stop and get help she'd never see me again. It was the shock she needed and she went to the doctor for antidepressants (she's been very depressed my whole life) and had counselling. We get on well now. Don't be afraid to put yourself first and stand up to her. You deserve nice things!

[QuestionableMouse]

Oh you're all so kind. Thank you. Planning a fun day out with my sister to actually celebrate.

I genuinely don't know what her problem with online shopping is and I can't find out because every time I mention it, she gets nasty. I have a feeling she thinks I'm being lazy by not going shopping? Or wasting money?

[MrsMozartMkII]

She sounds like someone to step away from.

Congratulations on your graduation!

[JoysOfString]

Is she jealous or bitter about your success and doing a degree? Obviously there is nothing wrong with ordering food so it sounds as if she's looking for something to pick on you about.

You don't have to see her - or you can choose to see her less. If she can't behave then you don't have to keep putting up with it.

Congratulations on your graduation!

[tara66]

Poor you - this is something you will remember all of your life. Mother just seems to want to vent and make your day unhappy. Don't allow it. Will she do that on your wedding day and spoil that too? We don't really need ''mothers'' once we are adult but it can take many years to realize it.

[GetOffTheTableMabel]

Well done. For graduating and for getting cross about this unacceptable, rude, childish behaviour from your mother.
Who cares what her opinion of online shopping is? Rather than tell you she just strops about being unpleasant, so why engage? Either don’t tell her about your shopping or tell her that you are an adult with a different opinion from her and it’s time she stopped being rude.
She needs to respect you as an adult and it sounds as though you’re going to need to enforce some bounds until she can.

[QuestionableMouse]

I honestly don't know. I think it's more that she feels unwell a lot of the time and just lashes out. But she does nothing to help herself either so it's a cycle.

[QuestionableMouse]

It came up this morning because she asked what i was doing and I (stupidly) replied that once my shopping had arrived I was going to spend some time in the garden.

[Itsjustabitofbanter]

What miserable old bat. I’d be going no contact if I were you. You only get one life, and she’s doing a good job of ruining yours

[JoysOfString]

I don't agree that we don't need mothers - I'm over 50 and still feel the lack of a loving mum, as mine is quite narcissistic, critical, difficult and hurtful. However we don't need horrible mothers and we don't need to keep trying to please them or include them if it's harmful to our own mental health. I didn't really come to terms with that until my 40s, but OP might get there sooner!

[Yankathebear]

Tell her you’ve ordered a new mum online and she will be here in 3-5 days.

[Aquamarine1029]

I would be going no contact. All she does is make you miserable.

[frumpety]

When you say she is unwell , does she have a chronic condition ? Does she think that online shopping slots should be reserved for those with a medical condition perhaps ?

[Nutrigrainygoodness]

Congratulations on graduating OP 🍾

Would you let a friend treat you the way your mum is treating you or would you cut them off?

You don't deserve to be treated this way.

Maybe have a Frank conversation, if she refuses to change, then walk away and don't feel guilty. It doesn't have to be forever, but she might realise what she's missing.

Can you tell ive dont this recently 😳

[Regretsy]

@Areallthenamestaken this is great advice

[MrsJBaptiste]

I'm not normally this observant (and may be totally wrong) but did your get a First in your degree @QuestionableMouse?

[Comtesse]

Outrageous behaviour. She doesn’t deserve to have your company. This is how your enemy might treat you, not your mother. She has behaved appallingly, has she ever done this before at big occasions eg birthdays or somewhere where you are (deservedly) the centre of attention? This is her insecurity and jealousy showing but why should she get to ruin a massive achievement? As I said, outrageous behaviour and probably no way back from this. Congrats on your hard work and graduation!